[Rainydaiz]

*possible trigger*
I've been in therapy for about 5 years now. Anxiety/depression but most of the work has been around attachment with my t. In June I told her about a minor incident that happened with my doctor when I was little which left me feeling extremely shamed and disgusted with myself. (He put a stamp of a naked man on my hand and pointed out the names of the body parts but used a non medical term for the genitals). In September I had an emotional flashback triggered by my t saying the word the doctor had used. (I have posted about this before). From June to December I have really struggled emotionally, couldn't face socialising, was drinking far more than normal ( I rarely drink) and just a mess. Lots of night terrors too. Then I seemed to shut it down and have been stable since Christmas. I've been quite happy. During that time I suspected I might have been sexually abused; possibly by the doctor but have been worried it's about my dad as I can't bear to be near him and I freak if he touches me in any way. I have no memories of this. Since I shut down again at Christmas it feels like I'll never know what happened and I'll never have another flashback. Also I've not been as bothered by it and far fewer night terrors.
On wed I saw my t and I'd briefly mentioned the possibility of sexual abuse again as I'd had a few dreams about it whilst she was on holiday. Then we were talking about my attachment to her and I happened to say something about being upset that she wasn't my mum. She said, 'no' as if to say , you're right I'm not your mum. Then something weird happened which was similar to the flashback I had. I seemed to regress completely into my child part and it totally freaked me out. It was as if I WAS her, the little girl. I was saying some of the things I usually say in my night terrors- I don't like it, I want it to stop, I'm sorry, I don't want it...' I was desperate to get back to adult and not be her. I was able to cry out for my t to make it stop. My t was trying to ground me and asked me my name - I gave her my child name that we use, how old I was, I said 7 and she seemed surprised because I think she was trying to get me back so she said how old is the adult me and my little one said 41, then asking me sums but they were too hard for me. Eventually she managed to ground me again. It took ages. I was extremely scared when I was in it. She was being firm with me trying to ground me and I couldn't bear it, I kept saying 'please don't be cross with me' and I was terrified she was cross with me. She was saying she wasn't cross. Part of the scare when I was in the little me was that I felt out of control and the felt like I didn't want to be her and wanted to get back to adult but couldn't. It has left me quite shaken. However it was nowhere near as scary as my flashback in September. I told a colleague about it the day after and when I had told her my teeth wouldn't stop chattering. So this is what I'm curious to know- has anything similar happened to anyone here? Do you think it's another flashback or just a regression into little me? Could it happen again? What the hell is going on? Is it symptomatic of PTSD? Any light shed would be gratefully received. Many thanks.

[Open Eyes]

Hi Rainydz,

It is very possible you had a flashback. If I get one that is visual, I can't seem to talk.
I can have emotional flashbacks, and I feel the emotions and express them, crying or anger.

If you were seven, then whatever was challenging you was something you did not understand, nor how to talk about. Be patient with yourself, remember you did survive it. You may or may not figure it out, so you just need to remember to do your best to be in the now and be patient.

((Hugs))
OE

[Rainydaiz]

Originally Posted by Open Eyes

Hi Rainydz,

It is very possible you had a flashback. If I get one that is visual, I can't seem to talk.
I can have emotional flashbacks, and I feel the emotions and express them, crying or anger.

If you were seven, then whatever was challenging you was something you did not understand, nor how to talk about. Be patient with yourself, remember you did survive it. You may or may not figure it out, so you just need to remember to do your best to be in the now and be patient.

((Hugs))
OE

Thanks for this. I appreciate it.

[Bluegrey]

((Rainy))

I've not had an experience quite like that but there are some similarities to emotional flashbacks that I've had. I certainly recognise the fear and the not wanting people to be cross with me. My T said that there are lots of ways of looking at things, different models psychologists use, something I felt was helpful was that the little girl part of me was ready to process some of the memories and the adult part of me was able to help her. Once I found that kind of perspective, I found it rather less frightening. T was very careful to make sure I felt in control all the time during sessions.

Grounding is a good thing to practise, also self soothing techniques. Be gentle with yourself, and hopefully things will get themselves sorted out soon.


Bluegrey

[Rainydaiz]

Originally Posted by Bluegrey

((Rainy))

I've not had an experience quite like that but there are some similarities to emotional flashbacks that I've had. I certainly recognise the fear and the not wanting people to be cross with me. My T said that there are lots of ways of looking at things, different models psychologists use, something I felt was helpful was that the little girl part of me was ready to process some of the memories and the adult part of me was able to help her. Once I found that kind of perspective, I found it rather less frightening. T was very careful to make sure I felt in control all the time during sessions.

Grounding is a good thing to practise, also self soothing techniques. Be gentle with yourself, and hopefully things will get themselves sorted out soon.


Bluegrey

Thanks Bluegrey. It was similar to my flashback but not quite the same and less frightening than the flashback was. Thanks for that helpful perspective. I think in my case is possible that my little part is beginning to process some memories. I'm surprised though as she can't trust my adult, and rightly so at the minute, though I'm very much working on this. She trusts t though. She doing well to allow some things, however small to come up. I hope I can sort my adult part out enough to help her, like you say.
Thanks very much for replying and your helpful perspective. I do appreciate it.