[Anonymous37919]

I have had so many stressful situations over the past 15 years that has damaged my mental health, and my mood is very low these days. The bad feelings can come back fast and furious at any time, too. But I also dwell on the past a lot, because of things that have happened. It makes me feel worthless compared to the rest of the human race, like an ant being burned under a magnifying glass by a mean child.

I think sometimes, I was born in the wrong era, or I feel like I am really supposed to be this cool guy who is unfortunately permanently trapped in the body of a total loser. Everyone I meet just seems to be a wolf pretending to be a sheep, then something bad happens. It feels like I just end up back at square one. My autism like condition makes me obsess over things nobody normal would care about, but to me, it is like I must do stuff or it will not feel right.

Like, I often think that, had I been born in 1966 instead of 1986, I would have had friends in that time period, and my life may have turned out okay maybe even with true friends, a wife, kids, a job, and none of the depression that haunts me today. It is like screaming at the top of your lungs and people can see you are not happy, but they cannot hear you shout.

Since I was not actually a teenager in the eighties, it is not possible to judge something I was not a major part of. But the women and all that were nicer. The music was more fun, too. I am not even sure why I feel this way.

The last 15 years has sucked. Meeting my teenage crush ruined my life because she was not interested in me as a person to love. After nearly 7 years of looking for her, she used me for my money, and abused me too.

My own support workers turned on me. I really liked them, and I broke the boundaries, but I really did not mean any real harm. They did not want to work with me, and by contacting them a lot and being pushed away, they had me so nervous and upset. So because I was not allowed to bother them, I was jailed, and even attacked in jail, and once in court.

My grandmother died in 2004. We were very close. I have often tried to replace her with others, but they are counterfeit, and really very bad for me. It makes me think the last 15 years was a giant circle that went around, but nobody good stayed.

I am very kind and friendly, but all that does is attract people that take advantage of me. Too often, I know for sure that they are in fact bad, but the people who observe the situation just think I am irrational, but I know I was betrayed, and I even saw a lot of it coming. In my head, I picture myself as a great detective who can figure out the deceitfulness in people, only there lies no real answer as to why it all has to be that way.

I get voices in my head saying they are evil. Like, I see an image of these people smiling, being nice, and trying to fool me. It is like the only pure image of them is when we first met. But then I imagine my twin or some guardian type person is telling me not to believe in the lies. It causes me to be in a dark place, remembering why I feel the way I do following everything bad that the people did.

When I am in bed, I just feel sad knowing I have been betrayed and I feel so alone. Since the staff had me removed from my flat, I am living with my family, and it is hard to focus as it is not the best environment.

Facebook is just rubbish too. People just act all nice then spit in my face. One woman I thought was a friend was caught stabbing me in the back.

Why me?
Why am I being picked on?
Why is the world so bad today?
Why did the Spanish woman cancel me from her life?
Why was my ex a money grabber?
Why does everybody view me as a freak?

So many questions. No answers to be found. It drives me insane.

Having agoraphobia too means I stay inside a lot these days.

I no longer have support, and my one friend is in a world of his own.

I just think 2002 to now has sucked. The walls are closing in on me too.

[mindwrench]

That is a lot going on and to deal with. I can relate to a lot of what you said. It sounds like you need more people in your life who can understand, professional and friend wise.

[Anonymous37919]

There's nobody like that in my life, unfortunately.