[Teacake]

I hate the world. No one could ever understand. I cant talk about it to anyone. No one lnows what to say, except platitudes and simpering.

THIS is PTSD, this cut off from humanity. This hatred of everyone who doesnt know and hasnt helped. This annhilating rage.

These strong feelings too powerful and too threatening to ever allow. This automátic shut down, pulling the plug on me, on my consciousness, overriding medicine, overriding anything I could do.

Just before I went out, went numb, I felt my stomach wrench and thought to throwmyself out of the chair into my banda and knees to puke face down, because I felt faint. Then I was gone. I hate this. I hate my life. I hate the world.

Vicarious trauma.

I feel sick for the world. I feel cl for what we are. I dont want to be and suicide wouldnt begin to touch this horror. Wouldnt end it. I am dissociated and I feel insane. Im very calm but I can smell the cab drivers cologne on my clothing. Its very strange to feel out of control and perfectly self possessed together.

Ffs. Since I am a machine for a few hours I can get some coffee and clean my house.

[Open Eyes]

Yes, there is a lot wrong with human nature, isn't something that has an easy fix either. I think one really sees that when they are middle aged too. Mid life crisis is real you know.

Then you were gone, did you pass out Tea?

Look, you still have PTSD, drugs don't wipe it away, don't let yourself feed into it, take note of your emotional urges though and make sure you "eat".

[CANDC]

Teacake, you are right. No one has had or will have the same experience you have and had.
It does not mean people do not care what you are going through. In my opinion what any human suffers we all suffer.
What seems clear is that there is something in your consciousness that sees right through the fog to the clarity of the taxicab drivers cologne. That sounds like awakening to the moment. Some coffee and cleaning the house is a focus on something besides what keeps prodding he mind.
There isn't any neat way I know out of our own mind, but what we suffer, according to Rumi a 13th century poet, is breaking our hearts open so we can feel more of what is happening in this moment.
In all my life I haven't found any way to eliminate suffering - either my own or other peoples - but I can be alive to this moment, this one precious moment. I like to do things because it takes me away from the anger and the stress, so I try and do things I haven't done before like watching and sometimes performing a yoga video from you tube or taking a walk or listening to soothing music.
I try not to run away from life but at the same time I try not to focus on the stress to the point it starts to make me sick. So I am always doing diversionary tactics, but in some small way it helps me get through the day.
A lot of people care but it is risky to respond to raw emotion because you never know how someone will take your effort to express caring and empathy. Do you know what I mean?

[Teacake]

I do know.

Maybe, as this is the most stoned on ptsd I have been, this is the tipping point. Because it wasn't my trauma to tell, and because others were afraid, I have been alone with it for a very long time. 28 years.

What's funny is that the room is slowly spinning like ive been drinking, which I haven't been, and I would be equanimous about death. But like a child I really hope i dont throw up. Lol!

[Parley]

Originally Posted by Teacake

I do know.

Maybe, as this is the most stoned on ptsd I have been, this is the tipping point. Because it wasn't my trauma to tell, and because others were afraid, I have been alone with it for a very long time. 28 years.

What's funny is that the room is slowly spinning like ive been drinking, which I haven't been, and I would be equanimous about death. But like a child I really hope i dont throw up. Lol!

I so relate to this~

Maybe I'm strange because when I start getting the spins and getting sick to my stomach, I start to wonder if ipecac is the cure. lol

[MotownJohnny]

Impossible is an interesting, and pretty good, way to describe it.

I guess in my own case, I would say I feel ... wounded ... secretive ... and tormented.

Wounded, because it all still hurts to f'ing much, after 2 years ... and after 40 some years. The original wounds of childhood with my father never truly healed, they were put on the back burner for years behind a veil of living a mediocre, quietly desperate, unhappy life. As long as I never rocked the boat, never took chances, and just told myself that "this is it, just accept it", it lay dormant, not really troubling me, but always there. Like some long-buried bomb from WWII laying in a farm field in England or France or Belgium or Germany, un-detonated, but so very dangerous, woe be upon the unfortunate farmer when he encountered it. Two years ago, that bomb detonated, and it started a chain reaction that brought me to new levels of traumatic experiences I NEVER would have dreamed possible - hence my reaction after the fact, when I would tell people that, had they told me in June of 2012 where I would be in life by December 2012, and since, I would have asked them, in all seriousness, what drugs they were, because they were obviously high as a kite, stoned out of their minds.

Secretive -- I still guard my "secret shame". I always wonder, "who knows", "who will find out". They pseudo-paranoia/hypervigilence/fear reaction is especially strong at any physician's office or other medical facility - how many of my "ugly secrets" are right there on the computer screen, so easily seen by any assistant, technician, office worker, whoever? Do they know that I was "in the psych ward"? Do they judge me for that? Who else knows in the public? The client? The people at my gym? The guy who opened the door for me this morning? Who knows? What do they know? What do they think? Do they hate me for it?

Tormented - self-explanatory.

[Teacake]

Originally Posted by Parley

I so relate to this~

Maybe I'm strange because when I start getting the spins and getting sick to my stomach, I start to wonder if ipecac is the cure. lol

I think of Sartres guy who looked at a tree and wanted to puke, because the existence of the free was nauseating, because existence bites, we are ****ed by our existence.

I think Sartre just had allergies.

[CANDC]

Originally Posted by Parley

I so relate to this~

Maybe I'm strange because when I start getting the spins and getting sick to my stomach, I start to wonder if ipecac is the cure. lol

Does deep or controlled belly breathing help? Have you ever tried laying face down on the earth?

[Teacake]

Originally Posted by CANDC

Does deep or controlled belly breathing help? Have you ever tried laying face down on the earth?

I can will down autonomic arousal with belly breathing and just willing it down.

I stomped on the earth to get grounded last night. But my histamine levels are so high, face down on the earth might shoot me off like a bottle rocket! If they weren't, id give it a try.

[CANDC]

Forgive my questions if they seem intrusive, but I am deeply interested in PTSD. The autonomic arousal means this is a tough beast to control from the sounds of it. Well, what about meditation, not in the moment of distress, but in the morning and the evening to build an awareness or mindfulness that surpasses the instinctive flight or fight impulse so that one has a "friend" in a heightened sense of awareness that knows the impulse is not one that need to be acted on. Is there any food for thought there?

[JadeAmethyst]

Dear Teacake

If I were to see you across from me sitting in a small café, would you let me sit with you and care about you for a while? Would you allow me to walk with you in the early morning light when the Sun comes awake? Could we walk silently in a dew dampened park and sit next to a sparkling water garden filled with Koi and lily pads? Would it be ok to care about you the way friends can?
Please Teacake let us all care about you....
We all love you.

Love
Jade

[Parley]

Originally Posted by Teacake

I think of Sartres guy who looked at a tree and wanted to puke, because the existence of the free was nauseating, because existence bites, we are ****ed by our existence.

I think Sartre just had allergies.

Maybe he just got sick because of the tree's stability and lack of need for human contact. He got jealous. jealous of it's roots?

I guess I don't believe existence bites but we can be ****ed by our existence.

Originally Posted by CANDC

Does deep or controlled belly breathing help? Have you ever tried laying face down on the earth?

belly breathing works when I'm concentrating but it doesn't last long. I have not tried laying face down on the earth. What's the point in that?

[Open Eyes]

Originally Posted by Teacake

I hate the world. No one could ever understand. I cant talk about it to anyone. No one lnows what to say, except platitudes and simpering.

THIS is PTSD, this cut off from humanity. This hatred of everyone who doesnt know and hasnt helped. This annhilating rage.

These strong feelings too powerful and too threatening to ever allow. This automátic shut down, pulling the plug on me, on my consciousness, overriding medicine, overriding anything I could do.

Just before I went out, went numb, I felt my stomach wrench and thought to throwmyself out of the chair into my banda and knees to puke face down, because I felt faint. Then I was gone. I hate this. I hate my life. I hate the world.

Vicarious trauma.

I feel sick for the world. I feel cl for what we are. I dont want to be and suicide wouldnt begin to touch this horror. Wouldnt end it. I am dissociated and I feel insane. Im very calm but I can smell the cab drivers cologne on my clothing. Its very strange to feel out of control and perfectly self possessed together.

Ffs. Since I am a machine for a few hours I can get some coffee and clean my house.

Everything you are saying here is "true" about you specifically Teacake. Yes, this has been a big part of your personal challenge since you were very young too.

Yes, you survived a lot and developed a kind of sense of "prediction and intuitiveness and sensitivity" that others don't quite understand, yet some do who may have similar challenges and can pick up on how you are also sensitive. It "can" bring a sense of "I am gifted" with it too, because you developed a higher sense of awareness. You had a lot of the elements of PTSD, but not what you are like right now where you struggle to function, before you thrived and even was able to give your son what you had needed yourself.

You ask yourself why now? Well, you are in a place where you feel estranged from "thriving" and you are struggling to connect too. You don't want to have to ask your son for help either, and part of you doesn't even want him to see you struggling this way either. You have also been trying to find the right person who can help you, and that had eluded you in your past too. Yes, you have picked up on a lot of things, and you understand a lot that many others have not and it is frustrating for you. Yes, that feeling of not finding anyone capable of understanding the complexities of you is very "real" too. Yes, this is what many of the veterans that come home from war and seeing the atrocities that human beings are capable of, feel civilians cannot possible understand or relate to experience too.

This huge need is indeed very hard for the average person to comprehend and is being studied constantly in an effort to try to understand it better. I know this is very hard to go through the way you are right now too, it is confusing as hell too. Yet, if you can work through this to where you can finally get it all down into verbally expressing it to where you can do so without the emotional charge in it, you will gain a sense of achievement that you had not experienced before.

I feel the key is understanding what it really means and having a witness that can help you through it because it really does come out with a lot of emotional expressions that wont really make sense to the average person.

I am just not sure this medication is right, but an AD can be helpful in protecting the cells in your hypo-campus while you work through this process of finally letting all of this out. It is also important that you have patience with this and do your best to get rest and that rest may at times be a challenge right now for you, but the use of meditation and resting your frontal lobe will help a lot.

It just has to come out into language to where you can finally process it into memories that don't have the emotional charges they are presenting to you right now. It's gonna take time and patience.

If you want to use this thread to make that effort to get it out and into a language, that is fine too. The one it needs to make the most sense to is you yet you do need permission to have support as you work on that process.

In the meantime, keep trying to find a T that understands how you need to do this process.

OE

[CANDC]

Originally Posted by Parley

Maybe he just got sick because of the tree's stability and lack of need for human contact. He got jealous. jealous of it's roots?

I guess I don't believe existence bites but we can be ****ed by our existence.


belly breathing works when I'm concentrating but it doesn't last long. I have not tried laying face down on the earth. What's the point in that?

Parley, you asked what is the point in laying face down on the earth. With your hands face down supporting your forehead, you sink or relax toward the ground the energy. The scientists say this whole universe is energy so when we get all spinning I suppose our energy is not grounded. If you think of a metaphor, laying down face down on the earth is like embracing mother earth and mother earth embracing us. It is an allowing of whatever we picked up along the way to sink into the earth. And the earth rebalances us. It may not work perfectly every time, but it gives us a place to turn away from the problem and take a few deep breaths and begin again.

[MotownJohnny]

I remember taking refuge as a teenager in the fields and woods behind our neighborhood. I could lay in the tall meadow grasses in the summer and just stare up at the sky and clouds and dream of being someone and somewhere else. It is that sense of temporary refuge, safety that helps. We know it is just in the moment, but for that moment we are safe.

That is kind of a metaphor for PTSD in general - a search for that feeling of security, of "I'm ok, I'm safe."

[CANDC]

Originally Posted by MotownJohnny

I remember taking refuge as a teenager in the fields and woods behind our neighborhood. I could lay in the tall meadow grasses in the summer and just stare up at the sky and clouds and dream of being someone and somewhere else. It is that sense of temporary refuge, safety that helps. We know it is just in the moment, but for that moment we are safe.

That is kind of a metaphor for PTSD in general - a search for that feeling of security, of "I'm ok, I'm safe."

I know what you mean about a feeling of security and safety. Somehow all my efforts to find it outside crumble after a while but the ones I seek within myself like that meadow you describe looking up at the sky just keep getting stronger the more I exercise them. Thanks for sharing that image. I have had days like that too.

[Teacake]

Originally Posted by JadeAmethyst

Dear Teacake

If I were to see you across from me sitting in a small café, would you let me sit with you and care about you for a while? Would you allow me to walk with you in the early morning light when the Sun comes awake? Could we walk silently in a dew dampened park and sit next to a sparkling water garden filled with Koi and lily pads? Would it be ok to care about you the way friends can?
Please Teacake let us all care about you....
We all love you.

Love
Jade

You made me cry, Jade, and it broke the spell. Thank you. I spent the night wondering If I can come back to humanity. Today it seems possible. I dont feel the need to reject what I am as a species too impossible to be. I dont even know what im trying to say, but thank you, and I love you too.

[Teacake]

Originally Posted by CANDC

Parley, you asked what is the point in laying face down on the earth. With your hands face down supporting your forehead, you sink or relax toward the ground the energy. The scientists say this whole universe is energy so when we get all spinning I suppose our energy is not grounded. If you think of a metaphor, laying down face down on the earth is like embracing mother earth and mother earth embracing us. It is an allowing of whatever we picked up along the way to sink into the earth. And the earth rebalances us. It may not work perfectly every time, but it gives us a place to turn away from the problem and take a few deep breaths and begin again.

It meant the world to me that this rental house had a yard. I have a pretty little springtime corner of spinners and lilies, and some herbs, but the real joy has been in the digging, and having an excuse to sit on the earth like a child.

[Teacake]

Originally Posted by Parley

Maybe he just got sick because of the tree's stability and lack of need for human contact. He got jealous. jealous of it's roots?

I guess I don't believe existence bites but we can be ****ed by our existence.


belly breathing works when I'm concentrating but it doesn't last long. I have not tried laying face down on the earth. What's the point in that?

If I recall, the same guy who got sick from trees had the same experience with a scrap of paper. He was sort of sensitive about things that existed. They didn't agree with him.

[Parley]

Originally Posted by CANDC

Parley, you asked what is the point in laying face down on the earth. With your hands face down supporting your forehead, you sink or relax toward the ground the energy. The scientists say this whole universe is energy so when we get all spinning I suppose our energy is not grounded. If you think of a metaphor, laying down face down on the earth is like embracing mother earth and mother earth embracing us. It is an allowing of whatever we picked up along the way to sink into the earth. And the earth rebalances us. It may not work perfectly every time, but it gives us a place to turn away from the problem and take a few deep breaths and begin again.

I think i'll try this. It almost sounds logical but I might be getting desperate. lol

Originally Posted by Teacake

If I recall, the same guy who got sick from trees had the same experience with a scrap of paper. He was sort of sensitive about things that existed. They didn't agree with him.

So what do you think he had an allergy to? Change?

I read this many years ago so I'd have to reread it to change my opinion.

[CANDC]

[QUOTE=Parley;3898898]I think i'll try this. It almost sounds logical but I might be getting desperate. lol

If you don't have a yard that is suitable to lay down on the earth or the weather is bad, you can lay down on your living room rug and just feel the connection to mother earth. Let me know how it goes if you try it.

[Parley]

I will let you know. I won't waste my time trying it in the house. I'm not saying I won't if it works but no use in creating doubt before I give it an honest try.

[Teacake]

Originally Posted by Parley

I think i'll try this. It almost sounds logical but I might be getting desperate. lol


So what do you think he had an allergy to? Change?

I read this many years ago so I'd have to reread it to change my opinion.

He identified his problem as existence. He thought it was copulating with him. It seems most likely he had a high histamine condition.

If I could be young again I would not read so many books.

[Teacake]

[QUOTE=CANDC;3898905]

Originally Posted by Parley

I think i'll try this. It almost sounds logical but I might be getting desperate. lol

If you don't have a yard that is suitable to lay down on the earth or the weather is bad, you can lay down on your living room rug and just feel the connection to mother earth. Let me know how it goes if you try it.

We used to roll down hills for fun.

[Teacake]

But what I meant to say is you can ground standing barefoot on the earth, or sitting n your sitting bones, with your hands palm down on the earth. Or just lounging, as kids do.