The anger

leomama · May 16, 2016, 02:55 AM

I'm in a web of intricacies that offers me no relief for my condition .
I know the only solution is spiritual .
Has anyone had any success transforming their anger?
I have most of the perps and triggers still in my life as they are family and friends and I can not run from my own life.

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Quarter life · May 17, 2016, 08:18 PM

I think its a matter of balancing all life stuff. Taking a break from things that cause us anger and anxiety for a time can work wonders. Family will always be family, and friends come and go…taking nessessary steps to self protect is not only acceptable but also recommended. You can always re connect with family and friends at a later date when things are on a more even keel. You are priority number One.

May 17, 2016, 09:05 PM

Leomama, i have not transformed my anger rather i have vented it. I would kick cardboard boxes or throw rocks and glass soda bottles. It made me feel better to get it out of my system. Or go outdoors and yell it out. It always feels better cause then you've let the steam off your frustration. When we are sad we cry, when we are angry we yell and kick. These are great ways to get it out, and that is okay as long as it is not on ourselves or others. (((hugs))) I hope you find what works for you tc

Ceara1010 · May 25, 2016, 05:50 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by leomama

I'm in a web of intricacies that offers me no relief for my condition .
I know the only solution is spiritual .
Has anyone had any success transforming their anger?
I have most of the perps and triggers still in my life as they are family and friends and I can not run from my own life.

Hi leomama, I'm new here.

I, too, have perps still in my life. In fact, I'm having to live with some right now as I'm disabled and cant' work. I have had to let go of most of my anger to deal with this situation, but I'm still constantly reminded of what I went through with them. However, I don't know if I could do this if I was younger than I am now. Or maybe it's just that I've hit so-rock-bottom that I have to let go of it all to survive. Or maybe I haven't let it go at all, and have just stuffed it down so I can't feel it.

Over the years before I was disabled, when I was going to school and later working, I dealt with the anger by distancing myself somewhat from my abusers. I minimized my contact with them when I was feeling vulnerable. I think this is important to do particularly if perps are still being abusive. (Over the years, I changed and grew, but they didn't.) But the anger from the past abuse was still there, all the time. At least distancing myself from them kept them from inflicting more damage.

--Ceara1010

leomama · May 26, 2016, 11:31 AM

Thank you everyone for your feedback.
I know that no one can make me angry so I'm trying to reframe my anger and have been for quite some time.
This morning partner said something to me in a text that caused me to feel angry because it reminded me of a lie he told me. I've had a lot of DBT and I know one of the ways to change how I am feeling is to gently avoid the person I am angry with. I did not respond to what my partner was saying that I felt angry about and then called him later to talk about a different issue. At the end of the conversation he remarked on the fact we were getting along which let me know I had successfully used my emotional regulation skill.
I'm still angry but getting angry at him isn't going to change anything . I have to accept the fact that he lied to me and because he did I did certain things I wouldn't have done had he not lied to me.
-----
I should add that I have just been reminded of another lie he told me and have felt another wave of anger. I need to practice my gentle avoidance skill again and since I want to ask him a question and I'm going to have to gently avoid the subject I am angry about .

This is not easy .

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peaches100 · May 26, 2016, 12:21 PM

Good for you, Leomama, for successfully applying a DBT skill and seeing a positive result! That is great!

I have taken DBT 3 times, and it is STILL hard for me to catch myself in the moment of being triggered and then step back and think logically about what skill to apply to the situation.

It's only in looking back at the situation, after it has happened, that I can see that I reacted, rather than responding effectively. It feels as though, at the moment of being triggered, my adult self that holds all of the DBT skills information in mind, disappears completely. Only the reactive hurt child part of me is there! Then later, once things calm down, the adult side of me returns and feels such shame for having behaved in a way I wish I hadn't.

You mentioned that you think you need a spiritual solution to the anger you feel. I don't know how you feel about the Bible...Many people mistakenly believe that the Bible commands us to "forgive and forget." That's not exactly true. The Bible recommends that we forgive and take steps to deal appropriately with our angry feelings. But it does not require us to NOT feel anger, or to forget what happened.

Also, forgiveness does not mean that what the person did to us was right or OK. Just that we accept that the person who hurt us is another imperfect human who has flaws and makes mistakes, which sometimes hurt others badly.

One of the biggest benefits of forgiveness, if we can reach that place, is that it allows us to let go of the horrible feelings it creates inside us. Forgiveness is less about condoning the bad things people have done to us - and more about allowing ourselves to let go of the angry feelings that keep us suffering and in pain. Viewed that way, it is a gift to ourselves.

But forgiveness is a process...and the greater the hurt we've suffered, the longer it can take to find forgiveness and heal.

leomama · May 26, 2016, 04:54 PM

I'm a Christian so of course I believe in the Bible.
I hear what you're saying about forgiveness .

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shezbut · 12:48 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by leomama

...This morning partner said something to me in a text that caused me to feel angry because it reminded me of a lie he told me. I've had a lot of DBT and I know one of the ways to change how I am feeling is to gently avoid the person I am angry with. I did not respond to what my partner was saying that I felt angry about and then called him later to talk about a different issue. At the end of the conversation he remarked on the fact we were getting along which let me know I had successfully used my emotional regulation skill.
I'm still angry but getting angry at him isn't going to change anything . I have to accept the fact that he lied to me and because he did I did certain things I wouldn't have done had he not lied to me.
-----
I should add that I have just been reminded of another lie he told me and have felt another wave of anger. I need to practice my gentle avoidance skill again and since I want to ask him a question and I'm going to have to gently avoid the subject I am angry about .

This is not easy .

Your post didn't say whether or not you have ever spoken with your partner about these lies told, but it sounds like you haven't done so. On that assumption: While DBT does teach us to regulate our emotions, keeping them in check, it also teaches us to use our Wise Minds. Wise Mind still has emotional mind as well as the analytical side. Your emotional mind has a purpose, which is to keep you from being hurt again by your partner.

Since you mentioned this has happened a couple of times, I wonder if there is a pattern? Has your partner worked on that at all?

Gentle hugs to you.

Your feelings sound perfectly valid. Maybe now is the time for your feelings to be listened to. In a non-accusatory way, of course.

You know:
I feel ____ when you ____.