My mother recently passed away, she was sick for a very long time and while she was in the hospital I spent a lot of time visiting which was very hard on me, I stopped taking care of myself to be there to take care of my mother, missing time from school, barely eating, barely cleaning myself up , not sleeping, always rushing and stressing myself out. Having spent a lot of time around my sick mother and other sick patients took a toll on my mood. Before she had passed I thought that she was going to get to come home but she took an unexpected turn for the worst and was rushed to the ICU where she was having seizures and had to be put on life support and was put into an induced coma to stop the recurrent seizures. While she was in the ICU I was there in her room, hoping that she'd wake up but ever since she passed I continuously have flashbacks to what I saw as the condition that she was in, I have nightmares and I still have the mental image in my head of her eyes rolling around in the back of her head, her eyes being open even though she was not awake, the convulsions, the reality that she was no longer in there, or maybe she was. she had previously to the seizure episodes had a heart attack, she was pronounced brain dead and we had to make the decision to pull the plug. Some of it still doesn't seem real, in fact life doesn't seem real and I feel very disconnected from the world around me. I go through everyday life feeling more and more depressed as days go by, I feel like I'm stuck. I can't pass the hospital that she passed in without having flashbacks, half of the time I can't even look, the place gives me a feeling of panic, I can't even go for appointments that I have and if I was dying I probably would refuse the ER. I feel like the doctors did not do enough to save my mother as a few days before her turn for the worst she had had fallen and hit her head , that right there should have told the hospital staff that she should be on monitors and that someone should have been keeping a close eye on her but nobody was watching her and the day that she took that turn I was late travelling into the hospital that morning, but what I heard was that she was eating her breakfast and aspirated some of the food into her lungs and crashed, this was during nurses shift change so nobody knows how long she was down and how long the nurses weren’t around so now I have trust issues with doctors and nurses as well. My dad wondering why she had never called, called the hospital. They told him over the phone what was happening which I think was very wrong on their part as it was something they should have discussed with us and family when we arrived, nobody should have to hear over the phone that their loved one is dying. I remember the day(s) quite clearly yet I have a lot of blank spots in my memory. The funeral was the most difficult thing to deal with and I can barely remember the faces that approached me and the people that I talked to, all I remember was the church music and the lowering of my Moms urn into the ground. All of this has taken a huge toll on me mentally, I can’t seem to concentrate or focus at all lately, I’ve been forgetting things, losing things and I’ve been having a lot of confusion. I've barely been sleeping yet I'm tired all of the time (Writing this at 6am) , I’ve been the most depressed I’ve ever felt in years, I’ve had multiple hip surgeries and I think that was when my depression started for me as I don’t recall feeling depressed prior to my first procedure. Since my moms passing I’ve been hospitalized for being suicidal, I’m on medication now which has only made me feel worse. I’m hoping to soon see my doctor to get my medications adjusted but until then I would like some thoughts and advice on my situation , thanks.

That is an awful lot to go through and seeing someone actually die can be quite traumatizing ... For it to be a close family member or loved one, even moreso ... And on top of the trauma, there is also the grieving.

Medications are only going to be helpful up to a point though, so it really is important for you to find someone that specializes in trauma and/or grieving to talk to and help you process all the feelings and emotions whirling around inside you.

Be extra patient, gentle & kind with yourself during this process ... No matter how long it takes!

[sub-dural]

My heart breaks for you.
I work in a hospital and see many grieving people.. And it's almost palpable - it's either the "thousand-yard stare" or complete crying, wailing distress. My heart hurts. I can only imagine the amount of healing required to get back to the person they were 1 minute before they received that phone call. That ring that changes your life forever.

Be patient with yourself and continue seeking care. It takes a lot of strength (which sometimes takes a long time to conjure) to begin healing. I wouldn't try and spend too much time on whether or not it is a post traumatic disorder. You said she died recently.. It seems too soon to add more worry to yourself over your reactions because what you went through was acutely traumatic, truly nightmarish and panic-inducing.

Hospitals are a scary place and there are good hospitals and bad hospitals, unfortunately. So your avoidance of that hospital is 100% rational in my opinion. They didn't seem to take great care of your mother, why would you want to go there? But remember.. there are good hospitals out there.

[RachelLyn915]

I can relate to you, but my mind is reacting the opposite way that yours is. I watched my dad and fiance battle cancer at the same time for 4 years, then I watched them waste away over a two week period; one in March and the other in July of 2014.

I feel like I am dying all of the time. I have anxiety, physical depression, panic attacks and agoraphobia. My psychiatrist calls it PTSD as well. I don't know how to make all of the symptoms stop. I am just so afraid to go through what they went through, I can't seem to keep myself out of the doctors office or hospital. I feel like I can't trust their diagnosis.

Good luck at recovering from your loss. I am trying with everything that I have everyday to get better. I hope you can too.