Why on earth would I want to go back to such a traumatic time in my life?

As a teenager, I lived in Ireland for 2 years. They were 2 of the worst years of my life. It was such a traumatic time, I didn't even make any friends. Going to school was so horrible and in the end I had to leave school because I couldn't cope and broke down. When we moved back to England, I was so relieved. But for the first year and a half, for some reason (I don't know why) I kept really wanting to move back to Ireland, and i deluded myself into thinking I did have friends there. When we went back to Ireland for a holiday, I even visited the school, of course no-one spoke to me, probably thought what on earth was I doing there. I eventually snapped out of it, and now looking back I think I must have been mad, because I know how much I hated it there, why would I have wanted to go back??? Also, I have a friend with a similar experience. One night, a guy forced himself on top of her when she was still a virgin. It was really traumatic for her, but for some reason she kept wanting to go back to that situation.

So sorry for the abuse you and your friend suffered. It is often the victim that keeps thinking about the abusive situation. They cannot move on while the wound has not heal. When they finally can heal the wound, that situation will likely fade away.

Its sometimes referred to as trauma re-creation. We do it subconsciously because we want to get another chance to make things right, we want another chance to show that we've "conquered" the trauma, we want a chance for a new and better outcome. It is a way of coping.

I was like this. For me I think it was a form of self harm, self hate.
Non existent self esteem, I deserved to be treated badly.
Poverty of spirit seeking a suitably punishing environment.

I have worked hard over many years and my self esteem is ok now. The desire to seek out punishment has deminished.

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I'm curious about this. If we stop obsessing does that mean we have accepted that what happened happened? Does it mean we have then integrated it into our life experience and it no longer has more weight than other memories?

i agree with chippermonkey and dechanDawa, maybe it is a longing to see if it goes away too.

Hmm you could be right. I don't fully understand why I went through the phase, so perhaps you're right when you say it's a sub-conscious thing. The mind is such a weird thing!

I don't think it's that. Like I was kind of deluded in thinking that I liked it.