[Numbed]

So, think read somewhere, doing such can be part of recover process.

Not sure how to do though, especially as this situation is kinda different.

Father: Never knew
Mother: The emotional abuser, which figure out She was projecting hatred of absentee on me.

Father had/has a lot of problems, one being i'm the eldest of 14 of his kids.
Another being he told me he was raped at 10 (which he told me at 17, after never seeing him, early?)

My Mother I believe had mental problems before meeting my Father. However I'm concerntrating on Father atm, as mother just got DX with depression and i'd only push her over the edge.

Would I still be correct in that Father was 50% responsible, as it was his affects directed at me, and as said, not once did come back/try to see. Even say age 10, would of gone through several years of abuse already and already cracked, but could of stopped me from full self destruct by having at least one person who would listen and could get out of the environment etc.

This thinking correct?

What would I need to say to be beneficial to C-PTSD?

I have write two draughts earlier, wait, yesterday, sorry not slept, and 2nd version I started saying "not accepting that i was to blame, that my fault, that bad person, it's you".

I think at least believe I felt I was dangerously near the edge of the "Victim" zone, and from what I grasp, I should not go there without a professional.

I dealt with my emotional abuse early 20s. Turns out find out of last year, it was only the intellectual aspect, because realise now just how numb and stuff down emotions are. So even though I've accepted C-PTSD, and read Victim surivor everywhere, because I was counter-dependent my whole life, these words weren't accepted by me, and thought would figure out replacement words. However what felt yesterday, was that of the border of Victim, and not just, happened, = tough sob.

Hope this makes sense, 2nd night no sleep.

Cheers.

[amandalouise]

Originally Posted by Numbed

So, think read somewhere, doing such can be part of recover process.

Not sure how to do though, especially as this situation is kinda different.

Father: Never knew
Mother: The emotional abuser, which figure out She was projecting hatred of absentee on me.

Father had/has a lot of problems, one being i'm the eldest of 14 of his kids.
Another being he told me he was raped at 10 (which he told me at 17, after never seeing him, early?)

My Mother I believe had mental problems before meeting my Father. However I'm concerntrating on Father atm, as mother just got DX with depression and i'd only push her over the edge.

Would I still be correct in that Father was 50% responsible, as it was his affects directed at me, and as said, not once did come back/try to see. Even say age 10, would of gone through several years of abuse already and already cracked, but could of stopped me from full self destruct by having at least one person who would listen and could get out of the environment etc.

This thinking correct?

What would I need to say to be beneficial to C-PTSD?

I have write two draughts earlier, wait, yesterday, sorry not slept, and 2nd version I started saying "not accepting that i was to blame, that my fault, that bad person, it's you".

I think at least believe I felt I was dangerously near the edge of the "Victim" zone, and from what I grasp, I should not go there without a professional.

I dealt with my emotional abuse early 20s. Turns out find out of last year, it was only the intellectual aspect, because realise now just how numb and stuff down emotions are. So even though I've accepted C-PTSD, and read Victim surivor everywhere, because I was counter-dependent my whole life, these words weren't accepted by me, and thought would figure out replacement words. However what felt yesterday, was that of the border of Victim, and not just, happened, = tough sob.

Hope this makes sense, 2nd night no sleep.

Cheers.

your questions of whether you are correct in placing blame on your father, would this be beneficial for C-ptsd, whether your thinking is correct, and how to write this letter......

writing therapeutic letters to the abuser, or others that we blame for wrong doing is a personal thing... by that I mean we cant tell you what to write how to write it or even whether you are correct in placing 50% of the blame on your absent father. writing therapeutic letters is also not about mental disorders.

a letter like this is wrote because a person has things they would like to tell their abuser, absent parent or others, that they feel they can not tell them face to face. whether its beneficial or not depends on what the writer expects to get out of that writing of that letter.

example....my writing a letter to my abuser was beneficial to me because I did not have any expectation of their accepting responsibility for what they had done to me. I had anger bottled up inside of me that needed to be released. writing that letter helped me to release that anger.

example writing a letter of blame to relatives for their parts in what happened to me was beneficial to me because my family was the type that dont get offended when another member has something they want to discuss with them even when it is about placing blame for some real or perceived wrong doing. they helped me to clarify where my childhood memories were about a real wrong and where my childhood memories were misplaced or about how I felt as a child rather than the memory being literal. memories are a funny thing where they can be more about emotion rather than a real literal event.

the first step to writing such a letter isnt oh wow online or in a book it says this can help so I guess thats what I need to do...

its about what you inside of you, deep down what do you need to do for yourself. do you have something you want others to know about you, about what happened to you. what do you hope to accomplish for yourself by writing this letter.

once you know what you need for your self , not for some book or online website that says this will be beneficial. then you can sit down and write what you want, what you remember and what you expect out of writing this therapeutic letter.

after you have written this letter for you, not for others, not for what you read in a book or online, but for you, then you get to decide whether you want to give it to, mail that letter, decide how you want to use that letter in order to accomplish your goal of why you wrote that letter.

therapy letters wont benefit someone if they are being done just because thats what it says to do some where. it .....can.....(Im not saying it will be because only you know whether something will work for you or not) be beneficial if it is what you, deep inside of you need to do for you.

[Travelinglady]

Hi! No doubt your father is responsible for some of what has happened to you. I can't say it's 50%, but I'm sure he has played a role by not being there for you and your mom.

I do think it would be safer to have a therapist to support you as you write a letter to your dad, since it will bring up a lot of emotions.

[Parley]

I second what traveling lady said above.

Hopefully by now you've found some sleep.

[Open Eyes]

Numbed, I think you could write practice letters and try to put your feelings into words.
It may be that after you write a letter and let it set for a bit, that you may want to write it differently.

I can tell you that I had gone through a really bad patch with my PTSD and I didn't sleep well at all and I had been experiencing some challenging flashbacks that I never realized I had stored somehow. I got so I thought that if I told things to my parents it would make it stop, but, it didn't really make it stop and my parents didn't know how to respond either so it was actually futile on my part.

Are you working with a therapist right now?

I found that with PTSD, at least from my own experience, things can come forward and be upsetting and confusing, but eventually with talking about whatever it is that comes forward, realizing these things are "not now" but in the past, and understanding that there is an overall theme to these memories, you can do better by understanding the main core issues and work through those and get so you can verbalize them better. I can tell from your post that you are not quite doing that "yet", but you want to, patience is the key with this healing process, it takes time to be able to put it all into words that really are able to say what you really mean and feel.

Often what happens with complex PTSD is that it lies dormant, can even be dormant for years but what happens is if a person is in a very stressful situation and somehow feels powerless in someway, it can bring on the old things from the past and a childhood where that same feeling/experiences took place.

What happened with me is that I experienced a traumatic event, I was trying to talk about it and get help, I had an attorney that was not listening, was declining mentally and because of who he was and how well known he was, I could not get help or get away from him. I already had post traumatic stress from the traumatic event, I had no flashbacks from my past, only from the event, I did not have flashbacks from my past until being trapped with that lawyer and not being heard. I had a horrible flashback going all the way back to me being in a crib and I would literally cry like a baby and my stomach hurt so badly and I experienced the chills.

What my therapist and I figured out was that I must have been wet and cold and hungry and crying out for someone to come. When a baby is hungry their stomach actually hurts and makes them cry out so a mother will hear and come and feed the baby. I thought about what was happening when I was little, I was the youngest of three and my older brother was such a challenge, ran away a lot and my mother would be frantically looking for him. I probably was in my crib wet crying and hungry and my mother didn't come or hear me. Well, our brains remember everything like that we just don't realize it. Also that house was big and often cold because my parents were just a young couple and they were just doing their best.

So, these things that come forward take time to figure out and they don't come forward to punish you either, it is about how we remember in many ways these experiences that typically involve us having a need and that need not being met and we are frightened and felt powerless somehow.

Understanding what it means and learning how to empower yourself in spite of your past is the best way to help with PTSD. Writing a letter is not about getting a response from someone who was not there for you, in whatever way they were not there to suddenly step up and give you what you want or need. The act of writing the letter is so that you can finally "tell" what your needs were to whomever, and the gain is in knowing you finally were just able to let it go the way you needed to and to gain a sense of "empowerment". It is the adult part of you finally helping that struggling child part of you that will help you heal the most.

((Caring Hugs)))
OE

[Numbed]

*exhales sharply* wow, this is overwhelming for me to read back.

I'm in a different place to what I was back then. My environment, relationship and medication, and everything really, was just constantly pushing me to the edge.

I can't focus 100% right now so i'm unable to respond how I would wish, I just want to say thank you so much to everyone for your words of wisdom, experience and caring/kindness.