[Teacake]

Big trigger. The gunshots were fireworks. Someone on the scanner saw them go up. At least a dozen police sirens and firetrucks came through and the excitement seems to be a few blocks away. No idea what It is.

I'm not worried about It. I'm worried about my stupid self going off like fireworks.

This is difficult. As the sirens were going I wasn't scared or alarmed, or flashing back. I did have an image of myself grabbing the pills and doing myself in. I won't. I haven't been drinking and I have the numbers to call. I have a plan to drive down the street and hang out at the hospital cafe if I get too weird. I'm welcome there. But now I wonder if whatever happened here won't end up there. I don't need to be in the middle of it.

I kind of understand what my problem is. I need to get on top of it. O

And yeah, my trauma saga includes a July night with all the township police cars on my lawn, sirens screaming and lights flashing.

[Teacake]

Yeah. So nothing to do but shiver and cry and try not to retraumatise.

I think I need residential treatment. I'm exhausting myself. I'm so accustomed to minimising my issues, but the truth is I am not well.

[Teacake]

This is weird.

I thought I was insane last night because after I heard sirens and fireworks, I felt the need to stay away from windows and even a desire to get to the basement. I was specifically thinking of gunfire. Even after I heard cop scanner say the reporta were fireworks, he saw them go up, I had a pervasive sense of a man with a gun and of danger If I went outside or even sitting in my house.

Well, two armed robbers were a block or so away with the police looking for them.

I was telling my therapist today how weird t was I was thinking of gunfire coming through the windows since ive never experienced such a thing. But there were desperate guys with guns in the neighborhood. It could have happened.

My fear was reasonable.

I live in a shabby neighborhood a block from a nice neighborhood in a smallish city in an affluent county. I like being in town. I can walk to dinner or the store. I sleep with my doors open.

I feel I could slip away i.to I.sanity and never be found again.

[infoonptsd]

Oh Teacake, I am SOO sorry to hear all of this. That is NOT the way to help get past the fear. I sure hope your T was able to help you with how to process that. I am not even sure what that would look like.

I sure hope you are starting to feel better.

[Teacake]

Nah. I'm letting go of ego. I'm done.

I think its interesting that I sensed a man with a firearm when if you'd asked me what I thought the sirens meant I would have guessed a bad accident.

Now the same intuition that told me to be wary of gunfire is telling me to let go of ego and make my peace with this world so I can move on. I don't mind at all.

[MotownJohnny]

Teacake, that last bit sounds ominous. I have been there, very close to that ... please stay safe, ok, because I sense you don't really want that.

[Teacake]

Its not ominous. Its a natural part of the life cycle.