Looking for some insight

I don't know if I have PTSD, I have been referred back to a psychiatrist to evaluate but until then I've been unable to get on about my day without any answers.

There isn't really specific questions, just want to hear what people have to say.

I spent 9 years being treated by therapists and psychiatrists for psychosis and asides from the initial period of learning to cope with it after someone (online) told me it's an illness when I had been coping with it all my life after 18 years, I've never made any progress. No anti-depressant has ever affected me asides from side-effects.

I can remember back pretty far and I remember vivid skies and sprawling landscapes in the places I lived when I was young (farmland areas). But now when I go outside everything is.. kind of nothing. It's like there is a haze/grain covering my vision, nothing has any color but somehow I know what color everything is if I was asked, no one has faces but I know what they look like if asked. Nothing really has a form, like the edges of everything are formed of whispy smoke.

Recently, at 27 years of age, I was reflecting on an odd and surreal memory I had. It had a beginning, and an end, and no middle. I remembered a single moment from what the middle is. I remembered what I saw and what I felt in that one moment.

Suffering from hallucinations for over 15 years now, it never occurred to me that my mind hadn't made up the girl that I see when I hallucinate because it's not something you could actually see in the real world. But it's from that memory, that one moment I remembered is the one that I see and feel when I hallucinate - but maybe I'm just remembering. I've known for a long time that something bad happened that night but until now I never knew that it was directly related to what I see at night: A little girl, eyes wide with terror, I had just turned around and she was standing right behind me. And the overwhelming fear I felt.

I need to know what happened. That's what I want the psychiatrist to help me with. I just want to know.. if this is a delusion or if it was something that happened so I can try and move past regardless.

Hi ziiz

There are lots of good listeners here at Psych Central ....we're a pretty good bunch.

I have been an active member of this site for around 18 months. In that time I have received some really constructive feedback and connected with several others with similar challenges to myself. For those that feel alone, or simply wanting to reach out for a chat without judgement......this is the place. I have also found hanging out in the Games Forums is a welcome distraction... a great way to have some well needed fun, and meet like minded others.

Post Traumatic Stress symptoms vary from person to person, but there is a way forward. I lost 25 years through terror, grief and perpetually asking the question ‘Why Me?’ Blindly handing myself over to professionals and family members to ‘Fix’ me.
So many of us have done this, chased elusive answers to impossible questions. Finally conceding that there are no answers to why, has been the turning point to changing how I choose to live the remainder of my life. The simple fact is that mental illness bought on by trauma, genetics or environment is a lottery…..bad things happen to good people all the time.

For all those lost years I got so caught up in deciphering my feelings and fears, that I forgot to live my life. I believe that this had a great deal to do with my learning to compartmentalise, as opposed to ruminating and churning my grief and loss in my mind for years on end. Not an easy task ...at least it wasn't for me. A dreadfully steep learning curve, with many bumps along the way.

But I have now managed to put my trauma and grief into a pretty little box where it can't hurt me anymore. I know it's there, I know that it is a puzzle that I cant possibly solve and that I can open it anytime, but I resist the urge now as there are millions of other opportunities in life for me to explore. I no longer need my feelings validated or medicated, I no longer need to know why or allocate blame.....I choose life.

I hope that you will find your own key to moving forward soon , but until then be kind to yourself ziiz, and welcome to P.C

Trust the process...Anti depressants only, for psychosis? Well, I know the frustration your experiencing. The gifts from within is a good website in addition to this one about ptsd, journal daily and make sure it isn't only psychosis. Really 9 years I know goodness well you should have a competent psychiatrist/therapist doesn't seem like it would take that long to get an accurate diagnoses unless you are withholding all of your symptoms. Just a thought... Good Luck.

I can understand the desire to understand. I, too, have fragmented memories that disturb me. And the feeling that if only I could unlock that memory, it would heal me. I don't know the answer to that. But I do know that finding a good therapist that you 'click' with is more important that the label that they diagnose you with.

Hang in there and keep working on it. This is a good place to be. The folks here ARE very helpful, welcoming and open to listening and giving worthwhile feedback.

I wish you well on your journey.

That really never occurred to me. No one has ever said I don't have to fix it. I'm going to have to think about this..

Sorry it takes me so long to reply, I have been preoccupied with a game development competition I entered, of course I can't show what I made due to anonymity but did very very well, and got to watch one of the developers of the game engine play my game and praise it above any of the other ones. Been sitting to myself I could just do this instead of anything, or, everything else. It was a nice feeling but it is really a lot of work, who knows. But it makes me think even if I can't work, if I just do this because it's fun and.. I had no idea what I made was good, maybe I can use steam to get somewhere in my life finance-wise.

I think due to the fact I just got away from watching the result it was a perfect time to hear that, hah..

Thanks. I'm sure the feeling will pass and I'll be back here in no time to take back what I say.