[JaneC]

enough said...........

[MotownJohnny]

[Open Eyes]

((((Jane))))),

Yes, unfortunately that happens while slowly working through "complex PTSD". As an outsider who is also challenged and working through it myself and observing "you", I see someone who has been hurt a lot in her life, and does a lot of self blaming. There is not anything you have shared that I have read that "is" your fault though. I think that what you "could" do is review how you have been challenged, how you needed, and how you tend to talk to yourself about it. Some of the messages I have seen is "I am too whiney, I am too needy, I need to appologize when I ask for comfort, am I wrong if I am angry".

You shared a lot with your last trigger, things that have been held deep in your subconscious mind that have "hurt" you and go all the way back with you too. This history is very "hard" for anyone who grows up without permission to "feel good" about themselves.

When this comes out and more into focus, it's very, very hard and overwhelming and very hard to know where to grab onto and what to do next. I would have to say it is the climactic most challenging part in the healing process.

Individuals talk about being in a "fog" and "losing track of time" and struggling with simply functioning day to day in a way they can stay focused and involved in whatever they are doing. Well, the reason "why" this is taking place is that the individual's brain is
very busy with how the executive part is very distracted with finally looking at the contents of the subconscious mind, and finally sorting through whatever is interrupting the ability to "just" run normally.

The "only" way the brain can finally do a real search for the "viruses" that slow it down and interfere with how it is running, is "gradually". These various things have been presenting gradually to you Jane, and you are finally at the part where your brain is recognizing all these areas and how they all "hurt" you. Well, "yes", it can be pretty overwhelming at this stage. However, what needs to come next is finally addressing the "whys", and they are definitely "there" and none of them are "your fault" either.

What I have been doing myself Jane is looking at how it all took place and "why" different individuals were the way they were that ended up hurting me so much. I also began to slowly recognize how I had been "taught" to develop different "inadequacies" and "unknowings" that I had not really realized because of the "inadequacies" of others in my life. Well, this is a lot of work, not something others can understand either, it's lonely work too. And all those icons you put in this post is just how this part feels too.
It's very much seeing the bottom of the pit in one's self and it's all those icons.

However, ((Jane)), now you can begin the process of learning how to finally, and much deserved, slowly climb the healing ladder out of that pit. When this is taking place, a person will tend to "repeat" a theme, will say "I know intellectually not to believe it", however, "I struggle to believe it and understand how not to feel it".

I wish I could say the "fog" goes away in this process, but it doesn't, and that is because of how the brain is very busy "again" trying to process whatever "is" present so that finally that individual can function better and slowly "just" again, but in a much "healthier" way.

You asked me, "how do I mourn" remember? Well, I did tell you that you have been doing just that, and yes, it is often "exhausting" too. The brain stores experiences in different areas, it takes time for it to come together to where a person can finally verbalize whatever is there. As I mentioned, the repeating takes place "this all happened and hurt me and I believed some of it too". I am "angry" and "sad" and find myself having a hard time "believing" how wrong it was.

The other thing that takes place is how recognizing how "others" hurt you, comes a desire to not want to be around these people. This is a part of "why" you are stressing the approaching holiday too as it is "being around" someone that "hurt you". All that means is that you have not figured out how to respond in the now, with what you have recognized about whomever you will be exposed to. Yes, this is a "hard one" and I have experienced this myself.

What did help me is doing my best to set boundaries, and allowing myself to be "ok" with that, and having the support from my T or anyone else that was able to recognize my challenge and what it meant to me.

If you are at a point where individuals with their "toxic" behaviors that affected you deeply can be identified, you "can" begin learning how to work on slowly just "observing" and instead of reacting as you had, choose to realize this behavior is only saying how this other person is displaying their "own" needs that have nothing to do with you. This is definitey a "challenge" however it was something that did help me in my "healing" process. It helps because what it does is bring the "predictable" into focus and that in itself presents a calming. And that is how one slowly starts to gradually learn how to climb out of that "pit" they have learned about.

What often does happen though is that once that process takes place, afterwards the person will feel tired and sad and angry. That is because the person struggling still needs to slowly process the emotional challenge of whatever they are recognizing in the "observation" process. Well, that is part of the healing process of slowly climbing out of that pit. It "is" a lot of work, and something only others working through it can "validate" too. The most important thing to realize, is that you really "do" deserve to step back and be allowed to "heal" during this process.

Judith Herman wrote a book about this process too, called "Trauma and Recovery". She discribes the "stages" of healing with PTSD. Each person will go through these stages on their "own" timeline too, it all depends on what that person went through that "hurt" them. It's a very challenging process ((Jane)), however, you definitely "deserve" to have the help you need to finally "heal" and to know you actually do deserve it.

((Caring Supportive Gentle Hugs)))
OE

[Bluegrey]

Hugs.


Bluegrey