Just pretending it's all ok.....but inside screaming

I don't know where to start to begin to explain how incredibly stressed I am right now. How much I need to scream, and am on the inside.

But on the outside I try to put on a façade of the calm, together, balanced person I think everyone expects me to be. People ask, a new friend sensed there was something up but I just say no no, I'm all good. Things are just fine. I am such a liar!

Things are not ok.

My symptoms are increasing, I startle so easily. I shouted at a classmate in front of the entire class because he did something childish that gave me such a fright. I am waking around 4am every day. I can't sleep before midnight.....often to worried to go to bed.

This time of the year, beginning of November and leading up to Christmas and NY is the hardest for me anyway...... I just didn't think about the added stress of university. Next week alone I have an exam, and essay due and a presentation to complete and present. I CANT THINK STRAIGHT!!! Let alone do all of that.

I know, I just have to.........but I genuinely feel like I may fall apart at any moment. And top that off with my mother & step father coming to stay for 3 weeks over xmas/NY.........AND realising that my therapist will be away for more than half of the next 3 months....................

I'm not ok...........

Hi Jane, sorry to hear you had a startle in class, well, that other student learned not to be childish around you. Don't beat yourself up because you reacted and startled. You have PTSD, it is bound to happen, but you are doing the right thing by living your life anyway. You had a bad day, it's good that you sat down and typed out your feelings here and sat with your feelings. It is always good when you take a time out and verbalize whatever is challenging or stressing you because holding it in and ignoring it just makes it worse.

Yes, the holiday season is stressful, I am actually surprised your T is going to be gone so long as most T's know that is the busiest time of year with their patients. Can your T set you up with another T just to help you get through the holidays? Just a T that can help with the PTSD symptoms, you don't have to get into your history etc.

Ok, with the up coming holiday you need to find ways to help yourself plan them so you are not so stressed. I remember you were very stressed last year too, but it worked out ok because your mother didn't just hang around and went out etc.

Take some time out and think about what you could do that will give you time to decompress during the holiday. Your son will be spending time with his father too and perhaps your mother can take him somewhere, didn't she take him to your sisters to play with his cousins? The holidays don't have to "be" something that is as much pressure, you can choose to just ease your way along too. Often what is best with slowly "changing" the stress is just sit with letting go more in the "now" instead of allowing whatever was a challenge at a different time that is "not in the now" happen.

Jane the journey of "healing" is learning how to let go of things we "had to" control or be perfect with or stress about somehow, and choose to settle down in the now and let go of having to meet up with something we created and stressed about in the past. It's ok that you are involved at the university and learning so you can move forward in your life, it's ok if you are not "perfect" about that experience too.

Jane, what you are working on "in the now" is to gradually learn how to just sit on a beach and enjoy it. It is the same thing with the holidays too, instead of being in the past which we can never relive, choose to let go and instead decide to allow the holiday to come and go and just do your best to see what you can do to just step back and be the spectator instead of being on the stage having to "provide" in your mind for others.
You have actually learned a lot in the past year where you have recognized how you have allowed others to impose on you with their opinions, if you were to help your son with a challenge like this how would you help him? That is what you have to also do with "self" too.

Also Jane, you actually have taken steps where you "do" have support too. You have been working with a T, and, you have come here to PC for support too. I know we are not with you in a physical way, but, we "are" real people also working through this PTSD challenge and also learning how to sit with our feelings and just talk them out with each other. While I know you have been struggling, you have also been learning too and finally verbalizing the things that have challenged you. You have slowly been learning to verbalize better, that you are not alone in the overall challenge and that you have been getting through it one day at a time too. Healing "through" PTSD is verbalizing and slowly realizing "then not now" more and more.

Do you know "why" my therapist has been so amazingly helpful to me? It's because he went through the process himself, he had to learn how to "be" and "accept" too. Because he has learned that, he is able to help me do the same. He has been helping "me" learn how to "help myself" and learn where I need to slow down, sit with my feelings, talk about them and learn my way past them so I can slowly just be in the "now" in a better way. I am "still" working on it and I still have days where I struggle, but at least I have gotten to a point where I understand that I get through them and make gains.

The holidays are hard for me too, I have very bad memories, however, that was in my past and I am working on doing my best to continue to just settle into the now and just let go of somehow needing to control.

Remember Jane, allow yourself to do one day at a time, it's ok to sit with your feelings, and continue to come here and talk out whatever you need to because that is good for you too. When you have a bad day, then you need to sit with whatever it is and talk about it, that is what is going to help you heal slowly.

(((Gentle Listening Caring Hugs)))
OE

Can you ask your teacher if you can do the presentation when the classroom is out at lunch or after class or something and if he/she asks why can you tell them you have ptsd? This will take the pressure off, for that one issue.

I am not really coping.......just functioning.

I had an exam today, and completely unlike me, I had done little to no preparation or study for it. And it was a *****! I think I may well have failed...........terribly. Which is also not like me.

My stress levels are so high that I feel completely exhausted and just want to cry. I got home from uni and sat on the sofa for a break......I woke up 4 hours later.......I feel sick as well as tired.

I have an essay to complete for Friday, and a presentation to write and present for Thursday, all part of my final grades.........I just don't feel capable of getting all this done.

How is it possible that I lose 4 hours like that? And I still feel exhausted, like I am coming down with something, but I'm not.

I simply hate the fuzzy brain feeling, not being able to think properly, having trouble with my memory......all at the most vital time of the year. I seem to have shut down and lost all of my intellect and higher functioning, and just be on survival mode.

And as you can see I am Ms Positivity also! I have my dark lens of negativity on, and it sucks!

((Jane)),

You are in a difficult part of your healing and therapy, that is going to bring up some challenging emotions and it's also exhausting. You have the holidays coming up which is stressing you and any added stress is going to tire you out the way you are discribing. Yes, often losing track of time is because you are more in your head than just focusing on the now and that is a lot of work and tiring.

Keep in mind that "healing" definitely needs to take place just like any other major injury. I know it is very inconvenient and it is every bit as tiring as would be physical therapy after a big injury. I had to keep reminding myself to not be hard on myself and I did my best to get rest when I needed it too.

I know about that foggyness too and the losing track of time. I think your brain is just trying to self protect when needed and it's important to respect that as you would any other injury. What has helped me is to remember that I did experience a stress breakdown and I had to do my best to not push myself and reduce stress where ever I could. Some days you will feel much better, that means you are gaining, but I learned I had to still go slowly and not try to push myself. Self care is very important with this challenge. That is why I decided to just take things one day at a time now if I can.

I can relate so much JaneC.

You could maybe give yourself a bit of credit for being able to actually keep functioning enough to even attend an exam! I'm certainly not that functional right now, I'm not even able to care for my children. But I understand you don't FEEL functional, even though you appear you are - I'm a victim of looking like I'm a competent individual when inside I'm screaming for someone to help me! So I get where you're coming from.

I'm sorry you feel so bad right now, I wish I could offer some comfort!

(((Jane)))

So sorry things are so difficult just now. I'm not really sure what to say. I know that when I overdo things physically (I have a long term illness) I tend to work myself deeper and deeper into a state where I tell myself I have to cope - but I've had to take several months off work because things were going downhill quite badly. I don't know if it would apply to PTSD but the specialist nurse told me I needed to give myself a break - so I have had to take some time off and rest myself.

If you have got to the point where you can see you are not coping, is there some way you can ease the load a bit? Would the university be able to give you an extension for some of the work? I don't know, it could make things harder if you have to catch up later though. But it might be worth a discussion with them, maybe.

Take care of yourself, and come and vent any time.


Bluegrey