Guilt from Sexual Assault/Sexual Assault Survivors

Anyone here have guilt from sexual assault? You don’t have to describe in detail your attack if you don’t want to. Mine was by someone I knew and he did it to me while my friends were sleeping next to us in a hotel while we were at an anime convention and I foolishly shut down instead of screaming. He and his friends told me I lead him on and that I let him touch me before (I didn’t understand for some reason when he was always stroking my nipple right in front of my friend) so I was just embarrassed and because I never verbalized my no, I technically consented after it happened.
When he started touching me, I thought of being in another place with of all my friends and pretended to be incoherent so he would lose interest. When I acted like I was asleep and not understanding, he just kept going and touching me, but still I didn’t know what to do and how to stop it. My brain just shut down and imagined I was in a better place, praying for it to end.
Even when I said “ow” when he started fingering me, he kept going. After he was done I cried and said “that wasn’t right” over and over again, and he was mad I rejected him and told me it was my fault and he “didn’t do one night stands” threatening in my ear. He also played on my guilt and manipulated me into thinking I wanted it and agreed to it and said “oh we won’t tell anyone” when he was really protecting himself. I begged to sleep on the floor, but he forced me to sleep in the bed with him where he touched me. I begged to take a shower but he told me no and made me stay in the bed. He fell asleep next to me and I finally went to sleep, dreaming I was between a rock and fire and dreamt I was in hell. When I woke up, he was cuddling me and holding me to him and I just wanted to die. My friend was getting dressed in front of me and all I could do was stare blankly at her and she knew something was wrong. I still remember how I stood in the hotel shower in the morning, the area between my legs hurting and staring blankly at the wall.
I ended up telling her in private when he wasn’t following me and she immediately took me home and left him in Boston with the other group not saying anything. Before we left, we said goodbye to the other group and he forced me to hug him goodbye and I just felt sick and wanted to cry.
Later on, it spread around to my club at college that we “did it” and I became paranoid that everyone knew of what happened and when I came out with the truth to some people, they told me I consented so I’m lying. It turns out he told everyone I did him and I was “just embarrassed”. I ended up withdrawing from the university.
I still have nightmares and can’t get a physical exam down there without crying or passing out or wanting to puke. I can’t watch anything related to non-consent, even if it’s acting, without fainting or my legs giving out. I’m afraid of people, especially males without partners, interacting with me. I transferred to a new school and tried to join an anime club but there was 95% single males and because that was what happened at my old university and the guys sneakily prayed on the girls, I didn’t go back cause I was scared of what might happen to me. I’m not very good at telling if someone is hitting on me or not so I am super paranoid and analyze every action a single male gives me for fear of them flirting with me without me realizing it. I am extra careful who I talk to and they have to have a voucher from someone I know for them to be considered talking further with. One of my friend’s friend tried to hit me up even though I said I had a boyfriend and he was following me around and I immediately hid behind my friend to protect me before I started freaking out.
The university I withdrew from apparently contacted the police about my assault and wanted me to make a report but I refused because I would just get torn apart in court. My assaulter later contacted me through facebook and I immediately blocked him for fear of him coming after me again.
If I go to the area he lives, I am immediately on guard and can’t relax, even with friends there. I have a lot of shame and guilt from the assault because my friends would often tell me that “you should’ve done this…” or “you should’ve woke me up” etc. I still remember his face and everything he did to me and I blame myself for being too nice because I didn’t understand what exactly had happened. Sometimes flashbacks will come to my brain at random times and I feel disgusting. I feel dirty and used.
Luckily my boyfriend is wonderful to me and respects me. He always asks for my permission cause he knows what happened to me and always lets me call the shots. Sometimes my friend will bring him up without realizing what the damage does to me. I’m afraid to go to anime conventions now unless I KNOW he’s not going to be there.
I’m going to counseling for it. Just wanted to know if anyone else feels guilt like this and wanted to see if I could get support and give support to those who are suffering through the same thing.

I'm sorry you have gone through this.

I have some guilt from my abusers but I learned in therapy that it's not all my fault. Letting go of the guilt eased a lot of pain for me.

I'm so sorry you have gone through this. Our society tends to blame the victim and it really sucks. Being told "your should have" or "you shouldn't have" done something is ********. It sucks that when someone is sexually assaulted, the first thing they ask themselves, are "Did I ask for it" or "What did I do wrong", when the first thing that should have been said is, "You didn't ask for it" and "You didn't do anything wrong".

I've experienced assaults myself and have never reported any of them. Yes, I do feel guilt about them, more for some than others based on the circumstances of each. It's a combination of those assaults and growing up in a war zone that have graced me with CPTSD, Anxiety and depression.

I'm glad that you are in counseling and getting some help to move beyond this. Thank you for voicing your support -- and support back to you.

Hi BlueberryDonut. I am so sorry this poor excuse for a human being put you through this. It is 100% not your fault. I can understand feeling guilt about being assaulted, being abused, etc. I think it comes with the territory of such things.

I think being in college is a very hard time socially, and I just want to reiterate that you didn't do anything wrong. You froze, which is a completely natural reaction to sexual assault. That guy sounds like a he has problems. Big ones.

I'm glad you have a good boyfriend, who is understanding and kind. You deserve it! I'm glad you are getting counseling too, in order to cope with this. I hope it helps!!

Hi, BlueberryDonut,

Your post brought tears to my eyes. I, too, have been sexually assaulted (too many times to count) and I reacted, each time, the same way you did. That produced a lifetime of guilt. I have been in therapy for about 3 years, after a bit of a breakdown, so am learning to cope with it. Out of the countless times, I only reported one time, and it made me feel even more guilt, if that's even possible. My problem is, I realize I put myself in the wrong place at the wrong time, with the wrong people. I feel for the perpetrator, they're people, too and probably have issues they're trying to deal with, too. Maybe they can't help themselves. Maybe they don't know there are people that can help. Maybe they don't realize they have a problem. Maybe they don't know it isn't right. I don't know any of these answers because I didn't take the time to find out. I just endured and walked away. So guilt consumes me because maybe I wasn't the only woman they abused. Maybe they kept on doing it ... because I didn't tell anyone. But if I had told someone and the perpatrators got in trouble for it, I would still feel guilty because I told on them. So, for me, the guilt never goes away. I just learn to deal with it. Yes, it's there and always will be but now, after therapy, I choose to not care about it ... because I know the perpetrators aren't thinking about it and it's not causing them any distress. So why should I suffer?

I know how you feel. My assaulter tried to get in contact with me and tried to manipulate me into talking to them and acting like they did nothing wrong but "I know I hurt you" kinda ********. I felt so guilty when I first told my friend what had happened, because I thought that I contributed to it and disrespected her and my other friend for what happened.

Honestly I really hate my assaulter and got rid of all his ****** friends off my facebook. I didn't want to fight with them when I knew I already lost and really I didn't care for them to be my friends if they made me feel bad about it and sticking up for him because he was "desperate for love". Doesn't make it okay to touch me.

Thank you all for your support and I'm sorry for your own experiences. It's not okay what your abusers did to you and it's not your fault.

One of his friends even tried to convince me that it was my fault because I didn't verbalize my no under the pretense he was comforting me when really he just wanted to gossip about all my problems to his friends.

I'm so sorry this happened to you. It sounds very scary and I want you to know you are not alone.

I have had multiple sexual assaults happen to me (sorry I can't say victim or survivor yet, I really don't want to say assault either but I'm going to listen to my T and call it that). And yes, I experience extreme guilt. I blame myself for being assaulted more than once, I blame myself for staying in the abusive relationship, I tell myself it was not that bad. That's very common and you are not alone. You don't need to feel guilty. You did not do anything wrong. We all respond differently to assault and there is no correct way. Somebody did something wrong to you and you did not deserve it.

I'm a survivor of cocsa - child on child sexual abuse. I feel guilty for turning my rapists into rapists. If I hadn't been there they wouldn't be rapists and would still be good people. Because of me they are now bad people.