[Newfie girl66]

I feel like a failure but I also feel like the PTSD isn't real or I really don't have i or my issues really aren't a big deal. For the most part I functioned, no one knew what happened on some of them and I managed myself during others. One crack and now everything is wrong? This is bs.

[Semi-depressed]

I doubt the depth of my issues sometimes too. I ask my self if what I went through was really that bad. The problem is that we are judging ourselves and our issues against other people. Our scars are our scars. It does not matter how they got there.

Do I feel like a failure (even though I am successful)?
Do I hate myself (even though my family loves me)?
Am I fearful of everyone (even though most people like me)?

These and many others are true. Was my past bad? Maybe not compared to yours or others. But it was bad enough for me to feel bad about myself and have emotional flashbacks.

I have forced myself to stay in therapy, meditate, and read a ton of books. I am going to improve and feel more joy and emotion. I hope you are going to join me for this adventure.

[Newfie girl66]

I I stopped therapy, I felt i was just making a big deal out of my stupid issues. What else am I supposed to say with out repeating myself? I just can't get motivated.

[Werewoman]

Originally Posted by Newfie girl66

I feel like a failure but I also feel like the PTSD isn't real or I really don't have i or my issues really aren't a big deal. For the most part I functioned, no one knew what happened on some of them and I managed myself during others. One crack and now everything is wrong? This is bs.

I think we all feel this way at one time or another, no matter how far along we are in our recovery. Also, what causes PTSD in one person may not in another, so there's no comparing what's 'a big deal' and what isn't. If it's a big deal to you, then it's a big deal.

I can do fine for days, weeks, or months, and then suddenly something is said that sends me into a tailspin. It's the nature of the beast, unfortunately. Therapy and meds are our best defense.

Yes, having PTSD is bs, simply because it's so dam frustrating.

WW

we all go through the motions: self-doubt, victim blaming, feeling like we shouldn't be feeling the things we do. it doesn't matter how devastating the trauma. it's a very common experience.

the best i can offer is a virtual hug and assurance that your experience is valid. and also bs, but only like werewoman said, because it's a pain in the *** and horrible to deal with. }:\

[WibblyWobbly]

Newfie, it could be that you are doing what I did and emotionally dissociating from your trauma. I numbed myself for over 10 years and now I am getting flooded with memories and feelings. For therapy to be effective you have to be connected to the emotions that you felt around the trauma. If you're just reporting what happened to you, sure, therapy will feel pointless.

If you think this is what is happening I encourage you to let a therapist know. Numbing, for me, had horrible consequences. I got to where I had no emotions, good or bad, just a horrible, gnawing emptiness punctuated by moments of rage. I became suicidal and was hospitalized multiple times.

If you feel like you processed all your trauma, great. If you know you didn't, don't let what happened to me happen to you. I lost all my good relationships because of it.

[Open Eyes]

Hi Newfie, what you have discribed is how a lot of PTSD sufferers feel at times. It's even normal to want to take a break from therapy too. Lack of motivation is a common complaint too. It helps to find something you can accomplish, even something small, you learn that while it's hard to get motivated once you push past that and do something, it feels better. Depression is part of PTSD, that is the lack of motivation.

((Hugs))

[quietincrowd]

Originally Posted by WibblyWobbly

Newfie, it could be that you are doing what I did and emotionally dissociating from your trauma. I numbed myself for over 10 years and now I am getting flooded with memories and feelings. For therapy to be effective you have to be connected to the emotions that you felt around the trauma. If you're just reporting what happened to you, sure, therapy will feel pointless.

If you think this is what is happening I encourage you to let a therapist know. Numbing, for me, had horrible consequences. I got to where I had no emotions, good or bad, just a horrible, gnawing emptiness punctuated by moments of rage. I became suicidal and was hospitalized multiple times.

If you feel like you processed all your trauma, great. If you know you didn't, don't let what happened to me happen to you. I lost all my good relationships because of it.

Thanks all for sharing. I have recently been diagnosed, having learned to disassociate from the events then this year it all fell apart. I have experienced many of what you all have shared and it is so helpful to know I am not alone but makes me sad you have all dealt with it too! I have aksed my T if the numbing and disassociation made me fall apart worse and she side steps the answer but I suspect it has. It is hell because everything is fine and then it all crumbles when you least expect it and sometime I don't know the trigger. I go through that same cycle, it wasnt that bad.... that never helps me.

[ChipperMonkey]

I think most of us hold it together for a long time before we crack. Supposedly delayed onset PTSD is more common than getting PTSD right after the incident. I didn't crack for 25 years. I have heard of others who have held it together for a lot longer. Yeah, it does suck. But, therapy isn't about just talking about it. Just talking isn't going to heal you. Its all about processing what happened to you, dealing with the feelings, and finally being able to put it in the past where it belongs.

[BlueEyedMama]

I've been in the numbing stage, the this is BS stage, the just get over it already stage and now I am in the feeling stage in therapy. It is bittersweet because it absolutely sucks to feel the trauma it is slowly helping and I can see a day in the future when I can truly be over all of this. I've gotta believe that the work I am doing right now will pay off. I am sorry that you are feeling the way you are and having been there wish you only the best.

[(JD)]

PTSD isn't for sissies.

When PTSD is caused by childhood trauma, the coping mechanisms the child engages work well...sometimes too well... until one begins to mature and then they (the old coping mechanisms) begin to break down and not work with the more "rational" adult mind. This could be why it feels like everything is falling apart... the barriers begin to fall down... and what the child lived through becomes revealed... a very tough process.

[Newfie girl66]

That's what I did, I emotionally detached from my traumas. It was quite a bite longer I must say untill it was triggered and I fell apart.

[Newfie girl66]

It has a devastating grip that I cannot get out of.

[Newfie girl66]

That could be me. Some of the trauma I had NEVER spoken to anyone about for over 35 years+.

[Open Eyes]

Newfie, that is something most people do, they don't talk about these challenges. There has been this long standing saying, "don't air your dirty laundry" that discouraged people from talking, even asking for help. Also there is another saying, "don't give others a stick to beat you with", which is a warning about trusting others and being careful.

Toxic people get very good at fooling others into thinking they are worthy of respect. They often threaten their victims with no one will believe you and tell their victim it's their fault. Children and young adults are trusting, and when something bad happens to them they tend to self blame. So it's actually normal to make an effort to emotionally detach from traumas that involve being hurt by others. Society encourages us to "ignore", "just ignore that individual who is bothering you". Well, bad things don't just go away because one chooses to ignore. When a person struggles with PTSD, that is when they realize that the most. That is where the core of the anger comes from with PTSD.

A good example of that is how all the women that were victims of Bill Cosby never forgot. So far about 50 women have come forward. Sixty minutes just had an interview where 27 of these women bravely joined together to talk out in the open. Some of these women told their agents and the response they got was "don't say anything, no one will believe you". If one watches the interview it is very clear that none of these women ever really ignored it, or were all that successful at detaching from it. Bill Cosby is a prime example of how good a person/abuser can fool others/society into thinking they are "worthy of respect". He told every one of his victims that no one would believe them and he encouraged every one of them to feel "worthless". He was right about how if they told no one would believe them. There are still people who insist on not believing even though there are now 50 women that have come forward.

I have highlighted this because it is not your's or anyone's fault when they are hurt and they don't really forget or are successful at ignoring.

[Newfie girl66]

Wish I had your motivation