Paralyzed creatively

Since dealing with child abuse memories, emotional deregulation, abandonment issues, etc. due to C-PTSD, people have been telling me to distract myself positively with activities and hobbies I enjoy. But I can't.

I'm an artist by profession (graphic design) and I have multiple creative hobbies. I'm also learning to play piano and I love to write. But I can't do any of these things. I know creativity is very healing but I'm creatively paralyzed. I'm almost crying right now thinking about it.

Why can't I do these things that I love and give my life some meaning? I hate wandering around the house all day just "thinking" about doing these things and wasting my day on the computer. I've tried forcing myself, but end up walking away from whatever I'm doing.

Has anyone had this problem? Any advise?

When I'm really depressed I do the same thing. I have a lot of talents but they are useless when I'm depressed. I love to draw, quilt, crochet and many other things, so I understand what you are going through. I have recently gotten to where I can read again, but still feel guilty because I'm not doing anything productive.

I hope things get better for you soon. Best Wishes.

I understand. I had a lot of things that I loved to do "before" I had my crisis/breakdown/whatevertheheckyouwanttocallitexperience. Cooking, gardening, home improvement projects, watched a few but not too many tv shows. I don't care about ANY of those things now, to speak of. I go through the motions enough to keep myself fed, to keep the lawn/yard from looking so bad the neighbors call code enforcement on me, and I haven't watch as tv show per se in real time in almost 2 years, I now pick one program at a time to watch on Netflix or Hulu, and that is only in the middle of the night, so I miss a lot of it by dozing off.

But, I have a lot of new interests now. Maybe you need that - something new and different? Something that would inspire the kind of passion in you that you felt for some of the old interests?

Also, might it help to take something outside of the house, with a set time and schedule - perhaps a class or workshop. Maybe with a friend so there is someone there to share the experience and reinforce the need to follow through on the commitment and attend?

Hope that helps, and I hope you feel better.

Hey skyWhite

Totally understand what you're feeling as I am and Illustrator and abstract oil painter.
Sometimes I go for months without putting anything down on paper or canvas, frustrating and painful. I find that watching movies about famous artists...Modigliani, Jackson Pollock often gives me the kick up the backside that I need, or visiting galleries with a notebook so I can write 'Notes to Self' can have some effect on my motivation. If you don't have any commissions at the present time, ask a friend to give you a project or write a list of subjects. Look for bad designs in advertising...and have a go at doing them better, I find this can often give me a shot in the arm.

Hope this helps SkyWhite. Q.L

It helps a lot. It goes on for months for me too and I'm ashamed to tell anyone. If people ask if I'm painting I say, "Oh yah, I'm just doing some sketches." A bold face lie. I love the Jackson Pollock movie. I got totally drunk once while watching it. One drunk artist watching the master of drunk artists.

I've been thinking of painting gifts like for my husband and/or my T. Paint something heartfelt instead of for the money. But I'm just doing the sketches right now.

SkyWhite
I totally understand where you're coming from. My business is in the toilet & I haven't stepped a foot in my studio for 10 months. Parts of me are screaming at me at how lazy I am or how much money I'm wasting but I know if I push myself I'll also get burned.
Give yourself some forgiveness & space. Trauma work drains every aspect of your life. Give yourself some time to recover & let it come back naturally. It's there waiting for you

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Skywhite, the things you love are not a distraction and your memories of childhood abuse deserve more than distraction.

I'm typing with my thumbs so this may seem blunt and curt. I'm not being rude intentionally or orderi.g you, m'kay?

First, don't stare at your memories, lest you turn to stone. Be like perseus, battoling medias by watching her in the reflection of his shield. Peter Levine uses that analogy. Your body is your shield.

Then, my advice to an artist is to research rituals of mourning. Think.about m. Commit to allowing yourself to mourn. What is an alter to the dead as Mexicans make but remembrance combined with art? It is very evocative to collect a dead loved ones favorite toiletries and foods with photos, so be careful, but consider an alter to "the summer I was nine" or sit Shiva or have a mass said or whatever appeals to you. Just keep feeling your body. If you begin to dissociate or feel despair, slow way down.

Yoga is great. It is.a distraction from staring into the abyss but not a dissociation from.reality. i am pretty sure that if you begin a yoga practice visual art will come back to you. Remember, trauma is a mind body split and yoga is a mind body yoke. If today visual art feels like mind running away from body, yoga can link you up again.

I hope that helps.

That is very helpful Teacake. I love the analogy of looking back and turning to stone. I guess that's what's happening to me right now.

I took yoga classes when I was younger, but now I have lower back pain from osteoarthritis and fibromyalgia. I have trouble getting on and off the floor. I'm using my treadmill for cardio and walk my dog when the weather is good. I tried quiet meditating but I don't like it. I use Tibetan bowl music now to meditate with. I feels like I'm having a brain massage.

Commemorative art to mourn the loss of my childhood sounds like a good idea.

It's so comforting to know I'm not the only artist going through this. We all put on such a good façade, don't we? And the money wasted part hit home.
Hundreds of $$$ in art supplies and tools gathering dust.

I guess the message from everyone on this thread is be kind and patient with myself.

Glad its helpful, Sky White. The Perseus/Medusa analogy is Peter Levine's. His work saves me from turning to stone again. In hard times i think of It daily.

David Berceli's exercises, simple standing stretches followed by allowing the body to tremble in reclined cobbler, un-stoned me and taught me what is possible after chronic ptsd. Berceli's Trauma Releasing Exercises are totally free and self administered. You can learn from a library book or buy the book (on kindle too) or find a cerrified teacher on traumaprevention.org. LOWER BACK PAIN and fibromyalgia may be relieved by doing this trembling work few minutes a week.. When we are startled or frightened, our bodies curl up to protect our tender underbelly. Brain stem contracts psoas muscles that hook up legs, pelvis and back. If that isnt allowed to relax and discharge, tension in the psoas causes tension in surrounding muscles of the lower back.

I hear you about tibetan sounds meditation.

SkyWhite,

I have been challenged this way myself. What you need to realize is "creativity" is connected to our "emotionality" and when that is disturbed as you are sorting through that now, it interrupts with "feeling creative" because "feeling" is an emotional and is often expressed in our art, be it writing or painting or pottery work or whatever the creativeness is.

You can get that back when you settle all that emotional turmoil in your mind that is interrupting your balance in what we call PTSD.

OE

About sound and mantra....at a rough slit I would play Tibetan sounds with the mantra Om Mané padme Om as i did dishes and housework. I dont like mantra meditation. But I liked the track, and It relaxed me When I landed I. Hospital, and I got provoked (also I was the the coffee was decaf and It wasn't, lol!) The mantra, said silently, had the same impact as listening to the track.

I a big fan of singing in the car too. When John Lennon was in his Primal therapy phase he made some recordings that are simple blues patterns and basically exercises in vocal variety. I'm thinking of well, well,well or why do.t we do It in the road. Not musical masterpieces. But sing them in the car or shower and let your voice go, to whatwver you are feeling. Its expressive and It does something to the central nervous system as well. Again, you have to be aware of prevent reality no abreacting, stay present and Drive. I've been intrigued by how much easier It is to connect emotionally to people irl when I have been singing. I suppose its just bringing emotion to the voice, instead of buried deep inside. I've been surprised by the emotion in my voice sometimes. I wonder if It would work as well for a trained singer.

I love singing too. It can be healing. When I was young, I'd hide in my favorite tree and sing and pretend I was a bird...lol. I also love singing in the car and whistling too sometimes. It calms me down. I also sing while walking on my treadmill. It makes the time go faster. When I sang in the church choir many, many years ago, I noticed that sometimes I'd begin crying while I was singing. Can I get the JL exercises on the internet?

They aren't exercises. Just songs. Do it in the road is from the Beatles white álbum and well well well is plastic ono band or something. They are on youtube. They are simple songs with nearly nonsense words. The only interesting thing is the vocal quality. Its a DIY exercise I guess.

Isn't it great that we can sing? Its a wonderful release of emotion. Singing with others is a great feeling. "limbic resonance" seems to be the latest buzzword these days. It means we really so feel each other. Thats a geeksplanation for why it feels wonderful to sing together. It bonded the civil rights movement. Iranian dissidents also sang in the mountains.

I couldn't carry a tune in a bag but I love to dance. I only sing when i'm alone in the car with the radio so loud, it drowns my voice. I think TeaCake is right about the release of emotions but I feel it more with dancing.

I get what you're saying now. The White Album is one of my favorite albums.

It's great to read this post - so many of us can relate! We are not alone . Skywhite, I had never heard of Tibetan bowl music. I like it. Hopefully, the emotion would release us all to do 'the creatives' we wish to do!

Its a great álbum. I listened to it every night as a kid. And now, Helter Skelter is the official perimenopause theme song. Where does the time go?

I listened to it all the time too. Then I found out Charlie Manson did the same thing. That's a little scary. But it's a good album, a classic, and I guess that lunatic Manson even knew it.

I had no idea Helter Skelter is the perimenopause theme song. Good choice.