Failing a class because of PTSD

Right now, today is Sunday 4/12. Tomorrow is my final exam in my Maternal nursing class and I need to score a 90%+ to pass the class. I have been getting low and so-so grades in this class from the beginning and it finally grew into a head. I have a 92% in my medical-surgical 1 class and my GPA is 3.6 (the last time I checked). I have low self-esteem but I know I know my nursing knowledge. My problem on why I am failing this class is completely based on my abuse.

During my abuse, my biggest fear was to become pregnant. The first time I was abused literately happened the day after getting the talk for the first time at 5 so I automatically equated sex always leading to pregnancy. My abuser was underage and in the beginning, wasn't old enough to produce sperm. When he started producing it, I was even more terrified. Thanks to my years being abused by him, the whole process of having sex, getting pregnant, carrying the baby, and delivering it is absolutely repulsive to me. And I did not know this until I started the class. I would be triggered each class so I started tuning the professor out which prevented me from gathering notes and being able to study effectively.

My classmates think that I am a inexperienced, sheltered virgin. My professor is also the nursing chairman of the program and she is very cold. I doubt she'll care. I have been studying hard but It is hard as I have to take many breaks to avoid crying, getting sick, or puking. I feel like the most pathetic nurse ever. I can handle blood and gore and everything else but I can't stand talking about making babies. Idk what I'll do if I have to sit in that class again.

i'm so sorry all of this happened to you. it should NEVER have happened.

could you talk to the professor? simply saying 'i have PTSD and some of this topic is really hard for me' will help her get the picture.

I feel that she might act like it is not her problem. I had a classmate whose son severely hurt his head so she had to leave class early. The professor marked her a absent and took away her points for the day and when this classmate failed her quiz the next week because she didn't study due to being worried about her son, the professor said she could have read the chapters in the waiting room in the hospital so it's still her fault. (the boy is okay btw) This person is just cold. Even if I do show her an official paper that said I am diagnosed with PTSD (which I just got one in the mail the other day), she will refuse to be easy on me.

Personally, I don't like to use my diagnosis as an excuse as the subject is upsetting to me. I used it as an excuse once at a job and my boss just looked at me with great pity which made me ashamed. I felt pathetic. I can only talk about this behind a computer were I don't feel all eyes on me. I don't like sympathy though I very much appreciate empathy (people who mostly or completely understand because they went through it). Idk, maybe the professor has childhood demons as well? If I fail, I might have to cave in and show here my papers.

i don't think you'd be using it as an excuse. it's a genuine illness and i don't think it would be good for you at all to be exposed to such triggers. PTSD isn't a weakness or a flaw, it's an illness.

It's a challenge to know what to do, I hear you. I am hoping this is not the nursing you are going to be doing but is only an area you need to cover. Some nurses can be very "cold" sadly. I have met some of them as a patient.

I empathize with you because I have avoidance that happens myself. People don't understand that it isn't a conscious choice, but instead it is subconscious and for myself, I shut down in a strange way. People/even family members have been dismissive and mean about it telling me I am being weak/silly/lazy and that always "hurts" me deeply and I tend to feel a lot of "guilt/shame".

So, it's possible this professor may be cold and I can't blame you for struggling with that and wishing you "could" have someone who is "understanding" listen to you and not punish you for it.

Is there anyone you can speak to aside from this professor? Is there a counselor you can talk to?

((Hugs))
OE

I passed but barely. I locked myself in the bathroom and vomited off and on which I haven't done in a while. I don't know how to be happy about this as I am afraid I might get another class that might trigger me. Thank you for your support.

WooooWhooo~ Congrats on the pass. Maybe next time~ your professor will notice a problem and help to make it a little easier.

Oh NurseCollie, so nice to hear you passed, but I totally understand how you were ill afterwards, I have struggled that way myself. You just have to keep realizing you "can" do it even though it is hard. You need to be very patient with yourself and forgive yourself if you struggle "after" you push through something. You definitely deserve a big pat on the back something the average person who doesn't get PTSD doesn't appreciate how much effort it really takes.

(((Big Congradulating Hugs))))
OE