[MotownJohnny]

You know, it was not easy at all growing up under him. But it also was not easy watching her always be scared, upset, nervous, constantly. Honestly, when I think about it, she should have PTSD, too. She doesn't act like it, but she doesn't always express deep feelings well, she gets overwhelmed and just cries. Sometimes I think it's a bit of a put-on, gets her out of facing things that way, and it makes me feel mad and bad for her all at once.

I love her, I think of her as my best friend in the world in some ways, and I have resolved, this far into it, to make her last few years as good as possible. I know I didn't help the past couple, with her watching me go through this, and dealing with my moods, my attitudes, my anger.

Also, she is the only family member who knows the truth. NOT by my choice. It was hideous, actually. About half way into the day hospital, she caught me in a lie about where I was. I was NOT at work where I claimed to be. So, she started in on me. I swear she missed her calling, she should have been a CIA interogator, the prisoners at Guantanmo would have sung like canaries. She got the entire ugly truth out of me in a 4-5 hour, middle of the night session, where I kept saying "X is happening, aren't you proud of me now?" - very sarcastically.

More later ...

[kaliope]

regardless of how it happened, I am glad that you were able to share with your mom what you are going thru. I think it will take some of the burden off you having somebody else knowing your story.

[MotownJohnny]

Honestly, one of my biggest regrets. I broke under pressure. I absolutely did not want her or anyone to know. And that also was hard, I am still angry about that. I told her multiple times I did not want to discuss anything, don't ask, give me privacy. But no. I can't think of any time I was really glad she knew. But you are right about something, once the cat was out of the bag I didn't 't have to lie to her any more. I still try to never talk about it and keep my business my business.

See, part of the problem, no respect for my feelings, desires, boundaries.

[MotownJohnny]

Anyway, I'm not gonna go on and on about it - bottom line, I am angry that she wasn't strong enough to get away from him for my sake, as well as her own. But abused women frequently stay our of fear or whatever.

Water under the bridge except for my anger which I keep to myself.

[Open Eyes]

How old is your mom now Mowtown?

[MotownJohnny]

90! Another reason why I kind of keep things to myself. It is unfair to stress her out. She has a lot of physical health problems but deals with them reasonably well, although she is still "high maintenance" in that she needs a lot of assistance, transportation, etc. there is absolutely nothing wrong with her mind, which is good and bad, I can't get away with anything, lol. She is stubborn, exasperating, and incredible in some ways.

I have this anger about her failing to protect me, yet I am proud that I was her protector. I want to tear into her some days and let her have it both barrels with "why didn't you save me" yet that would be horrible, and I don't want to hurt her, she was definitely a victim. I don't foresee ever being able to "forgive" in the sense of not being angry and bitter either my father of the quack. But with her, I want to be able to forgive, after all it would not alter the facts of my life st this point if she knew I blame her as well.

So many conflicting emotions. Great job security for T.

[Open Eyes]

Oh my mother is the same age as yours. That generation was different from now Mowtown, women were no where near as independent as they are now. Women were imprinted with "the man is the boss/ruler/king" of the home and they were to obey. That generation was also raised by parents who followed along with "children are to be seen and not heard".

Your mother did not have information available to her like you do now too. Your mother more than likely was terrified to let anyone know about how your father really was "different". In her mind, she did protect you and her other children, she went along with pretending her family was "fine" to society.

Parents of that generation had so little knowledge about the human brain and that children could struggle psychologically in an environment that you discribe. When you talk about your own fears of being deemed a "bad person or failure", it was just as bad for your parents and your mother. You need to realize that the messages instilled in you were deeply instilled in your parents too. It was dangerous for a woman with three or four children to even consider breaking away from "the provider". And as bad as you witnessed your father's behavior, god only knows what he said to your mother in private. Women of that generation had no one to talk to about the challenges that your mother had, in many ways your mother was on her own and "enabling" long before you were challenged. Your mother most likely disassociated a lot too. At 90 years old, your mother is only capable of giving you whatever she can. It is very much like comparing an old phone with a roto dialer to the phones we have now that do so much more than that old phone did.

There are dynamics to how victims like your mother develop a "munchausen"s" mindset unknowingly. The way your sister's reacted and protected your father is because they too learned how to be "enablers and codependents", that is what women knew in that generation. The fact that your sister's to this day do not want to "see or think about" how you suffered and experienced the family dysfunctional dynamics differently is their way of how they developed "disassociation" to survive.

It is very hard to learn how to lift the curtain that exposes the "whys" to the continuing dysfunctional behaviors in a family. When a person struggles with PTSD, they are so consumed with their own pain/challenge that to get to a point of seeing the "whys" behind the poor behavior of others in their family is not really "there" in them for a while. It is too painful just to talk about the different members, it's too painful and often the sufferer "avoids" because how easily that can lead to them experiencing a very painful and debilitating PTSD cycle. It is hard enough to understand the PTSD, let alone be on a level where one can "reason".

When PTSD develops, it is just too painful at first, it is like any bad injury that traumatizes the body and the person comes to a screeching hault and has to access the injury "first". When you look back on how bad you were Mowtown, even very suicidal, that was all due to a lot of confusion and a great deal of "fear" and overwhelm that the only way to get "away" is to "end" completely.

The reason you are so "angry" now is because you are realizing the gravity of where you were and how crucial it was that you had the right help at the time. I have recognized that myself, I am very angry too. I was treated so horribly for something so serious that I really could not help. Mowtown, when you joined PC and were in such a bad mindset, I did know where you were and I had to do my best to "promise" you to hang in there because this really bad time would pass remember? I was every bit as bad as you and the only thing I really had at the time was PC, and having access to others who talked about it from "their POV" as a patient or sufferer. What really saved me was how a member explained to me that the strong suicidal thoughts came in waves and to pay attention because while they are strong, they also fade and go away too. To have a person who knows just what I was struggling with that had figured it out and was able to help me "hang on" was what saved my life, I did not have that help IRL at all.

Mowtown, as I see you gaining and putting forth the effort to heal, I see a person who is doing all the right things. You are also getting to a place in your healing where you are able to consider "the whys" behind the dysfunction you experienced, and currently experience. Anyone who is working through it will admit that "it is no cake walk" and
it is defintely an emotional challenge.

I had therapy yesterday and I talked with my therapist again about the way I was misdiagnosed, misunderstood and what that meant to me. One of the things we talked about is "narcissism" too. He talked about what that really means and how that word is stigmatized or misunderstood. There is a difference between "narcissistic traits" and NPD too. It is important to understand the difference because when a person struggling is looking at the people in their life that hurt them, it can be very confusing if they don't understand NPD verses narcissistic traits. Actually, the media tends to throw around that word in a "bad" way as well.

My therapist said that most people in prominent positions like CEO's and especially "all" our presidents and many politicians have "narcissistic traits" and not NPD. People who have strong convictions and beliefs, even strong beliefs in themselves express narcissitic traits, we do have to have that to be strong and "thrive" and have the ability for "leadership" too. A person can have narcissistic traits and be able to have "empathy" too. When a person has NPD, they only see others as objects to gain something from, they are very materialistic and are lacking in true "depth" but instead are more shallow in nature.

A person who struggles with PTSD can appear to be extremely "self involved and angry and protective", however, we are talking about a person who has been "traumatized and hurt and invaded", that is "not" NPD. Also, in reviewing "others" and especially "family members", it is important to make sure that how they are viewed is "not magnified" into people who all have NPD.

That was very confusing for me, especially when I was in the "very sensitive" stage of PTSD. It is hard for a while because when a person is in a very "sensitive" state of PTSD, everything is magnified and a threat, especially family members who are often distant, cold, and often insensitive and judgemental.

When a person is "healing" with PTSD, they are slowly working through some significant hurts, are often very careful about how much they share which comes from a time where that was considered a very dangerous thing to do. What the person is doing in the healing process is learning how to develop "healthy" narcissism again. It is a journey in understanding "self" on a very different level, learning to rebuild a healthier self esteem, learning how to care about "self" in healthier ways in spite of whatever "unhealthy" subconscious messages are instilled in them due to a family's dysfunction.

Mowtown, I have noticed that you have "turned a corner" in your healing process. I have noticed that you have been able to level out enough to begin to see others in a different light, and, even have the where with all to look "behind" the dysfunctional people in your past too.

Yesterday, my therapist stopped me and talked to me about how I "still" had that boulder from how I was treated in that psych ward in the way. After he discussed that with me, he wanted to make sure I did not think he was "angry" with me. No, I did not think that he was angry with me, I thought he did see me "stuck" and he was trying to "help" me understand how to see "how I was stuck" differently. I still have a lot of anger, but I am also "turning" a corner in how I look at that whole experience in a different light too. It is "hard", and I noticed others who also have a lot of anger about not being properly diagnosed when they really did need that to happen.

It is really a challenging journey, I don't have to tell anyone who reads this and struggles with PTSD. All I can say is that the "healing" journey does come in "stages" and the first stage is mostly about finding "the hurts" first. Everyone will agree, this part is painful, inconvenient, and exhausting. However, it is also important to understand that this will lead to "gains" too.

The fact that you can talk about your parents in a much "calmer" state of mind is expressing a lot of progress Mowtown. You are slowly finding yourself again, a sense of calm/collect that you really did not have before. This is an important "gain" for you (((Mowtown))).