[convalescence]

TW: Suicide
TW: Hospitalization
*Some parts of my story might be triggering*


I was admitted to a local hospital for nicotine poisoning and was hooked up to a bag of saline. The nurse came in and said "Okay, honey, this is some Ativan to calm you down." I rejected it saying that it could make suicidal thoughts worse. She then told the NP that was working. The NP came in and asked me if I was having suicidal thoughts, I replied "Not right now, but I have in the past." She said "Oh, okay, we're going to have a (local mental health group) come in and talk to you." I thought to myself "Okay, this should be fine. I'm just going to get the drugs and go home." So the service came in and screened me for mental illness. They asked me "If you were going to kill yourself, how would you do it?" I said "With alcohol and downers." She then asked if she thought I was okay to go home. I said "Yes." I thought that was that. Done. I was wrong though. She came back in and said that she and the doctor both agreed that I needed to be sent to a psychiatric hospital that night. I panicked. I said, "Okay, but I don't think I need to go." She said "You're either going to be voluntary or involuntary. You don't have a choice." I was so frustrated, but didn't lose hope, as I was expecting to be admitted to the hospital that I am used to going to.

I spent the night in the hospital. Doped up on Ativan, hadn't taken my antidepressant for four days, or any medication for four days. I woke up and was told that I was being admitted to a hospital in a city that's two hours away. I had another panic attack. I tried to drown myself in the bathroom sink. I kept crying. I was pissed and stressed. Before I was sent I told my mom that I didn't know her, changed my identity, and told her that she was a weird person. She began to cry. I just laughed. I seriously thought I didn't know her. Weird, right?

So I get to the hospital... A woman tells me that I'm going to hate it there. I didn't believe her. I was taken back to my room. I vomited. I could not stop vomiting. It was a miserable experience.

So I reject going to breakfast, lunch, and dinner. Why? Because I have severe social anxiety and a fear of inescapable situations, and going to the cafeteria involved both of those things.

I somehow managed to make myself go to lunch the next day.
I ask a mental health aide if she would take me back to the unit because I was feeling nauseous.
She stood up and said "Are you serious?! This is ********!"
I was shocked.
This is a hospital setting. Shouldn't they be... Understanding?
I was so angry.
I got taken back by another mental health aide who apologized for her and told me to let nobody steal my joy.
That was comforting and good advice.
The hospital still did not give me my medicine. I got so upset and anxious. I was not eating and vomiting. I told the nurse, but she didn't believe me. I picked up the phone and dialed 911 and asked to speak to a medic. The nurse asked "Who are you talking to?" and I replied "The police." She took the phone away from my hands and said to the medic "Sorry, this is a psychiatric hospital." I was angry, but exhausted. She then spoke down to me. She said that I wasn't eating because of my social anxiety and that it was [my] fault. My social anxiety preventing me from eating was somehow MY FAULT. She said that I brought this on myself. A NURSE TOLD ME THIS. A NURSE.

I was then given my medicine, and then put on four more. I was on many medications. Librax, Protonix, Seroquel, Geodon, Topamax, Effexor, Remeron, Wellbutrin, Phenergan, and Vistaril. I felt like a guinea pig. I felt okay though. I needed it to get through [this] situation.

So a few peaceful days fly by, but my anxiety is still very high.

Now a new girl is on my unit. She was ornery. She made a mess in a drawer and then got into a verbal argument with another patient.

It didn't bother me much.

But the next day they started screaming at each other and became combative. I was so scared. I locked myself in my room. I had to listen to a girl scream for ten minutes straight while they restrained her to give her a shot to calm her down. I didn't think this happened in 2015. She wasn't the one who started the argument though.

My roommate, who just so happened to suffer from schizophrenia, was told by the social worker, in her exact words, "You're probably going to end up living here, and that doesn't bother me. You better start going to groups." He has schizophrenia. Social interaction made him feel [uncomfortable]. It was sad. I almost got up and defended him, but I was getting out that day.

Before I was discharged they weighed me. I came in weighing 135. I left weighing 118. I lost 17 pounds in 11 days. But hey, I made it for myself, right? The nurse is [always] right.

I was released three days ago and I'm still in a state of high irritability, anger, and anxiety. I can't get those girls screams out of my head. I can't let go of this situation. It's scaring me. Not many people are showing me much empathy for what I went through. Sure, people have been through a lot worse, but hey... It was terrifying.

Is it possible that I am experiencing some form of PTSD from this experience?

Sorry for the long & disorganized text, but I just [had] to get it out there... Thank you for reading.

[Skeezyks]

Hello convalescence: I'm sorry to read of this terrible experience. Having spent time on a couple of psychiatric wards myself, it does not necessarily surprise me. I'm certainly not in a position to judge as to whether or not you are experiencing PTSD as a result of this experience. But it certainly makes sense to me that it is going to take some time to get over this. I hope that you have some way of talking through this, either informally or via therapy. It will be important to do so, I would think, so that you don't continue to turn it over-&-over in your mind. My best wishes to you.

[Angelique67]

Hi, I'm glad you made it through that hospital experience. It doesn't sound fun. I think you'll get over it before too long. I also was very freaked out the first time I was on a psych ward. It seemed very surreal to me. Both times I was on seem surreal, actually, but at least the second time was my (desperate) choice. If I may ask, how did you get nicotine poisoning?

Eta: I don't mean to minimize what you went through when I say I think you'll get over it. My experience was very frightening and really shook me up but I was OK after a couple of months, as far as that goes anyway. I wish you good luck.

[WibblyWobbly]

Every hospital I've been to had a patient advocate. You should see if your hospital has one. It might make you feel better to tell your story and hope that something changes for future patients.