[TryingToMoveForward]

I saw my new therapist this past week. And I mentioned I have dissociative features. He asked a series of questions, most of which I said yes to. I haven't been aware that I've been dissociating, and looking back I've been doing it my entire life. Even today, people come up to me and talk to me as if they know me and I have no idea who they are. I don't recognize them at all. This mainly happens with customers. And I'm too embarrassed to say I don't recognize them at all. Or recall prior conversations. When I go to get a box of shoes, I come out and can't remember who the customer was or looks like. Or I'll speak to the customer move on, then speak to them again without realizing I already spoke to them. I'm pretty sure this isn't normal.

Because I have a mildly impaired memory, I thought that was it. But there are chunks of my life that I simply can't recall. I mean, a few memories, but trying to remember gives me a headache. Its like they're blocked and I can't access them. I don't remember significant events, not necessarily bad ones, but things like my 16th birthday, or my 18th and 21st birthdays. I have no memory whatsoever. But the biggest period I can't recall is the past 5 years.

Half the time I don't know who I am. Well, I know my name, when I was born. But my identity, I don't really know...or have one. Sometimes I feel like a guy, dress like a guy and look in the mirror and don't recognize myself. When I dress like a girl right after I don't recognize myself, or else I do. And I'm just really confused about who I am. Why I wake up feeling like I'm a guy, then look in the mirror and I'm like "What? Oh yeah this is me." I don't really think I have an alternate personality. No one had ever told me this. Though sometimes I feel like there is two versions of me. One who is very reserved, sophisticated, intellectual, feminine and proper. The another that's boyish, confident, lower intellect...literally a different way of talking...who is flirtatious and outgoing and sarcastic. And I never know which me I will be, and it shifts throughout the day. Its really difficult to explain. When I start talking in my more loose form, I just feel like...wow...this isn't who I really am, why am I talking this way?

I don't understand. Maybe some of you can help me to. Does/has anyone else had these experiences?

[Disorder7]

I also have huge chunks of my life that I can't remember. And I have a big problem with short term memory now.

I experience a lot of derealization where I slip into a dreamlike state. I used to slap myself trying to "wake up", but now I just go with it. Now I just go with it.

[DesigningWoman]

I completely understand. Ex. I feel like I wake up standing in the public library. I can't really recall how I got there and try and think why I came and where my car is.
Something my therapist is having me do to help with the floating off, type disassociation is simple grounding that doesn't require memory. I inventory what I am wearing, starting with my top. I focus on "ok I right now I am wearing a short sleeve dark green shirt, dark wash blue jeans, no jewelry, and brown sneakers." It is quick and easily verifiable. I go through my inventory thinking carefully just about right now only about my clothes in this moment. It sounds silly. But It really does help me. I find myself freaking out a lot less. Because i have this grounding routine down now. Who cares if people wonder why i am staring at my sneakers. I know where I am!