[RavensPOE]

I am writing this post to see if there is anyone
else out there who suffers from similar
stress disorders like I so.

I was raped and molested from age 3-10 yrs
by a family physician. It was the first, real memory
that I had as a child...being in the examining room
with him. My mother was having an affair with him
behind my father's back. She did give me up for
adoption...and then came back a few months
later to get me.

I was the result of the affair. She did not want me.
She took me to the doctor's office all of the time.
He raped,me and laughed while he was doing it.

When I began to get older & realize what he was doing?
He moved away.
3 years later I began having Holocaust nightmares.
They have lasted for 30 years.
In many of them I am a teenager being raped
by the Third Reich, or watching them rape others.

Every time I try to be with someone in an
intimate relationship...the intimacy triggers the
flashbacks of being raped. When that happens--
the relationship is over for me.

I only had 1 relationship where this did not happen
at all. He was a Vietnam war vet, and suffered
from PTSD also. My therapist said we evened
each other out. I would have married my boyfriend--
but he dropped dead of a massive heart attack
3 months before we were supposed to get married.
I think the PTSD of Vietnam killed him.
He has been dead for 18 years.
I have not been on a date in a decade.

Does anyone else suffer from these intimacy
issues? I am almost 50. I am pretty much convinced
that G-d did not put me on this earth to have
intimate relationships with others. My PTSD is
pretty much like living in a war zone. I spend so
much time working on a relationship with someone,
and it all comes crashing down in the bedroom.
I don't know how to stop the flashbacks.

I have also wondered if this is why some nuns
choose to become nuns? Were they molested
as children, also?

[finding_my_way]

Originally Posted by RavensPOE

I am writing this post to see if there is anyone
else out there who suffers from similar
stress disorders like I so.

I was raped and molested from age 3-10 yrs
by a family physician. It was the first, real memory
that I had as a child...being in the examining room
with him. My mother was having an affair with him
behind my father's back. She did give me up for
adoption...and then came back a few months
later to get me.

I was the result of the affair. She did not want me.
She took me to the doctor's office all of the time.
He raped,me and laughed while he was doing it.

When I began to get older & realize what he was doing?
He moved away.
3 years later I began having Holocaust nightmares.
They have lasted for 30 years.
In many of them I am a teenager being raped
by the Third Reich, or watching them rape others.

Every time I try to be with someone in an
intimate relationship...the intimacy triggers the
flashbacks of being raped. When that happens--
the relationship is over for me.

I only had 1 relationship where this did not happen
at all. He was a Vietnam war vet, and suffered
from PTSD also. My therapist said we evened
each other out. I would have married my boyfriend--
but he dropped dead of a massive heart attack
3 months before we were supposed to get married.
I think the PTSD of Vietnam killed him.
He has been dead for 18 years.
I have not been on a date in a decade.

Does anyone else suffer from these intimacy
issues? I am almost 50. I am pretty much convinced
that G-d did not put me on this earth to have
intimate relationships with others. My PTSD is
pretty much like living in a war zone. I spend so
much time working on a relationship with someone,
and it all comes crashing down in the bedroom.
I don't know how to stop the flashbacks.

I have also wondered if this is why some nuns
choose to become nuns? Were they molested
as children, also?

i have not been able to be in a relationship either. my story is not the same as yours, but i did experience s*xual abuse on and off from about 5 to 10 or so in various ways, some from kids my own age and possibly up to two male adults. i do not remember a lot of it as i also had other trauma which all caused severe dissociation but have struggled with the effects my entire life.

i am in my early 30s and have not dated at all. the thought of being alone with a man terrifies me. i cannot even sit next to one casually without becoming tense and anxious, so the thought of being intimate is really terrifying and something i only ever was able to do years ago just a few times, but only when i had a few drinks which was not something i continued as it was not something i was ok with after the fact.

you definitely are not alone with that.

[RavensPOE]

Originally Posted by finding_my_way

i have not been able to be in a relationship either. my story is not the same as yours, but i did experience s*xual abuse on and off from about 5 to 10 or so in various ways, some from kids my own age and possibly up to two male adults. i do not remember a lot of it as i also had other trauma which all caused severe dissociation but have struggled with the effects my entire life.

i am in my early 30s and have not dated at all. the thought of being alone with a man terrifies me. i cannot even sit next to one casually without becoming tense and anxious, so the thought of being intimate is really terrifying and something i only ever was able to do years ago just a few times, but only when i had a few drinks which was not something i continued as it was not something i was ok with after the fact.

you definitely are not alone with that.

Every time I would go to therapy it never worked.
My therapists were always women.
All they ever wanted to do was tell me how men
think & act.

I am a Professor of Art & Design.
All of my faculty exhibitions are on my
Holocaust nightmares. I also blog about them.
A few years ago someone from the Jewish community
asked me if I had ever sought therapy from an
Orthodox Rabbi before....to see if he might be
able to get the nightmares to stop.
They sent me a few links.
I took the advice.
I came to realize that what had been missing
from all of my other therapy sessions was the
spiritual/ religious component.

Have you tried searching for a therapist who has
the same beliefs/ spirituality/ religion as you are?

I have been working with my Rabbi for about
a year and a half now. He is also a licensed therapist.
I think this has been very healthy for me,
because I am learning to trust someone
from the opposite sex.

He does not think I will be successful in any
relationship unless my partner is willing
to go to therapy with me ...to better understand
my PTSD.

I try to stay away from people in social
environments as much as possible. I do not
know all things that trigger my PTSD
& that frightens me. It will hit like a hot flash.

I would compare it to emotional,
uncontrollable cancer. I stopped dating a decade
ago...I just cannot deal with the guilt of putting
another through my PTSD flair ups.
Sooner or later they leave.
I understand why.
It is depressing being alone all of the time.
I cry a lot.
I keep telling myself that if G-d created me
to be involved in intimate relationships
that I would not be THIS way.

I hate it...

[nicoleflynn]

I would keep researching therapists until I found someone I "clicked" with.