[Amethyst_Stargazer]

I would move out if I could, I truly would. I'm on disability because of my health and disorders that I have. It's very hard for me to work sometimes because I've always had depression all my life. Pretty soon I'm working to getting a job and take some classes at the college. Perhaps online because I hate how it's taking over my life and stopping me from reaching what I want to do with my life. Just wanted to give you a little background on myself so you understand the entire situation to what's at hand.

My relationship with my mother is incredibly toxic and I believe in some ways she can be quite abusive too. Anytime I ask her anything or talk to her, she gets very angry and starts raising up her voice. Anytime I stand up for myself, she tends to yell back, how she wants to run away and then it goes to, "Everyone just leave me alone!" She takes her anger out on me, my brother and my step father. My parents no longer get along anymore, though she's in quite denial and acts as if they don't even fight. My step father is very loving towards me and my brother. As for my mother, they do get along but she always argues with him, fights with him and gets upset if he wants to go lay down and rest. My step father got two leg surgeries and he can barely walk anymore. She's closest with my younger brother and vents to him about everything and he listens. I've been picking up on this for the last year. When I got into a deep dark depression last year and my medication had to get fixed, she acted very cold towards me, wasn't supportive of me and threatened to kick me out several times or put me into a group home. Than she would take back her statements or claim she never said such things, that I'm being a drama queen.

I've been abused before and I know what abuse seems like. She's called me a "two year old" and "you're too sensitive" many times in the past. Her famous saying is "You're acting like a two year old!" She says this anytime I disagree with her or have my own opinion. This one person in my life means the world to me and sometimes I get vibes from her that she's jealous. Than she'll act very nice to me when it's just the two of us and then she'll switch back when my niece is around and act very cold towards me. She ignores me anytime I mention this to her. Now that I've been ignoring her, not speaking much to her, keeping to myself or walking away when she yells I noticed my stress levels are very very low which is good. Even my depression has gotten better since I walk away and ignore her. The only time I ever speak to her is when I have too. Many people in the past have said she's not abusive but I strongly disagree. My therapist knows about the situation and I told my T that I'm getting a job once again that my depression is better and applying myself to college.

My T have said I've come along way and that I'm learning, self improving in my PTSD that I have and a stronger person. I simply needed to vent about this because two days ago I asked for sugar and she got the sugar out of the cabinet and slammed it on the counter. I wanted to fill it up in the jar and she of course insisted that she could do it. Right as she walked away she said in a very angry tone, "The sugar is in the cabinet if you need to fill up the sugar again for your coffee!" I asked nicely. I had no idea where it was, but now that I do know where it is, I won't have to bother asking her. I feel like anytime I ask her anything or speak to her, she'll simply explode. Than she'll get nice when it's only the two of us???

Thanks for listening. I just needed to vent.

[Open Eyes]

From what you have described, it sounds like your mother is disordered and most likely has her own history of being neglected. It sounds like any situation that asks "her" to nurture is a trigger to her and she gets resentful and angry and exhibits reactions where she turns things around to "her" being the victim in some way. The fact that she uses your brother to complain to and vent to is showing how she never really matured and gets angry when she feels her needs are not being met. She probably is suffering from low self esteem.

As you learn how to recognize her behaviors that are unhealthy and learn to not engage her, but also not to expect something she cannot give you as well, you can make gains. Understanding that her toxic behaviors have no bearing on your worth as a person can provide you with your own space to develop your self and sense of self worth in spite of her "lacks". Yes, your symptoms of depression can be reduced as you learn how you can actually gain in spite of your mother's behaviors that never contributed to your sense of self esteem.