[bunnifoo]

So I went to therapy and we finally tried EMDR.

I couldn't concentrate on it like I was supposed to. I could either think of what I was supposed to or track the therpaist's fingers and when Iw as tracking her fingers all I could think was "there are her fingers going left ...right"

She wanted to start with the earliest trauma but the problem is I'm fuzzy on the memories AND it's something that.. I remember it but in a detached way. If I start trying to access the emotions it's like a gate slams down.

We tried a few different techniques and finally she said maybe she would try something else. I did Internal Family systems last year and it was progress but there is no one in my area that does it and takes my insurance.

I got really angry and some stuff came out and I was yelling different things about myself that were all negative and she kept asking who had said those things and honestly I don't remember or it could be any number of people. It's just there. I mean if I knew I would be in therapy. maybe

So I came home, feeling shattered and upset. (Background - I moved from the state I was living in to where I am now and in with my mother because Ihaven't been able to work and needed more family support, my brother lives nearby and my mom keeps my nephew a lot). It was early release day so my nephew was there, I couldn't go to my room without questions.

Instead I just cut off everything I was feeling until they went to an afterschool activity. And then I just.. I don't know I cried. I've been fighting self harm thoughts although until this past year I've only rarely done anythin and then it's just been biting the backs of my hands.

But today I took my car key and kept jamming it in my arm over and over until it finally hurt. And I wanted to break everything. I know the anger is just misplaced sadness but I don t know how t process it.

I can't talk to Mom because she doesn't understand. I don't feel like I have a good rapport with the therapist (part of the issue) and I just... I don't know what to do.

Well I did email some therapists to see if they were taking new patients. But I ended up doing what is harmful...shutting down and not feeling anything until I have to explode with emotion.

[Out There]

I'm so sorry that this has not gone well for you. To have a good rapport is important.

[Fuzzybear]

[Open Eyes]

(((bunnifoo))),

I am sorry your therapy session did not go so well for you. However, "some" things did surface and it's not really important who said these things to you, instead it's more important that these negative things were said to you and came out in your effort to "heal" and try something. EMDR is not for everyone, there is no "I failed" involved because it all depends on the individual.

From my understanding one doesn't have to remember the beginning, but instead see what comes forward, in your case it was remembering comments made to you. Also, it is common for someone to be very tired as you described "after" a session. Also, what you described about wanting to distance from the home activities is normal because when the brain is disturbed and challenged in a session, the individual is tired and often the best thing is to be quiet and rest and even if one gets to nap.

As far as the negative things you said about yourself, that is going to be accompanied with some challenging emotions, enough to tire you out and add to your feeling like you failed in a session. It could also be connected to how you feel on a deep level when you ask for help or have a need.

If you had everything lined up and organized, you would not be struggling so much, so PATIENCE is very important in the healing. From my understanding, the cutting is only one way of connecting with one's own body that distracts and sooths. It was good that you did not follow through with that, once a person understands a "why" for an impulse, it can begin a path towards finding something else that can bring the same kind of connection and self soothing that is not about self harm.

What you deserve to slowly work on is developing a sense of self that builds up your own sense of "deserving to heal". The reason it's important to build a relationship with a therapist that you can spend time with that you feel "safe" to do that with, is that as you work on your healing you are gradually being given permission on several levels to do so. Also, you are correct, people around you, mother and brother etc., do not understand what you are struggling with and others that frequent this forum can totally relate to that. That is why it's important to have a good relationship with a therapist who "does understand" what you need so you can spend time with someone that knows how to help "you" help yourself "slowly".

It took me time to find a therapist that really understood "trauma" and had experience working with many patients that were struggling with PTSD and other issues that revolved around them being so challenged by their needs and not having a place or individual to be with that they could sit with that helped them feel comfortable to just vent. He said to me that most of his patients come to him extremely desparate and as time goes by they slowly begin to settle down and make more sense. I was no exception, I was in desperately bad shape when I first sat with him. Now, I can look back on that with a much better understanding as to "why" and a huge part of that is that I was traumatized badly and unfortunately I was told by everyone around me, including some professionals that I had no right to be struggling so much. A good portion of my therapy was for being exposed to "bad" therapy. A good therapist that works with a trauma patient has to understand that what a patient needs is to be heard, and not to feel they are being "judged" in any way. All those bad things you spouted about yourself with that therapist? That was a big question that this therapist has to "be there" for you to address so you can be given permission to slowly "heal" without having to feel any of those words that were said to you whenever you needed "help" but even more importantly, permission to be respected for having your own identity.

You talk about how you needed to "cry". Well, again, I am sure others who come to this forum for support can relate to that, I know I can and I have definitely cried a lot in my healing. One day in therapy I was talking a lot and crying at the same time. My therapist very gently asked me to stop talking for a minute and just focus on letting myself "feel" the "feelings that made me cry". When he did that with me it was so helpful because I did not realize how I was running away from that emotion. He gave me permission right then and there to "feel". What happened to you was "sad", it's ok to sit and cry if you need to feel that it was sad. Often, the reaction when someone is sad and cries is "Don't cry". Often a parent says that to a child every time the child cries, often the parent even reacts as though a crying child is such an inconvenience to them. Well, a child cries for a reason and they need to have help so they can understand for themselves what their own crying is about. The first thing a child does when it comes to having some kind of "need" is to cry. A very young child doesn't have "body" awareness remember. A young child goes through a process of discovering their own bodies "gradually", and even slowly learning how to become part of the world itself, as well as very slowly learn how to do things for "self". Crying remains a part of human nature, especially when an individual doesn't know how to "do for self" somehow. It's important that you understand that it isn't a bad thing if you just sit and cry as that is bound to be part of your healing process as you will be slowly working through whatever traumatized you or any of the negative messages you got that you never deserved.

When my daughter cries whether it be when she was little or now as an adult woman, I never tell her "don't cry". Instead I encourage her to talk about whatever has upset her, I validate that whatever it was "is" upsetting and it's understandable that she is crying and struggling emotionally over whatever it is that is presenting her with these feelings. However, I always try to help her find her way back to "self trust" and to slowly think about how to manage whatever the challenge is in a way that allows her to maintain "self trust/self esteem".

What you need to finally come to in your healing is to think about those words and not what they are saying about "you" but instead what the people who say those words are saying about themselves. People who say those words, especially when they say them to a child, are people who genuinely don't know how to "value others" and have any understanding about "sharing in a way that gives others a sense of value". Unfortunately, there are a lot of people like that, however, the reason that is so is because of how these individuals themselves went without. What they say is a reflection of "what they know" and that can even come from individuals who have letters after their name and seem to know alot, however, never understood "human nature" and how to "show respect" in a positive way.

My last therapist sat and listened to a lot of confusion, he understood what that meant, he even understood how often other professionals misdiagnosed and failed when it came to understanding what it meant too. I sure talked a lot to him as I had so much challenging me and I was constantly overwhelmed. I recently had to change therapists because of finances, as hard at that was, I learned something and was again lucky because I had found another therapist who understands trauma and trauma work. I found that I was much better at explaining my history with this new one and it showed me how much I had gained that I had not realized.

I hear you, and while you don't quite understand what did come forward in that session and feel like you failed, you did not fail, instead you have something to work with that you managed to put into words, that is significant as often just being able to come up with words is a very big challenge. And you know what, it was "ok" to cry too, because in reading what you described, right now you don't know what to do with what "did" come forward, and crying is confusion and fear and one's need for "help" so they can have something to grab onto they can slowly build on. Therapy is typically very tiring and it's ok if you walk away from therapy feeling tired and confused, it's important to develop PATIENCE, and I cannot say that enough, it takes time and "patience" to heal and it's ok if you need time to slowly work on your own healing.

[bunnifoo]

I met with a new therapist and liked him a lot. I haven't seen a male therapist in a long time but I felt comfortable. And the practice has some group therapy and even a drop in game night just for socializing.