[jessyJ]

When I was in middle school, I was bullied by many students. They not only laughed at me, but bullied me physically. One time, some guys circled me and started pushing me and laughing. I'm a girl BTW but that didn't stop them from doing that. This isn't everything that happened, but a small part of it. However, there was only one student who lead them. He threw rocks at me, called me names, pushed me around, and made me feel threatened so many times. He laughed while doing it all.

The sad thing is that I felt so angry bc I was scared of him to the point I locked myself inside the house, and to my parents grief, I refused to go to school even though they tried hard.

Since I was very mad at him, I sent him mean MSG's on FB just to make myself feel better. But even afterwards, he called me names, and made me feel ridiculous. To be honest, I didn't feel good afterwards, I even felt worst. I heard the terms 'get over it', 'it's in the past' so many times by so many people, and he even said it to me more than once.

After few years, I saw him again, and I started running away. My mom called my name so many times, but I only heard her calls later on. I was full on in panic mode; trembling, sweating, and had trouble breathing. Usually, I can't focus whenever he's around (I know I saw him other times but I always get into this haze when he's around), but that time I was stressed out since my grandpa recently died, and it was like a volcano waiting to erupt. I felt like I couldn't stand up anymore, and so weak. He didn't even leave, even after seeing me like that. I can't understand him, and I feel like he will always laugh at how crazy I am. Do you ever wonder how that person feel about you? Why they did that to you? Have you ever started blaming yourself for what happened?

Now, I feel so bad for myself after everything that happened. My trauma might seem very trivial to others who have been raped, but my trauma is still bad. There are some days that I wake up sweating and can't shake off the things they did to me. I feel so empty and sad, like maybe if I did something else, I wouldn't have been laughed at. I feel like I have to watch everyone incase someone started laughing at me. Just incase someone would hit me and I wouldn't see them coming. How should I shake this feeling off?

[nicoleflynn]

Therapy could help.

[bddouglas]

jessyJ, I don't have any suggestions or answers for you. My heart goes out to you. Middle school has to be the worst, I was bullied through out school because I was a bookworm or nerd. I never experienced anything like you describe. It was usually only one or two boys.

I was sexually and emotionally abused by an uncle for 9 yrs. Through counseling and personal growth, I am ready confront my abuser face to face. I feel like I am in the position now to tell him how he made me feel and demand to know why and I want an apology.

Each of us learn to deal with our trauma on an individual basis. If you ever need someone to just talk to, I am here as we all are.

Nothing trivial about any of that at all, jesseJ ...

Sorry you had to go through all that and that it is
still having such an impact on you now! ... To be honest,
if I were to run into one of my abusers today, I most
likely wouldn't handle it any better, and I've been away
from those cretins for over 20 years now!

That's trauma for you! ... It's like a gift that keeps on
giving, and not in a good way! ... And, the worst thing
of all about it is that we never asked for any of it in the
first place!

It does get better, but it takes a lot of work on our part,
therefore, I'm hoping you can find a counselor that can
help you work through it so you can begin to cut yourself
some slack and start enjoying some of what life has to
offer again.

Sincerely,
Pfrog!

[TryingToMoveForward]

I am in agreement with others above, this is something you need to tackle with a therapist. It isn't trivial, nor should it be treated as such.

Some people who bullied....they really lack the capacity to empathize. It sounds like this guy lacks that ability. I've spoken to other people who bullied kids back in school and they felt really bad about their behavior, which is a normal and healthy reaction once you mature. So either he didn't mature, or he lacks empathy. Or both. And I need to tell you, that you might never get an apology or any remorse from him. The important thing is to work through what he did and recover from the trauma.

I was molested when I was a small child. And sexually abused by my first bf at age 16. Plus was abused as a child. I no longer feel anger toward the child molester or my ex. When I use to see my ex at the mall, I would literally almost collapse on the spot and faint. Luckily I could duck into stores to avoid him, but a few times I barely made it to the bench because I couldn't walk anymore. So I definitely get where you're coming from.

I just want you to know, that you might never get that apology or empathy, so you might have to make peace without either one. You were probably just an easy, available target and there wasn't any other motivation. But that's mere speculation on my part. I couldn't tell you for sure.

Just know that you are not alone.

[Out There]

I also agree with the other posters here - this is not trivial at all and Therapy could help you with these feelings. You are not alone , people here on the forum are very supportive .