[Silent_Tears_17]

I have been delaying my yearly check-up for over a year now. Im 19, so I dont have a PCP at all. I am fine with that except now I cant get a dietician (i just came out of an eating disorder hospitilization) and I cant get my eyes checked because I need a referral from a PCP. I am willing to accept those consequences because I dont want to go. But my family isnt going to let me and I live with them and they feed and house me, so i dont have a choice.
And of course they want to know why and i dont want to talk about it. Nothing even happened but the normal check-up stuff jut freaked me out as a kid. it makes me sick just thinking about it. But theyre going to think someone did something wrong. And when i was little i tried to tell my mom that the normal stuff made me uncomfrotable but she ridiculed me because i was complaining and my brother had gotten a shot and i hadnt.
I tried to explain other ptsd stuff recently and they said nothing that had happened was a sexual assaut and that I wasnt dissociating, I was just zoming out. ect, ect. Im not doing that again. But Im sick to my stomach about it all and I dont know what to do. ANd I dont need to be ridiculed for being a baby and not wanting to go to the doctors. SO i thought maybe someoone on here could help b/c I dont know what to do and Im scared.

[Open Eyes]

It's "ok" to talk about and acknowledge that in your past you had fears and these fears were unfortunately dismissed. Children have "normal" fears, one of which "is" going to the doctor. Now that you are older, you "can" actually learn that you can go to a doctor and be "ok" with it. You need to do it so you can learn that you will be ok and the more you learn you will be ok the less it will bother you.

Unfortunately, your parents are still not providing you with the encouragement that they should have provided to you in your past. So, what they are doing "unknowingly" is simply reinforcing "their inabilities" once again towards you when they "could" actually change that and instead provide to you what they should have provided to you before.
I am very sorry they are choosing to continue with their "dysfunctional" behavior patterns, unfortunately they are most likely not getting direction/education about their part/lack that has contributed to how you are challenged that they could actually "change" to help you.

Now you will need to recognize this with a better understanding, that yes, they are the ones that are "failing" as they have failed in the past as well. However, this time you are now old enough where you can learn to see "their lacks" differently and that what their behaviors are expressing is really about "their lacks" and not yours.

Your eating disorder is coming from your own need to find a sense of "control", however, when you began this path of "controling your body" you did not understand how you were actually "depriving" your body of important nutrition at the same time. Unfortunately, what those who struggle with eating disorders do not understand is that when they over control their intake of food and the body gets very confused, the body will try to survive by actually taking from the muscles for nutrition. This is what your learning about proper "nutrition" really means. You "can" learn to control your body, but in a healthier way instead. It takes time for the person who is struggling with an eating disorder to understand this however.

When a person "thinks" they are gaining control, they actually produce dopamine in their brain, that is the reward we get when we feel "in control". However, that doesn't mean that what a person is actually doing is actually "healthy" for them, they are just perceiving it as such. When the person has to finally be corrected, as you have with this certain challenge, they don't always quite get it right away, because after all, they seemed to feel good/ or satisfied with what they did it. Well, that is what all human beings want, they want to feel that personal satisfaction from having a sense of "control". What the addiction really is about is "the gain they feel when they do whatever the perceive as being in control".

Ok, now let's think about your parents and how they are "still" not giving you the support you need. They actually think "they are in control" by not giving you the support you need and deserve, but in reality, they are "not" in control and instead are depriving you. That is how "dumb" people can be and how their poor perceptions of "having control" can be damaging to others.

Well, you are not a child anymore, you are instead a lot more capable of "learning" how to better identify "what" kind of things people do that are actually "unhealthy" where they think they are 'doing right or are in control" but in reality they are "not" doing things in a "healthy" way. Well, guess what, YOU DON'T HAVE TO BE LIKE THEM, instead you can make a decision to embrace "how to do things better and to have CONTROL in healthy ways instead. You need to slowly learn that you "can" produce that feeling of "self satisfying dopamine" in ways that are actually GOOD instead of dysfunctional. You CAN LEARN, and get much stronger as a person, you can get so you are a much better and healthier person then your parents were/are.

When you get therapy/treatment, it is NEVER to take control away from you, all it is meant to do is show you how to gain "better control" instead. Knowledge is "power" and as you learn and grow as an individual you will slowly learn "how" to build up a gradual ability to "better control" and as you do so, will realize that you can gain "healthy" dopamine highs, rather then the only "thinking you are in control" when you are really not.