therapy questions

Alisha, thank you!!! I appreciate your understanding. I "do" have so much going on IRL, and I "have" been overwhelmed. There were times when I felt like starting a thread but I have so much that I really didn't know where to start and didn't even have the energy. For some reason your thread opened a door, and it just came flooding out.

I have so much that has happened to me that the problem with me just talking about one thing tends to bring responses that don't help me because of how I have so much history that connects to each challenge. I have been with the therapist I have now for going on three years, I have told him about a lot of things, even overwhelmed him at times, and he still doesn't know "everything". He keeps telling me that he can't believe what I managed to accomplish considering how much I had been through. He has told me many times that when I come to see him I fill his room and he has been amazed how it never seems to stop either.

Yes, I really have been in desperate need to be able to distance and get a break. Unfortunately, I didn't have anyone that really could do what I needed so that I could have that happen, and I certainly could not afford to pay someone either.

I distanced as much as I could distance when it comes to my older sister. Yes, my sister is very controlling and condescending. And she doesn't realize that her need for control pushes people away and even hurts them. If I happen to be interacting in a thread with someone that reminds me of her, I definitely get triggered. It doesn't always bode well for me either, unfortunately I really have some deep subconscious wounds that can shoot out of me and often all I can do is examine it "after" is happens and try to connect the dots. What has helped me here at PC is when another member sees I am being attacked and treated badly and PM's me with support. There were lots of times I did not have that IRL situations. Like in the psych ward, the way she treated me should have never been allowed to take place, a trauma patient should never be punished for only reacting because they really were in a crisis and just could no longer function. It is very hard for me to see my records and see that I did reach out for help and did express all the clear red flags that should have been clearly recognized as a patient in severe crisis. I was actually in "shock" because I literally could not stop shaking for several days. The heat was not working in my room, the blanket they gave me did not provide me with warmth, even the other patients knew I was in the room where the heat was not working. Let me say that shivering in shock in a cold room is horrible. Being severely sleep deprived and in shock should not be handled by someone entering the room every 15 minutes where the patient is constantly startled all night long and hence only becomes even more sleep deprived. When a patient is watched all night long that way and yet not watched enough so some weirdo thinking he is Jesus follows the patient around is no help either.

Come November it will be seven years since I begged for rest and grief counseling. I have not had one day off or gotten "away" all this time, almost 7 years. At least, I have finally gotten a T that is helping me finally "grieve" without making me feel I am somehow wrong to need that.

At least your telling me I deserve a big "time out" validates that "yes" it is ok to need that.

((Thank you)))
OE

Alisha, I am not sure if this designed online therapy is going to fit all your needs. When you reveal that you need to be away from your mother and sister, that you struggled with something that went on for a year, and also feeling like you need to say more then what the program is requiring you to do, I wonder if you are going to get what you really need.

Sometimes it is a lot more complex then we realize, it isn't "just" the traumatic event, but how so many other things fall into place that create road blocks in our ability to process the trauma.

I don't know what the philosophy is behind this online treatment/therapy and I don't want to say that it will not help you on "some" level. I would suggest that "when" you have a need to say more, perhaps you should have a separate journal where you can write the others things down that you want to express so you have a record of these challenges.

If, for some reason you don't get what you need, you will have written records you can present to a "live" therapist in case you find you do need that too down the road.

As you can see by what I ended up dumping in your thread, while we both have PTSD and experience the symptoms, we have our own unique histories. I dumped a lot, a lot of bad things that happened to me, I have a lot more "bad" then what I have shared here, so I do have some very complex issues in my history. A PTSD workbook or a simple online therapy program that is like the workbook, would not help me. It might help me with the symptoms some, maybe how to cope better, but it would not address my complex issues. Now that I have had a good therapist, I do know that I needed to have a good therapist, and should have had that in the very beginning.

A workbook or an online therapy course would never be able to tell me that a big reason my husband is such a big challenge to me is because he has compulsive ADHD along with his dyslexia. Some of his bad behaviors like talking over me, interrupting me, controlling me, picking on me are because of his disorder. My husband's not being able to listen to me when I need it, him being angry because of his low self esteem due to his challenges that comes at me with "anger and being mean" is abusive, not my fault, and something he often cannot help.

When I talk about how poorly he treated me, I am sure it sounds like he is a terrible person. He is not really a terrible person, but he has very real challenges that have hurt me badly. I have reached out for help so many times during my 34 years of being married to him, it would have been extremely helpful had I had someone see this about him and tell me about it "years" ago. If my husband had been diagnosed and helped "years" ago, it would have helped him more too. He is actually a very kind hearted person, but he has problems that genuinely challenge him that he just never really understood and tried to resolve by turning to drugs and alcohol. Many alcoholics are people who suffer from compulsive ADHD or PTSD. I only learned that a few months ago. However, the overall knowledge about that was not really there years ago when I needed it either. I can tell you that when he picked me up from that psych ward, he was in overdrive because with his challenges and me being challenged, it only made him angry and mean and even more intrusive, which only severely crippled me.

It was so bad all the way around, that during the ride home from the psych ward, I realized that I somehow had to find a way to "bury" my severe challenge and somehow find a way to take over again.

Alisha, all I can say is I have been on one hellish ride for the past seven years. Keep in mind that I also was trapped with a Lawyer who was mentally declining, getting worse and worse and I could not find "anyone" to help me with that either. I also had to try to keep running my business so I could have money to pay on the debt my neighbor put me in. And, I had the challenge with my sister and my aging parents and I had challenges with my daughter. And the PTSD kept getting worse, I would not have lasted had I not finally found the T I have now.

Ok, I am dumping too much again and getting away from my point, sorry. My point being that if this online therapy doesn't completely help you, take what you can from it, and if you need more, if it isn't enough, it only means you need more help and do not get discouraged. I have certainly been through a lot, and have learned a lot, and I try to share whatever I have learned that might help others. That is usually all I focus on too. Unfortunately, I dumped in your thread, I guess I just needed it more than I realized.

OE; I´m just glad if I could help a little bit.

" I have not had one day off or gotten "away" all this time, almost 7 years."

O my.... no wonder you´re anxious. Really. Even a person not struggling with trauma might become anxious if he went without a vacation or downtime for 7(!!!) years.

Yes, if there´s a person who really needs rest and deserves a time out, it´s you.

But really, I think the only thing you really need to "validate" a need for time out, is to FEEL like you really need a time out.
Really, that´s all. I think you feel exhausted, feel like you need a vacation, it´s okay to need want and take it.

During my worst time of anxiety, when it was really crippling, I saw a light when I thought about going away and leaving it all behind for a little while.

My boyfriend and I headed of to Rome (i live in europe, so not so far) for only 7 days. But it made a huge difference.

At first I wasn´t able to relax at all and I felt even worse. But then, when I was exposed to other things, places, people, my head cleared a little bit.

I think time outs are important for everyone, not just people struggling with anxiety/PTSD etc, but especially for them.

I never meant to say that your husband is a "bad person". I don´t really believe that there´s such a thing as a "bad person" at the core.

All people that act abusive/neglective/agressive have their issues and it isn´t in their nature to be that way, they´re struggling too.

However, them struggling with their own issues, still does not make it okay to treat others disrespectfully or even harm them and just let them do so.
It´s never okay to treat another human being that way.

So if you´re husband is still acting abusive towards you, I´d really try to find a way to protect myself from it.
You have been through enough. You don´t need "more" stuff to need to work through and grieve and process.

I really hope you will find a way to get some rest and peace and quiet you seem to really need and naturally deserve

Thanks Alisha, my husband has been doing better, tries to be more supportive, but he still has his compulsive ADHD where he can talk over me, interrupt me, cut me off and get impatient and intrusive. But he also tries very hard too, what helped me a lot is when my therapist noticed it and validated how challenged I am with it. I have noticed that my husband really thinks now and tries harder not to pick on me or expel his frustrations out at me if he happens to have a bad time at work. Hey, I also know it is no picnic living with someone struggling with PTSD either. He still wants me to "just" and I find I keep having to explain to him that at times I get triggered, symptoms just come over me and I don't "make" it happen. As I am sure you know, there are times when it is a lot of work to contain the symptoms.

It must be nice living in Europe and be able to go to these very historical places.

((Hugs))
OE