[borderline00]

I'm new to this forum, but I thought I would give this a shot.

I have had a lot of trauma in my life. From the time I was 5 years old, to currently (27). The majority of the trauma is related to sexual assault. I am starting to become extremely hopeless that I will ever recover.

I went to court for one event, and I thought that I would feel such an amazing sense of relief and closure, but I haven't gotten to that point yet. I have been working with a therapist, but I don't even know where to start with him. I'm not sure what trauma to work through first.

I hate my life right now. I have extreme anxiety every single day, I get minimal sleep due to flash backs and nightmares...when is this going to end? I am trying so hard to get better...and its just not happening

[Open Eyes]

(((borderline))),

Welcome to PC, and the PTSD forums. I am sorry to hear that you are struggling so much right now, I along with many others here can identify with that as well as not knowing where to start with your healing work with a therapist either.

You say you are having a lot of flashbacks and nightmares and daily anxiety right now, that is "common" when someone develops PTSD with a challenged history like you are describing. You need to get a journal and as you have these experiences of flashbacks and nightmares, learn to write them down as best as you can.

You need to understand that when you have these flashbacks and nightmares that whatever is coming forward is not happening because you are a failure or are now going to become crippled permanently etc. You have to slowly learn that as these things take place, you just have to be "very patient" and learn that what it really means is that whatever "is" there really is not happening now, but you do need to take some time now and finally work through them, as you do that you will "slowly" make gains and "slowly" realize how these different "traumas" from your past are things you did survive but didn't have time to process and heal from and now you need to sort through them and finally settle that all down better, and you "can" do that and get to a point where you begin to recognize these "gains" too.

It is very important to develop a "support system" while you now work through this too. Coming here is a good start, having a therapist that understands PTSD and is supportive in helping you work through it is important too. It is important that you are exposed to others who "do" understand it and are willing to be patient and supportive instead of handing you comments that only end up triggering you and are "not" helpful to you or the challenge of PTSD either.

You can also spend some time here and there reading other threads here, as you do that you will see how others have questions you have now, or questions you will have further down the road in your healing so you see that you are not alone, and others here have been slowly working through it just like you are now going to work through it yourself.

The "key" is for you to take this "slowly" and be patient with yourself and "yes" your question of where to start "first" is a very common question. My advice is to just see "what" comes forward in your flashbacks and nightmares and begin doing your best to put whatever you can into words. It can take some time to do that because our brain stores things we experience in different areas of our brain, some of these areas do not have language in them, so it takes time to fit whatever comes forward in these areas "slowly" into different events to where you can put it all together into "language" as you go along. I cannot stress enough to be PATIENT as you work through all this either, it really does take time to understand it and learn "how" to help yourself as you slowly begin to understand it more and get to a point where you begin to gain on it too.

I explained it in another thread as having a sensitive smoke alarm in your brain now, and what that means is that often it doesn't have to be a "real" fire to set off the alarm, it could be just a simple candle burning that really is not a true "dangerous in the now" at all. As you take the time to be "patient" with this you "will" slowly learn that when this alarm goes off, you don't have to immediately respond as if there "is" a real danger, but instead, you can slowly realize it is not as serious and you can slowly learn how to "quiet" down that alarm better and better instead of thinking you need to "react and even get upset" when it goes off.

At first, with this "smoke alarm" that goes off and you feel like it means "danger", often the "reaction" comes first before you get a chance to think about it. When that takes place it can be strange and very hard to explain or even understand yourself. Don't let that get you all upset,
that does happen, but it will "slowly" decrease as you begin to think about
it afterwards and connect the dots in your mind to where "yes, that was something a bad person, or abusive person said to me or made me feel bad somehow and it made me angry or scared or frustrated or it hurt me somehow. I remember when I began to experience that, it frightened and confused me. If that happens, don't let it scare you, that will slowly ease up as you connect the dots consciously "after" you react. I had to learn that it can happen sometimes and that I often was not able to stop it, much like we can't actually stop flashbacks but instead have to wait them out until they recede and learn to understand that "after" that happens our conscious mind can think about it and work through it more and more. The truth is "everyone" stores things like this in their subconscious mind, they are just not "aware" of it, and that is often why people who have family members that struggle with PTSD can develop secondary PTSD if they are exposed to the person struggling constantly.

There are times where it can get overwhelming, always remember everything you do experience be it anger, fear, crying, feeling like a failure, feeling depressed, feeling anxious, feeling hopeless, wanting to end, wanting to run, feeling like a child, feeling vulnerable, are all part of "what comes forward" however, none of them "last" but instead only come forward in waves that come forward, crest and then always recede and fade. As you start to realize this, which you really need to know, you will realize that as each of these challenges come forward, your conscious mind can then slowly sort through them and you "will" begin to gain and learn to self sooth and finally just work through whatever it is that comes forward and as you do this, you will slowly begin to gain more and more "relief". You are NOT ALONE with this challenge either, there are many people who are challenged by it and are also slowly working through it too. Yes, others have experienced the same challenges and can be supportive and understanding the way you "crave" that to take place too. You just have to learn how to find that kind of support so you don't feel so lonely with it, because you really are "not alone".

Don't allow yourself to get all frustrated about where to start, just work on whatever comes forward and be "very patient with yourself" and make a solid commitment to allow yourself to be "self caring and take as much time as you need to help yourself heal" and forget about what others who don't know anything about PTSD think or say to you. However, if someone does trigger you, remember that will also be a wave and that after that wave comes in and recedes you will have a chance to have your "conscious mind" work through whatever it is, and make sure you write down as much as you can put in to words about it in your journal, not every story is going to completely come out so you can get everything into words, that is ok, that will come. What I found is that often I would repeat the entire thing over, adding this new little piece, people who do not have PTSD don't understand the importance of that, but it is important so just ignore the people who don't get that. You are always welcome to come here to vent or question or get support and "validation" whenever you need it too, validation is the magic element to healing when it comes to PTSD. Most people who struggle with PTSD did not get that needed validation when something traumatic did happen to them, so you are not alone with that one either, it's very common.

Hope that what I have said is "helpful", remember PATIENCE WITH SELF and do your best not to feed into the emotional challenges that come forward, no matter what they are and however strong they are, they WILL always come in and then fade and you will learn that you can "gain" on them little by little.

(((Caring Supportive Hugs))))
OE

[Fuzzybear]

[borderline00]

Thanks so much!!

Originally Posted by Open Eyes

(((borderline))),

Welcome to PC, and the PTSD forums. I am sorry to hear that you are struggling so much right now, I along with many others here can identify with that as well as not knowing where to start with your healing work with a therapist either.

You say you are having a lot of flashbacks and nightmares and daily anxiety right now, that is "common" when someone develops PTSD with a challenged history like you are describing. You need to get a journal and as you have these experiences of flashbacks and nightmares, learn to write them down as best as you can.

You need to understand that when you have these flashbacks and nightmares that whatever is coming forward is not happening because you are a failure or are now going to become crippled permanently etc. You have to slowly learn that as these things take place, you just have to be "very patient" and learn that what it really means is that whatever "is" there really is not happening now, but you do need to take some time now and finally work through them, as you do that you will "slowly" make gains and "slowly" realize how these different "traumas" from your past are things you did survive but didn't have time to process and heal from and now you need to sort through them and finally settle that all down better, and you "can" do that and get to a point where you begin to recognize these "gains" too.

It is very important to develop a "support system" while you now work through this too. Coming here is a good start, having a therapist that understands PTSD and is supportive in helping you work through it is important too. It is important that you are exposed to others who "do" understand it and are willing to be patient and supportive instead of handing you comments that only end up triggering you and are "not" helpful to you or the challenge of PTSD either.

You can also spend some time here and there reading other threads here, as you do that you will see how others have questions you have now, or questions you will have further down the road in your healing so you see that you are not alone, and others here have been slowly working through it just like you are now going to work through it yourself.

The "key" is for you to take this "slowly" and be patient with yourself and "yes" your question of where to start "first" is a very common question. My advice is to just see "what" comes forward in your flashbacks and nightmares and begin doing your best to put whatever you can into words. It can take some time to do that because our brain stores things we experience in different areas of our brain, some of these areas do not have language in them, so it takes time to fit whatever comes forward in these areas "slowly" into different events to where you can put it all together into "language" as you go along. I cannot stress enough to be PATIENT as you work through all this either, it really does take time to understand it and learn "how" to help yourself as you slowly begin to understand it more and get to a point where you begin to gain on it too.

I explained it in another thread as having a sensitive smoke alarm in your brain now, and what that means is that often it doesn't have to be a "real" fire to set off the alarm, it could be just a simple candle burning that really is not a true "dangerous in the now" at all. As you take the time to be "patient" with this you "will" slowly learn that when this alarm goes off, you don't have to immediately respond as if there "is" a real danger, but instead, you can slowly realize it is not as serious and you can slowly learn how to "quiet" down that alarm better and better instead of thinking you need to "react and even get upset" when it goes off.

At first, with this "smoke alarm" that goes off and you feel like it means "danger", often the "reaction" comes first before you get a chance to think about it. When that takes place it can be strange and very hard to explain or even understand yourself. Don't let that get you all upset,
that does happen, but it will "slowly" decrease as you begin to think about
it afterwards and connect the dots in your mind to where "yes, that was something a bad person, or abusive person said to me or made me feel bad somehow and it made me angry or scared or frustrated or it hurt me somehow. I remember when I began to experience that, it frightened and confused me. If that happens, don't let it scare you, that will slowly ease up as you connect the dots consciously "after" you react. I had to learn that it can happen sometimes and that I often was not able to stop it, much like we can't actually stop flashbacks but instead have to wait them out until they recede and learn to understand that "after" that happens our conscious mind can think about it and work through it more and more. The truth is "everyone" stores things like this in their subconscious mind, they are just not "aware" of it, and that is often why people who have family members that struggle with PTSD can develop secondary PTSD if they are exposed to the person struggling constantly.

There are times where it can get overwhelming, always remember everything you do experience be it anger, fear, crying, feeling like a failure, feeling depressed, feeling anxious, feeling hopeless, wanting to end, wanting to run, feeling like a child, feeling vulnerable, are all part of "what comes forward" however, none of them "last" but instead only come forward in waves that come forward, crest and then always recede and fade. As you start to realize this, which you really need to know, you will realize that as each of these challenges come forward, your conscious mind can then slowly sort through them and you "will" begin to gain and learn to self sooth and finally just work through whatever it is that comes forward and as you do this, you will slowly begin to gain more and more "relief". You are NOT ALONE with this challenge either, there are many people who are challenged by it and are also slowly working through it too. Yes, others have experienced the same challenges and can be supportive and understanding the way you "crave" that to take place too. You just have to learn how to find that kind of support so you don't feel so lonely with it, because you really are "not alone".

Don't allow yourself to get all frustrated about where to start, just work on whatever comes forward and be "very patient with yourself" and make a solid commitment to allow yourself to be "self caring and take as much time as you need to help yourself heal" and forget about what others who don't know anything about PTSD think or say to you. However, if someone does trigger you, remember that will also be a wave and that after that wave comes in and recedes you will have a chance to have your "conscious mind" work through whatever it is, and make sure you write down as much as you can put in to words about it in your journal, not every story is going to completely come out so you can get everything into words, that is ok, that will come. What I found is that often I would repeat the entire thing over, adding this new little piece, people who do not have PTSD don't understand the importance of that, but it is important so just ignore the people who don't get that. You are always welcome to come here to vent or question or get support and "validation" whenever you need it too, validation is the magic element to healing when it comes to PTSD. Most people who struggle with PTSD did not get that needed validation when something traumatic did happen to them, so you are not alone with that one either, it's very common.

Hope that what I have said is "helpful", remember PATIENCE WITH SELF and do your best not to feed into the emotional challenges that come forward, no matter what they are and however strong they are, they WILL always come in and then fade and you will learn that you can "gain" on them little by little.

(((Caring Supportive Hugs))))
OE