[thickntired]

Does anyone here have repressed memories? I have read about blackouts, but I'm missing what seems more like months to years of my childhood. Actually the differences are really confusing because maybe I had a whole bunch of blackouts off and on for years.

My brother became terminally ill when I was 3 and died when I was 7. I have a few spotty memories during those years but I have absolutely no recollection of my brother. To this day I can't look at his pictures I'm so messed up over the whole deal. I also have no memory of my 2 spinal taps.

The most jacked up thing of all is at age 8 a babysitter abused me, and I can remember that like it was yesterday.

[Violet Blue]

I understand. My dad died when I was in fourth grade. I remember my first day of kindergarten and even dresses I wore in second grade! I remember being told he died. The wake. The funeral. The cemetery. Memories of my dad? Nope. Nothing. Zero.

[thickntired]

This article is from case studies of adults who were children in concentration camps. They use the terms disassociation and amnesia. The only part I completely disagree with is a portion that claims a life is unfulfilled if a person can't remember and gain closure with the past. That is a load of crap!!!

Recovered Memory Project » Memory disturbances and dissociative amnesia in Holocaust survivors

[thickntired]

Originally Posted by Violet Blue

I understand. My dad died when I was in fourth grade. I remember my first day of kindergarten and even dresses I wore in second grade! I remember being told he died. The wake. The funeral. The cemetery. Memories of my dad? Nope. Nothing. Zero.

Really? I'm sorry about your Dad

So, you can remember the details around the trauma. I also remember my Mom on the morning of my brother's funeral and how people treated me different. I just think of forgetting as a self-defense mechanism for my brain, but I get confused between the two labels. I thought blackouts could be when a person gets violent and has no recollection of the event.

[Lady Courtesan]

It sounds as if you are talking about DID-disociative identity disorder, once called multiple personality.

I was ten when my father died-he was only 37 and went to work one day and we never saw him again. They told me that they had to drag me away from his coffin for three days. After that, I was not consious for most of the next three years. I was abused for eight years altogether and when it was the worst, something stronger came out of me and kept me from remembering.

I believe black outs are associated more with drugs and alcohol-in DID, there is always a part of you that is awake and in charge. You might want to check out the DID section.

Best of luck

[Violet Blue]

thickntired,

I think it is difficult to remember most things at age three, other than snippets and "gut feelings." That could explain why "your head" has trouble remembering your brother. I mentioned remembering snippets of school (like a favorite dress or growing a lima bean plant in a milk carton) but I do not remember the house I lived in from zero to 7 years of age. Memory is an amazing thing!

My personal feeling is - because you mentioned you still get messed up looking at his pictures - that your "heart" remembers your brother. Sometimes little hearts can also feel survivor's guilt. And unless little hearts are allowed to grieve and work out the loss, they lock it up. Some will throw away the key, but the memory is still there, maybe manifesting itself as pain stored in the body. I say this from personal experience only.

[thickntired]

Thank you both for your replies. I agree that age adds confusion and gives us horrible coping skills. I have always felt survivor's guilt which really a backwards way to live. I will definitely check out DID. I'm just trying to get a little better understanding on the diagnosis before heading into trauma therapy. I've put off the therapy for my whole life and numbed myself with drugs. There are just some things I can't escape.

[Violet Blue]

Once again, I can totally relate! Therapy is not easy. It was one of the hardest things I ever did. I thought it showed that I was a weakling. WRONG!!!! You have to have guts to face the truth of your life!

Along the way I found out that a diagnosis is not always an exact science, and what one doc will say, or what one test will reveal, doesn't give anyone a blueprint to their healing.

And for me and my experience, the dx - when all was said and done - didn't really matter. I was hurt. I was broken. I needed someone to hear my story and help me get my life back. To me, it didn't matter what the "dx code" was. I spent a third of my life in a "traumatic childhood" environment, a third of my life in denial, and now this third of my life trying to heal so that I can live without the ghosts. Don't waste any more time, thickntired. You are so worth it!

For me, the healing came down to the supportive therapeutic relationship, the actual journey of retelling the stories until I could file them somewhere. Oh, and my stubborn, bull-headed determination!

I've been dealing with Complex PTSD and DDNOS, and all the dx's in-between for what feels like a lifetime. Am I 100% healed? Nope! But I will happily take the 80%!

There is hope. There is light at the end of the tunnel.

I wish you a speedy - yet very fulfilling journey!