I was royally crapped upon for sitting on my application for a military disability pension. I've been reluctant to ask my psychiatrist to complete the medical questionnaire; the last portion to be submitted. This person just doesn't understand how anxiety, fear, and depression work.

First of all, just the act of completing my part of the application was excruciating. Too many memories dug up that I have for years tried hard to ignore and supress.

I explained to this friend that filing the application is an acknowledgement of feeling a failure. It reaffirms my lack of self worth and stirs up feelings that I wasn't strong enough and maybe even at fault for the events. Some one is going to look at this application and judge me for just that.

There were other things I told my friend that were making me reluctant to get the medical questionnaire to my pdoc. The worry that he might say 'no' is very real. Then there is the worry I might be disappointing him or putting him out. Is this whole process even worthwhile? Am I even worthwhile enough to deserve this?

Well, I got off my behind today. Having to explain to my friend why I am so muddled up about this gave me the vim and vigour to finally do it. I'm still ticked this person has such little understanding of my emotional plight but perhaps they did help me. Still, I am trembling.

I dropped the forms off at my pdoc's today. Finally. The ball is now rolling - and no longer under my control. But rolling nevertheless it is.

[Skeezyks]

Hello justafriend306: Congratulations on getting the ball rolling. This is to be celebrated! As the saying goes: "The longest journey starts with a single step."

[MommaD]

Good for you!!! I know it's a difficult (what an understatement!) process but you did it!!
Today the MommaD Medal of Valor goes to justafriend306 for having the courage and fortitude to face their difficult memories, uncaring and/or clueless professionals and the damn bureaucracy and "git er done".
I hope it works out for you

[Pinetree487]

Wanted to let you know that ive had this problem too, its normal, not weird, and you completed a great first step - every time you have to deal with this situation, remind yourself that you got the courage up once, you can do it again.
I started shaking, trembling, and my heart started racing when filling out some VA forms - it brought up feelings of incidences that happened in the military, and it brought up feelings of failure because it had to do with why i got out of thd military sooner than i wanted to, and it made me think about how much i miss my old job, that i cant top it, i loved it, and will never have that job again. But my husband helped me through it, i took a break, some deep breaths, and was afraid that my benefits would not get approved, but my husband reminded me to tell the doctor about how i reacted to filling out the form, that proves that thinking about the past incidences affects me so badly.

Dont give up, keep on your good roll youve got going, and find ways to keep your suffering from getting in your way. Do one step at a time. Good luck!

thx, sorry I haven't responded. Neither has my pdoc and it's been nearly a month.