I actually miss the intensity I had immediately after

After the psych ward, that is. When I was done with that, I was filled with a burning intensity to change everything in my life. It was completely based on fear, fear of the situation, of being "outed", fear of the diagnosis (bipolar II at that time), fear of pretty much everything .... A lot of fear, the kind that keeps you up at night, the kind that makes you do things because you are afraid not to do them. It was highly motivating, as well as highly unpleasant. Kind of the way a sudden severe toothache motivates someone to call the dentist.

It actually served me well in some ways - the intensity of that period kept me going 24/7 on little sleep. I accomplished a lot in terms of personal change. It was a period of really trying new things and really changing myself. It was a lot of positive growth, even though it also was a lot of pain.

Before someone again accuses me of being "manic", I will state for the record that I previously was imprecise in past posts about the role of sleep in my life. I used to write "I don't need a lot of sleep" and people would respond with "well, you must be manic." That isn't what is going on. It was imprecise to say I don't "need" a lot of sleep. To be precise, I function on minimal sleep, 3-4-5 hours. I don't function optimally. I don't always even function well. I NEED a lot more sleep than I get. The only way I get through life is with a LOT of caffeine, inappropriate amounts of caffeine, in fact. I know all of this. It is what it is ... this is what I've become. An addict, even if it is just energy drinks and Vivarin.

Not manic, driven. There is a big difference. Driven is purposeful, oriented on one goal that doesn't change, rationally based. Drive is a good thing. Athletes have it. Leaders have it. I want it. I need to have it.

Problem is, I have less of it than I did. The intensity of my experience has diminished. I still don't feel "safe" but I guess I do feel less of an imminent, moment by moment threat to my existence.

As a result, well, I am getting more sleep - still not enough, but more. And, well, it sucks. Because while I need it, it's lost time. And time is something there is NEVER enough of. I am getting more sleep at the expense of ... what I really should be doing.

The intensity was there two years ago - I wanted change more than I wanted sleep. That made me do things even when I was too tired, I'd suck it up and just do it. I would say "well, just man up, and get out there, you have NO choice."

Now, I admit to being too tired, and I slough it off. I turn off the alarm clock and go back to sleep for another hour. I cut things short. I skip things at times. And I hate it, because it's slowing me down, it's getting me to the finish line slower. I need to get to the finish line. It's a race against time, time is winning right now.

I MUST WIN. My life depends on it, I have to win. There is no other option for me at this point. I have a pretty concrete vision of what constitutes a win - healthy and happy. Physically. Mentally. Spiritually. At peace. Not always at war within my own mind.

I've come too far to give up on that now. I need to use every resource available to me to get where I MUST go. I have no choice. It's not optional, my life depends on it.

Yet, I am fighting the second-worst stretch of depression in 2 years "since it happened". The only worse period was last December-January. Currently, my energy level is low, my enthusiasm is low, and I'm just not getting done what I MUST get done.

Is my depression contributing to the slowdown, or is the slowdown contributing to my depression? Chicken and egg, I guess. I have been depressed for a couple of months, and am still depressed. You know it's depression when you envy someone's suicide. NOT healthy.

I resolve to do better. Get in that extra workout. Work harder on making myself happy. Find that little extra moment of peace in the day, even if it IS just ONE moment. Try and feel better about myself. Get back my drive, get back my energy, get back my intensity, but not from fear, from hope.

Fear can be a powerful motivator, but it can also backfire. Fear of missing out on things can be legitimately motivating, as can fear of loss, but if you add to it the fear of not being able to accomplish things (powerlessness, I suppose) things can go wrong very quickly.

Hope and the drive to accomplish positive things, as well as using negative motivation (fear) wisely, only work in the presence of an optimistic belief in oneself and trust in the world. There are many reasons why people lose that sense of optimism and self-confidence, what I DO know is I am having a ton of trouble without it and I too need it back!

I think I'll resolve as well. I'm not looking to do everything at once but I already gave up coffee with caffeine, so i'll consider that a start and commit to exercising on a regular basis.

I get what you are saying~ I miss the intensity as well. I think I can tap into it but that's a fuse i'm not willing to play with right now.

I have envied several things that I know is wrong but ...
I wish I knew what to say but I have no experience with depression but, in general, your statement rings true for me as well. Hope things turn around for ya.

Do you have high histamine? High drive. Obama build. Long, lean, all paws and ears? Second toe longer than big toe? Sneeze in sunlight? Lots of saliva. Cry easily.

Look up high histamine and histadelia. Its treatable with inexpensive minerals. You can have ptsd AND high histamine. High histamine people are probably more likely to survive childhood trauma fighting for a real life. We get ptsd more often because we dont shy from risk.

It looks like mania. It can look like narcissism. We get suicidal. We know thanatos. We are obsessive. We are sexy and powerful. If we tried to have a support group it would end in orgiastic bachanal and mass suicide. I'm not saying Its a bad thing...

Its treatable.

I'm getting back on the wagon. Low histamine diet. Lots of water. Vitamin c. Ca, mg, mn, zn, cu. My treatment goal is to avoid suicide. It seems inevitable this week. But...die fighting.

We get headaches a lot when histamine is high.

We have high homocysteine levels.

Check it out. Do the simple treatments first. Drink more water. Caffeine dehydrates. It also worsens depression.

Coffee itself creates depression in some people.

Find peace, Johnny.

Mowtown, is this depression increasing with the thought of going over your past and reviewing your hurt areas? Could it be that doing this new process twice a week might be too much? Have you talked about this with this new T?

You do well when not everything is about PTSD, and you have "goals" you keep setting.

The whole purpose with this new therapy is supposed to be about getting rid of the bugs that bother you, it's not about finding fault about yourself. If you think about it like that you will feel depressed. Remember, no matter what is there you achieved and thrived "in spite" of it. In all honesty, that deserves recognition.

I noticed that seems to be a common thread with all of us here in this forum. It is actually "very human" to need "recognition". It is just that with PTSD, that need is magnified.

The other thing I noticed is that most of us were misdiagnosed at first instead of having our "real" needs recognized. Hey, none of us went to college and med school to get a degree in psychology/psychiatry, we were expecting the people we reached out to to know this stuff.

No, I'm good with it. I always rip the bandage off, easier in the long run.