Don't know how to feel

This coming Saturday marks the 3rd year of my childhood friend's murder. Since her murder I keep finding myself every year feeling guilty, sad and troubled by loosing her. She was a victim of domestic violence and ultimately lost her life. I too was a victim of domestic violence and I survived. I feel guilty because I'm here and she is not, I'm sad because it was my friend that I've known since we were 4. I'm troubled because the cause of my PTSD is due to DV. I'm not sure how to deal with this nor how I'm suppose to feel during this time of the year much less any time of the year. When I think about her I relive my DV all over again. I miss her and wish I had known sooner about her DV then maybe I could've helped her. I'm angry cause NOBODY should ever have to go thru this. How is one suppose to deal with all of this???? How is one suppose to deal with all the emotions and negative thoughts???

Hi AliJ, I am sorry that you were a victim of DV and I am very sorry your friend was too and lost her life because of it. It can be such a challenge when a certain time of year or a date is coming that brings on the reminders and triggers that do present the questions you are asking.

Domestic Violence is something that takes place when the parents had been themselves neglected and abused in some way, and they never grew up or established boundaries. So, they turn into adults that often express a lot of anger and stress when it comes to boundaries and even respecting others. Children in these situations really do feel powerless and unsafe and confused. They really don't know what to do either, how could they, they are just children and don't have enough life skills to understand their unhealthy environment.

I am very sorry that your friend lost her life in her environment, but there is nothing you could have done at the time, always remember that you were young and you did not have the outcome at the time either. It is "ok" and "normal" to grieve that loss.

There are people who survive these bad situations and get therapy, learn about the reasons "why" these bad situations happen and then make their life about standing up for awareness and also helping others who struggled with this kind of challenge. That is how we are designed to be, it is why we have emotions that bother us profoundly, when that happens we do reach out for help, we choose to understand more, and we tend to want to sound an alarm that something wrong can happen like this and it is harmful. It's how we slowly learn to "thrive" and if we did not have this in or design we would not have survived so long as a species.

Being a "survivor" means that an individual has managed to survive in spite of something bad, and that person is haunted with grief because with that grief comes a desire "to gain knowledge" and often a deep desire and drive to find ways to talk about it. Much of what we know about "psychological" challenges is through trying to understand "why" certain people behave in bad ways, or struggle.

Over the years we have gained a lot of ground in understanding how human beings are different and may not do well in learning or doing tasks expected of them that is set up with the idea that everyone learns in the same way. We have learned more about how some people have learning disabilities that if understood better can be taught differently and can become functioning contributions to society in spite of how they may learn differently. We have learned about autism, adhd, dyslexia, bipolar disorder and other challenges that we just did not understand before and without that understanding, many of these individuals became angry and abusive adults that were really not qualified to have families and raise children.

Remembering and "feeling" emotions is not about being "unworthy", it is about being hurt and deserving to heal and learn and gain in spite of. There are so many writings throughout human history that is about being hurt and seeking knowledge and sharing that knowledge in an effort to help others.

((Hugs))
OE

January 27th would have been my youngest brother's 50th birthday. It was all I could do to get through the day. He died the day he was born and I am convinced my mother killed him, though I can't prove it. I know she tried to kill me on at least two occasions, which is part of the reason I think she killed him. I'm pretty sure he was not my father's son and therefore evidence of her indiscretions, and therefore had to be eliminated so no one would know (so she thought - lots of people knew she was cheating on my dad).

What you are feeling is what my T calls 'survivor guilt'. I, too, relive the times my mother tried to kill me when I think of him and wonder why he had to die and I survived. He had the right to live just as I do. The only reason I'm still alive is because I was pretty good at reading my mom's body language and instinctively knew when to run and hide. He was too small to do that and even though I know I was only 3 years old at the time, I still wish there was a way I could have saved him.

Over time, I have accepted that I could not control my mother (just as you could not control your friends abuser) and no longer feel so much guilt (though it still haunts me - especially on Jan. 27th). Since I was too small (just as you were unable to help your friend out of her situation) to save him, I spent many years trying to find his remains, which wasn't easy, because I didn't dare ask my mother about it and my dad wasn't sure what was done with his remains. Finally, I found out that he was cremated and his ashes were scattered on the grounds of a cemetery in Santa Monica, CA, I plan to have soil from there put in an urn with his name on it to be buried with me someday.

That is how I have found a way to live with it, though I will never get over it. Maybe you can find something proactive to do as I have that will help you at least live with it?

PM me if you'd like. It's weird, but sometimes the only thing worse than being a survivor is surviving. I don't know if that makes sense to you, but it does to me.

I'm sending loving thoughts your way....

WW