Flashbacks

I don't wish to upset anyone here, but I just have been having a hard time with flashbacks of . I recently had to end treatments with my therapist of 3.5 years due to ethical boundaries being crossed ( he treated me as a friend and I reciprocated. We had a dual platonic relationship that fostered dependency. Another psychologist told me to end with him).

Anyway, today makes the second official week of little to no contact and it has been traumatizing for me. I also suffer from BPD, so during the course of our relationship he became a surrogate parent to me. Since the separation, I have had flashbacks of my old childhood homes and places of comfort to me which were also very abusive and scary .

Sometimes my therapists were a source of abuse to me as a child, so the connection is very real. My inner child Keyo is longing inside to be with her "therapy papa" but cannot understand the boundaries surrounding their relationship since she knows he loves her very much. Adult or Parent Kiyo tries to soothe her, but nothing seems to work.

Lately, I have been having mild to moderate dissociation episodes where I cannot recall closing a window, turning on the stove, or locking a door. It is very prevalent on Mondays and Thursdays (when me and psych used to meet).

I am hoping to just vent here and maybe connect with someone who knows what I am going through. This thread could easily go into the "grief and loss" and "BPD" forum too, but since my new psych and old psych told me that these symptoms can also be PTSD related, I will post it here.

Ugh.. I'm sorry. That all sounds so very confusing. The hurt is still so recent and raw.

Do you trust the psychologist who told you to stop seeing the former therapist?

Yes, I trust the psychologist who told me to leave. She had contact with him by phone before I left and said his tone of voice (panicking and screaming at her about me leaving) was very disturbing. Our connection had definitely crossed lines as he had been equally attached to me. (He now has cut all contact with me despite telling me it was okay to keep contact with him and he ignores my calls and emails altogether).

It sounds like you were calling and emailing him if you know he has cut all contact. Try to really let him go, it's understandable that you may try to get closure, but it doesn't sound like you can get it from him, hopefully this new therapist/psychologist can help you finally get that in a much healthier way.

Thank you so much! I appreciate your words. Yes, I have decided to just let him go. Another loss, but my life has been full of losses with no closure. Just adding another one to the list.