[ejayy78]

I was sexually abused by my dad when I was a kid for a long time. It started with him just touching me, and it got worse and worse as I got older. I was diagnosed with PTSD while I was still living with my parents (the abuse had since stopped when I got my diagnosis), but I was always living in fear of my dad, so not many of my symptoms manifested until I moved out. Since I've been out of my house, I feel like my PTSD has gotten way worse. I have nightmares most nights and I hardly sleep for fear that if I go back to bed, the nightmares will come back in full force. I don't really understand why my PTSD is worse now that I'm in a safe environment. My T says it's because now I have the "brain space" (something like that) to process what happened to me and I couldn't do that when I was still living with my dad because I was mostly just scared all the time. Does anyone have any insight on this? It's frustrating that I feel like I'm sliding backwards in my recovery because of how I feel and how I react after having nightmares/flashbacks. I feel more anxious now at times than I did living at home with my parents...

[kaliope]

hi ej
thank you for sharing this personal experience. i know it must be hard. what my understanding is that while in the home, you were living in survivor mode, the fight/flight/flee mode adrenaline response was constantly in motion, you were always on guard, hypervigilant. As your therapist stated, you were not processing what was going on. Now that you are in a safe place, you brain and body are not in this state of high arousal. so when those triggers happen, they bring you back to that heightened state of arousal and you are able to notice the difference. basically, at home, you were living at a 10. now you may be at a 5. memories and such jack you back up to that 10 so you are on a roller coaster until you are able to calm yourself back down to feel safe again. processing them thru trauma work will bring you the balance you seek.

[AmyCake]

i am also going through similar struggles as my abuser was a family member. hope that you will be able to find the support that you need. hugs... take care

[amandalouise]

it may ....seem.... like things are worse now that you are on your own rather than with your abusive parents but in mental health terms in my location this is actually considered great progress. if you were here in my location it would show that your emotions, memories are no longer being bottled up and stuffed down, when this happens it greatly reduces and in most cases prevents other mental and physical health problems..

for example now that you are no longer stuffing those emotions and feelings (meaning your brain is now processing what happened to you through nightmares and such) you are at a lower risk and in some cases no longer in the category of risks for things like dissociative disorders, anxiety disorders, ulcers, heart problems, migraines and other mental and physical health problems...

sounds to me like you are on the right track to healing..

my suggestion continue working with your treatment providers and you will soon be feeling better about yourself, your life and your problems will continue to decrease.