I have searched the internet and these forums to see if I can find any connections to something I have noticed in myself for many years. I am not sure whether to put this here or in PTSD, so I figure I will just do both.

In order to understand that strangeness of the question, I need to give a little readers digest version of where I am currently at:
I AM seeing a therapist now as I have always had an extreme fear of many things including people to the point of my entire life being planned around how to keep people happy. There are to many crazy things to get into them but we have determined that I show almost all signs of PTSD from childhood. He asked me about sexual abuse and I have absolutely no memory of anything and look at my family and say there is no way (I can't imagine my mother not noticing changes in me if it were). I know why he asked and many things have made me wonder myself since I was a young adult. I DO know that there was emotional abuse and neglect and it is completely possible that everything I deal with is from there.
Here is where it seems strange and I can't find anything to show if this is a sign of something or just that I have a more disgusting mind then I feel like I have. It is hard to even put what happens down here even knowing that nobody has a clue who I am, it is just embarrassing that I am this way! Ok, here goes because I have to know if this is another sign I really need to look at and bring up or if it is just me.
................ I notice when I watch tv and especially some of the crime shows that when it comes to sexual attacks on both adults and children I don't have a middle ground response as I do when it comes to just attacks. I am not sure that makes sense. I am a multi-tasker and will often do other things when watching tv. I always have, but never really paid attention to it until now.... noticed that when a seen of a rape comes on I either react by really stopping to pay attention to it or having to turn it off because I can't watch it. Strangely and horrifically to me, I seem to have the strongest reaction to both needing to see it when they are depicting kids being attacked. I have always been a child 'rescueer' for a lack of a better way to put it. I have always had to work in a field or found outside ways to 'save the children'. I had always assumed it was because of the emotional abuse, but how do other people react to tv and movie scenes? Is this a sign of something I need to consider more or is there something even more disturbing in my mind then what is already swimming up there.

I can't believe I put this out there, but I don't know how else to see if there are any other people out there that share this reaction. I hope to **** that I am not the only one because it does feel like it.

Thanks guys and sorry for the long post.

[SecondSkin]

Not sure I can be too much help here, and this is just my opinion, but I think (in regards to watching TV) you're suffering from a strong case of empathy. Why they even put rape scenes on TV is beyond me. Shock value, I guess. It shouldn't be something that anyone wants to watch, so if it bothers you to the point where you turn it off.... I personally think that's just being a compassionate human who doesn't want to see others get hurt. I don't like watching anything that's too intense. But that's me.
Maybe the past childhood issues are enough to trigger a trauma response. There are no hard and fast rules about what is considered traumatic.
I don't know if that was helpful or not, but I hope you find the answer you're looking for.

[Silent_Tears_17]

I completely get this. Never really thought of it the way you post, but I get it.
I am a multi- tasker where tv is concerned too. Sometimes it is just nice to have voices in the quiet house. The one and only show that gets my full attention - law and order: SVU.
The way I see it, is that its comforting. So now I know i sound crazy, but hear me out.
I don't talk about what has happened to me. I don't remember all of it. And I've often gotten sub-par responses from people I have sought out for help.
Watching it is a safe way to start to work through things even if you don't remember them. And even if you have never been abused, things come down to the emotions. You noted rape and child abuse - both situations where the victim has a complete lack of control. A feeling very triggering for you.
And you may not be able to feel sorry for yourself. You may not be able to empathize with your younger self. But you can feel and empathize for this fictitious character who is some way reminds you of you consciously or sub consciously.
Sometimes I call it triggering myself. I know I am looking to be upset, to feel triggered. But it is in a way that is distant, and in my control. I hold the remote control. I know its tv so whats the worst they can show. And I know that I can turn it off if I need to. I can't deal with my issues. I can't deal with the big picture. But watching this it just does a little bit. Its just little enough that I can handle it. And feel some of those emotions in a controlled way.
And then see the "happy ending" (loose term) when the victim gets the help and support they need. And they get justice. I see it like desensitization (a behavior therapy technique). And I think it is very normal. And it could be very helpful with your healing. Sorry for the super long response. Hope this helps.

I am partially glad someone has had a similar sensation.

It is quite disturbing to me that I almost feel drawn to attacks of a sexual nature on tv. I am not sure if I would prefer the reason to be connected to a blocked abuse or no abuse (as this would mean it is something just in me and that would be even worse I think)!

Sure hope some others also have insight here. Sure nothing on the internet that I can find about this.

[amandalouise]

Originally Posted by lt12345

I have searched the internet and these forums to see if I can find any connections to something I have noticed in myself for many years. I am not sure whether to put this here or in PTSD, so I figure I will just do both.

In order to understand that strangeness of the question, I need to give a little readers digest version of where I am currently at:
I AM seeing a therapist now as I have always had an extreme fear of many things including people to the point of my entire life being planned around how to keep people happy. There are to many crazy things to get into them but we have determined that I show almost all signs of PTSD from childhood. He asked me about sexual abuse and I have absolutely no memory of anything and look at my family and say there is no way (I can't imagine my mother not noticing changes in me if it were). I know why he asked and many things have made me wonder myself since I was a young adult. I DO know that there was emotional abuse and neglect and it is completely possible that everything I deal with is from there.
Here is where it seems strange and I can't find anything to show if this is a sign of something or just that I have a more disgusting mind then I feel like I have. It is hard to even put what happens down here even knowing that nobody has a clue who I am, it is just embarrassing that I am this way! Ok, here goes because I have to know if this is another sign I really need to look at and bring up or if it is just me.
................ I notice when I watch tv and especially some of the crime shows that when it comes to sexual attacks on both adults and children I don't have a middle ground response as I do when it comes to just attacks. I am not sure that makes sense. I am a multi-tasker and will often do other things when watching tv. I always have, but never really paid attention to it until now.... noticed that when a seen of a rape comes on I either react by really stopping to pay attention to it or having to turn it off because I can't watch it. Strangely and horrifically to me, I seem to have the strongest reaction to both needing to see it when they are depicting kids being attacked. I have always been a child 'rescueer' for a lack of a better way to put it. I have always had to work in a field or found outside ways to 'save the children'. I had always assumed it was because of the emotional abuse, but how do other people react to tv and movie scenes? Is this a sign of something I need to consider more or is there something even more disturbing in my mind then what is already swimming up there.

I can't believe I put this out there, but I don't know how else to see if there are any other people out there that share this reaction. I hope to **** that I am not the only one because it does feel like it.

Thanks guys and sorry for the long post.

Im sorry but we cant tell you if this is something or a sign of something in you or your life. what I can say is that human beings are a diverse species when it comes to how they react, things they like, things they dont, things that grab their attention, things that make them not want to watch a tv show or sink right into it.

as a normal part of life there are those who can watch for example horror shows and there are those that cant or this type of show doesnt interest them, another example some people like watching animal shows, others like sci fi some people have a mix of what they like and dont like to watch on tv. Some people even take their favorite tv shows and model/emulate them, some tv shows have a whole business made out of the fan crave for media (look at the harry potter craze or the star trek craze...

my point is as human beings we make up our own minds to what is attractive to us and what isnt and sometimes human beings bounce back and forth on their favorite themes of tv shows. it doesnt necessarily mean the person who watches shows with rape scenes are mentally unstable or have a mental problem.

that said if you really want to know whether this is your normal or whether its indicative of something else you will need to contact your treatment providers. there are tests that can get to the bottom of this for you like a psycho-sexual evaluation. this type of testing evaluates a persons mental stability, mental disorder and their sexual preferences, sexual problem areas.

[Open Eyes]

Honestly, this is not a sign of anything bad really. These programs are very popular and have a lot of viewers otherwise they would not be running as a successful series for all these years.

Many people can relate to feeling powerless, even how children "are" powerless in not only an adult world but that of interacting with other children as well.

I think that the attraction is the overall "knowledge" that is taking place in these programs and the different solutions that are in each story line. Often a comfort can come from just the fact that a program is showing an "awareness" as well as the fact that there "are" people out there that have jobs that specialize in the kind of victims that are in these different story lines.

That "Law and order SVU" that has been on for years does cover a lot of different scenarios as well as understanding the "victims" in these different scenarios they present. It is clear that they do research of real events and they use some of the things from these different "real life cases" they come across.

It is just very "human" to be attracted to different scenarios that deal with some darker issues that take place in humanity.

OE

Thank for the input all. I appreciate all of the insight.

[Bluegrey]

It might be a bit similar to my predilection for certain books. I hadn't really thought about it till recently, but many of my favourite novels have a similar theme - a focal character, often young, going through some sort of rejection and then having a happy ending. My therapist said it made sense that I would try and find a pleasant resolution to difficult things if I had never had such a resolution in my own life. So it kind of fits with what Silent Tears 17 put.

At the moment I can't cope with a lot of things such as violence or disaster on TV - I either turn it off or tell myself out loud, over and over again, that it's fiction and they are just actors on a TV show. Just as well I rarely watch with anyone else, really.

Hope that is some use, anyway.


Bluegrey

I want to thank you guys for your input. I am going to make a concrete decision regarding discussing it with my therapist this weekend.

Appreciate your thoughts and opinions. It's hard to have a unbiased opinion when it is yourself.. LOL