Need some advice...PTSD push away

Hi, I was been diagnosed with PTSD over 2 years ago...

One of the things I have noticed when I am triggered & in a relationship (not cause within the relationship but not excluding the relationship either) is I tend to push that person away regardless. I say impractical and damaging things like... “Hey, you know what how about I contact by email next Wed”. When next Wed is like 8 days away. The reason I do this, simple I feel threatened, I just do not feel safe being around anyone. Part of it is about emotional avoidance too. The trigger is real, the threat is not. I need to recovery time.

Usually I am mad when I do this... I am on medication to slow things down, but if the trigger hits me fast, and blindsides me, I am reactive verbally and my brain is not really engage as I am in protect mode. Some times this would be a prime reason I would start to disassociate and not remember any of what I said. Then I call the person an hour or so later and they are like “WTF. You told me you were not going to contact me for 8 days. Why are you calling me?”

This is rather serious problem for me so any suggestions or person experiences with the same would be welcome. I really need to work on not being such a jerk— Thanks!

I tend to do this as well with my fiance. I don't really say anything but I just...leave. I walk out the door and he has no idea where I'm going. Neither do I. One time he decided to follow me and saw me light up a cigarette and begin punching a tree. A tree. I don't remember this. When I'm back and I'm fully aware, I tell him to leave me alone. It hurts him and I don't like hurting him. He's honestly the sweetest man I've ever known. I stop talking about anything of merit and usually avoid him for days. I've gotten a lot better, though. He tells me when I'm doing this and we work through it together. I get out of my shell and talk to him about what happened. He doesn't say much, if anything, just listens. Then he holds me and we lay down together. He reminds me how important I am to him and I do the same for him. We tell each other why we love each other. It took us a long time to get to this point but we're there.
I couldn't tell you what will work for you, everyone has their own way of conveying to the ones we love why we're so messed up. Took a lot of patients on his part and a lot of preparation for me to be able to verbally talk about what was going on in my head. Overall, he just makes me feel safe. Feeling safe with that person will make it 1000x easier to open up.

I can relate to many of the things you have said.

It is a work in progress... You right it is about feeling safe. I do believe it is worth the effort. I hope eventually I can get to the point where do not feel this instinctual push away response.

Thank you much for responding So leigheas.

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No problem. You'll get to that point eventually. Just got to keep working at it and have a lot of patience. Good luck snarkydaddy.

I use to do this and had no clue why... Good luck to you Snarky!

Still trying to figure this out... Had a brief conversation with my T last week about this. This must a tough thing to go through from a non's point of view. If you were in a relationship where you both had PTSD maybe you could get to the point where you could laugh about it?

Saw my T yesterday dealing with the cognitive idea of broader facts and more consensus facts to help with this I seem to have a specific issue with this. In most cases, like 95% of the Time.

Which is the Problem, If 95% of the time your cognitive functioning is working it is hard to believe that that 5% is not also real. that 5% is where I have intimate relationships stored.

Actually makes a lot of sense. You working on how to properly address that other 5%?

Yes that is correct. And I have identified the area in my life where the 5% resides with the help of a therapist. Onward and upward!

That's awesome snarky, keep it up.

Unfortunately I was the one who was pushed today and did not react well to it

I'm sorry Snarky. What happened? (If you feel like talking about it).

I didn't know ptsd push away was a thing, I never heard of it.