[puzzclar]

I don't want to give full details and remember the crap that happened. I hate reliving it, yet knowing that I'm 1.5 hours away from where it happened. It keeps me up at night. I got 5 hours of sleep last night and tonight I just want to sleep. I want support from friends but feel very vulnerable showing those things to them.

I don't want to remember, I'm afraid!! I know that I can calm myself from an attack, but what if I can't when the details start to go through my mind??? Do I give into the physical?

I have 17 hours before going through more detail, and I'm scared. Help!

Hi puzzclar: If I understood your Thread correctly it sounds as though you're having difficulty handling memories of something that happened in your past. You still don't live that far from where it occurred. And you're not confident you can handle the anxiety that the memories are causing. You are wondering if you should give in to the physical, which I take it to mean self-harm.

I don't know much about you. I don't know if you have a therapist. But it seems to me that this is the kind of thing people see therapists for. If something traumatic happened to you in the past & the memories of it are continuing to cause you anxiety today, my thought would be that talking this through with a skilled therapist would be the way to go.

Trauma of the type it sounds like you endured does not simply go away by itself. You need to take some kind of action, such as working through it in therapy, in order to finally put it to rest once and for all. Self-harm, if that's what you're contemplating, is not a beneficial way to proceed. Self-harm can become addictive in & of itself. You already have one difficult situation to resolve. Don't add another one on top of it.

[JaneC]

puzzclar...I am sorry that this si feeling so awful right now. I can empathise somewhat. I understand the fear of talking about detail.

From what I can read, you will be seeing your therapist soon and don't feel ready to talk details. It feels too overwhelming? If I'm on the right track, then would it be possible for you to tell your T this and ask to slow down a bit, especially now while you can find some balance?

Maybe ask for an easier session, support with feeling safe? Explain what how these thoughts are affecting you, and the impulses that are surfacing? Ask for support to not give in to them? I really hope you can. Maybe even show her/him your post above?

Wishing you feelings of safety and balance. Kind supportive to you. Take cae and let us know how you get on.

[Open Eyes]

Hi puzzclar, I am sorry you are struggling right now. What you are discribing sounds like you are having anticipation anxiety and thinking you have to talk about something you really don't want to recall. If this is about therapy and thinking you need to talk about all the details of a situation that happened to you that you really don't want to talk about, you don't have to recall these details or "try to remember" them either. Therapy is not about getting one's self all upset or feeling forced to where a person suddenly disassociates either. You can just focus on what you have been feeling and just talk about the overall topic instead "without graphics".

There is a stress of feeling "trapped" with PTSD, so you don't want to get into a mindset of feeling trapped into " having to" at all when it comes to therapy. The idea behind "therapy" is that "you" are talking about the things that you "need" to talk about so you have the therapist "on your side" as a witness that is there to help you grieve and learn.

Unfortunately, so many who struggle with PTSD seem to think they "dont deserve to feel, or should not be struggling" and if they talk about these feelings they will be "judged" somehow as a bad or weak person. The truth is that you are human, you have emotions, you deserve to "tell your story" and be given permission to acknowledge your feelings and regrets and even fears to where you can "heal and learn and grow" in spite of whatever it was that somehow "caused hurt".

((Caring Hugs))
OE

[puzzclar]

Now the wait..... t is frequently late... and anxiety is high. On the way over I did shake, while driving. .. not good. But I have to trust that if I can't control my anxiety that t can... and the door opens. Yikes

[puzzclar]

Still have some anxiety but not as bad. Did talk about having an attack and t was very amused. A little wanting to see an attack...... which is very weird. Now I'm in a long line waiting... t also said to use my psych training more. To really think about the cognitive distortions behind thoughts. And to listen to how I talk to myself.

[Open Eyes]

Originally Posted by puzzclar

Now the wait..... t is frequently late... and anxiety is high. On the way over I did shake, while driving. .. not good. But I have to trust that if I can't control my anxiety that t can... and the door opens. Yikes

I went through the same challenge, often all stressed out by the time I got to my T.

You got there, you did it and you are going to keep trying and as you do you will keep improving.

Self-awareness is an excellent skill to cultivate!

[Bluegrey]

I'm glad things seem to have gone ok, puzzclar, even though you were so shaky on the way there. I hope that you find your balance again quickly. Thank you for being so honest about how you feel.


Bluegrey

[puzzclar]

These details have triggered..... and flashbacks have been very strong. I realized that its been 6 years since my first hospitalization and things have been getting out of hand today. I'm worried and I worried a friend...