Survivor's Guilt

I saw the signs.

I went into denial.

No! my head screamed, no way! He'd been clean for eight years. He kicked his twenty year addictions. Heroin. Alcohol. Pills.

He was a fine, upstanding citizen. Turned his life around.

But I saw the signs.

I heard the clues.

My gut instinct roared the warning.

But denial is stronger than steel. Denial confirmed that there was no way he fell off the wagon. No way he was stealing. Not at thirty-eight. No way. Those days were long gone. History.

I was over-reacting. This was my "new" brother. The one who met me for coffee. Who came for dinner. Who was married with a three-year-old daughter and a three-month-old son.

He was not the brother in the gutter clasping a bottle wrapped in a brown paper bag.

Not the brother I visited in jail.

Not the brother who's life I saved from overdosing.

And as the anniversary of his death draws near, I can't help but think back to that lazy August day when he told me that our favorite brother had tested positive for HIV.

He didn't bleach his needles. Didn't realize the "virus" had infiltrated the junkie circuit.

Didn't realize or didn't care? I would never know.

He was my favorite brother.

He was going to die.

I wanted to die.

But instead I got to work right away. Had to make room in the denial box where all painful things were stored.

My "new" brother assured me he'd be there to hold the family together. He owed us that for all he'd put us through. Don't you worry. I'll be right there with him till the end.

But he never could be trusted and true to his word, he checked out. Eight months later, he was dead. Choked on his vomit from an overdose of heroin. Fell hard from the top of the fictitious pedestal I put him on.

I sat next to my favorite brother in the front row of the church. We sat quietly in denial that our brother was dead. We sat quietly in denial that I would soon be back in this very same row. We sat quietly in denial that he would not.

And now as I reach an age he never saw, neither one of them saw, my emotions are raw. My nerves are shattered.

Guilt trumps denial.

Survivor's Guilt.

The light will shine again!
I wish internal peace will come your way, beautiful sister.... and friend to many.

((((((((((((((((petunia)))))))))))))

(((((((((((((sending heart felt warm hugs to you and your family))))))))))))

love you, jinnyannxoxoxoxox

((( Nina )))

I do think I will find peace. Each time I write something, a little piece of hurt falls off. I sat down to type that I was feeling guilty for out living half my family...but I guess more needed to come out.

((( jinnyann )))

Heartfelt, warm hugs are welcome.

Thank you.

((((((((((((( Petunia ))))))))))))) you are truly gifted with the ability to write... always touches my heart and then the tears flow...

((( radio )))

I've missed seeing you around.

When I was 17 my sister died. She was 23. When I came to the age of 23 I felt guilt because I was still alive while she didn't saw pass that age.

Many years later I am still alive and I still feel guilt for being the one who has survived.

I haven't accepted her death and I probably never will accept it.

I understand. ((((((((((Petunia))))))))

((( time0 )))

I'm sorry to hear about your sister.

((((((((((((((((((petunia)))))))))))))))))

i too know of survivors guilt......you know that it isnt your fault and makes no sense to those looking from the outside, but you feel it just the same .

((((((((((Petunia)))))))))))))

If there's any way I can help, let me know. I'll listen.

(((( girls ))))

It's ok. Don't cry.

Big group hug.

Thanks joe,

makes no sense to those looking from the outside

Perfect explanation.

That's why I'm so grateful I can come here and talk with people who understand that I just can't "get over it."

((( Gus )))

Thanks bud.

I'm so sorry to read about your losses. It seems like the loss of siblings is something we don't hear too much about. Like it's some secret topic. Maybe because they are close to our age and we fear our own death? I dunno.

Anyhow your writing will open people's eyes. Take care. emmy

Special heartfelt hugs to the wise flower ((((((((((((((((( Petunia ))))))))))))))))

Petunia! your prose was so poinant! I had to keep reading it! I'm sorry for you losses. You articulated it so well! The feelings reached out through the screen!

Thanks Emily4040

It seems like the loss of siblings is something we don't hear too much about.

Yes. Not only does it touch too close to home for some, people just don't what to say.

((( Fuzzy )))

As always, your hugs are most welcome.

Thank you _mouse. My writing helps me heal. Helps me shed all the shame etc of growing up in an alcoholic/drug addicted home.

{{{{{ petunia }}}}}

((( Gemstone )))

Petunia,

What a powerful post!!!!!!!

Have you lost two brothers?

Was your one brother 38 when he died?

My brother was 38 when he died. It was very strange to move past his age for me too.

(((((((Petunia)))))))

I love how you said in your post that there is a denial box!! That is so true and powerful.

Hugs,

EJ

Petunia,

Another thought -- You can see the signs, but if you do not have the emotional energy or psychological know-how of how to deal with whatever issue, can you really blame yourself for "filing" it in your denial box. Maybe our denial boxes are really "hold" boxes, for us to come back to when we have stored up enough energy (psychological or physical) to deal with the problem.

Please forgive yourself.

If not for you -- for me?

Hugs,

EJ