Being touched/hugged

Hello All,

Recently, an acquaintance saw me while I had been out shopping. We exchanged a few words, as we were saying goodbyes, she leaned in to embrace and hug. I froze, stiff as a board! Awkward, embarrassed really. I felt unsafe, panicked.

She took offense, and made it clear. (a long telephone conversation later) Says it's ok, but it's not ok with me.
walking on eggshells or broken glass with this person. Can't win-win with her.

Jade

does she know about your history? if she does its shameful on her part that she would take so much offense. its shameful anyway that shes taking your need for boundaries and making it about her. >=(

Yes, she is aware. Time to take some time to regroup and carry on.

Hi Jade

Sounds like an acquaintance who's blatantly disrespected your feelings. I would say that a natural response to getting that reaction out of you SHOULD BE to back off, and apologise if she knows some history behind it.
And she's, in a way, forgiving you by "relenting" and saying it's OK??!!
Well you're right, you don't need to be forgiven.......even if there wasn't history she would still have potentially been invading your personal space!!!
So........I'd say that it wouldn't at all be unreasonable to set some boundaries. And if you want you can do that quite politely in the sense of telling her that you don't "do" touch and hugging, it's in no way a reflection on her but you just don't feel comfortable with it (if you want you can add "with anyone other than.....family??? OR not!!!).
But if this person still doesn't respect it, then I don't know that she's a person you want as that much of an acquaintance??? So maybe avoid interaction (just a nod and brief "Hello" if you have to) or very brief interactions???

Alison

Yes, thanks for replies. It was/is quite disrespectful, and unreasonable since we were supposed to be support for each other. This makes it even more harmful/hurtful.
Trust the lesson though. People are people, not easy, but ok.

thanks
Jade

I can relate Jade. My boss at work touches me randomly too. She's talking and telling some stupid joke she thinks is funny and briefly touches my back or my shoulder and just rests her hand there for a moment. I HATE IT. It makes me want to jump out of my skin. I don't enjoy hugs either...

I just bite my lip and try to deal with it, but it's horrible. The alternative is always offending someone though (or having to explain when I really would rather avoid explaining my child abuse history to people like my boss...). I'm sorry you're dealing with this!

if you have explained and she ignores it - then she is not a good friend

its hard for people to understand but a good friend will respect your boundaries and not cross them

I used to not be able to have someone stand behind me (hypervigilence)- my boss knew this and always did it - i asked her not to in a crowded meetig once so everyone could hear - embarrased me and her but it stopped her

with hugging - and the standing behind me thing - i let trusted people do both and gradually ws able to deal with it

and if its too much i just step inside myself and put my mask on ...

wishing you peace and hopeing you dont see this as a failure but a learning experience

P7

I do not do physical contact well either. My supervisor asked me to hold his tie while he cut something off it. Which meant being in each other's space and I completely froze up and he snapped at me told hold it. So I did, touching it as little as possible. He doesn't know my history though.

Anyway, this acquaintance doesn't sound like a very good friend. I mean, if she didn't know your history than that's one thing. But since she did, then there was no reason for her to be offended. Some people just don't like to hug and there is nothing wrong or shameful in that. People who are into hugging seriously need to understand that not everyone is like them. And they shouldn't push their tendencies on other people and expect everyone to love it.

I don't like people touching me or hugging me in general, so I don't return the gesture.

The only exception is if a girl I'm going out with does.

There's no shame in this!

I dont like to be touched either and if you do you are lucky if you dont get a fist in your face or me in a complete flashback or complete dissociation; so you're reaction is normal and if she cant understand that (she doesnt even need to know of your trauma, just that you had trauma) then shes not a good friend in my opinion.

I dont have any friends in real life now but when i did, if they didnt respect my need to not be touched, they wouldnt be my friend long. The ones that respected my personal need of personal space until (if ever) i felt okay to be touched by them, they were the best friends i ever had.

Just my 2 cents from my experience.

I am sorry you were treated badly, That person should not have taken it so personal, I have the same problem with people up to close to me, I want to hug and be affectionate but I just can't do it, I want to be so badly though

Me too! Something i so LONG FOR but also SO TERRIFIED OF!

You'd hope that people would totally respect your feelings and need for space. Sorry you've been dealing with this. I know that with my cPTSD my friends are well aware or and embrace my shortcomings. Real friends will respect your needs. Much love to you.

I agree, true friends would respect your "issues" and needs and respect your need of personal space/fear of being touched.

Cyberhugs to my friends here who understand, thank you all for the care and support.
Jade

I don't like people touching me either unless it's family. My "stuff" doesn't come from my family. If she knew your hx. why not just a touch on your forearm if she felt that kind of need to connect. That might not be harsh. I agree if she gave you flak about it, she's just not understanding. Blessings to you.
Yak

I feel much tbe same way about touch. Afraid everyone is out to hurt me.

Me too!!