In mourning for what I might have been

I feel like I spend a lot of time mourning over the person or the idea of the person I felt I could have been if it wasn't for my mental illness and the trauma I experienced

My current place in life has me dwelling on this and realizing it's time to move on but it is so hard. I have days where I acdeept who I am, what I am capable of, and that I will move forward to succeed in ways that are realistic for me. That I won't keep setting myself up for failure by trying to mold myself into who I was suppose to be

But I have bad days, where I can't accept it and I put on the smile and laugh and surround myself with friends but it's eating away at me but I can't stand to be alone because I don't trust myself to be alone with those thoughts and those feelings, not right now, i have acted out too much lately to think I can keep myself safe

I think about the person that could have done what is essentially a dream job for me and succeeded, they wouldn't have had to resign because they can't handle the pressure, they can't get their broken brain to organize and complete things. I think about the person that wouldn't be a financial disaster, I think about the person that would never give into impulsive thoughts, that wouldn't desperately try to smack bandaids on open wounds. That person would have taken responsibility for themselves and gotten professional help before getting to this point. Getting to this place where I have jeopardized everything I care about, jeopardizing every relationship I care about.

That person would keep a clean home, would complete projects, would seize each day and make it the best day.

Some days it's a wonder I make it out of bed. Some days it's an uphill struggle to keep the voice in my head that tells me I am better off dead to a volume where I can function. It's hard to not believe I am poison, that I am a failure, a waste of space.

I only ever wanted to be good, I only ever wanted to do good, but I mess it all up. I mess up everything

I wish so desperately I could be the person i would have been if I wasn't so ill, if my brain wasn't so broken, if I wasn't infected with these memories and fears

I know exactly what you mean. I think about the same things. I also think about how functional I used to be compared to how I am now. I've lost a lot because of abuse and the illness that has resulted from it. But I think you have to mourn before you can move on. Or maybe, just like a death, we will always mourn but will be able to get to a point where we aren't consumed by it. I know mourning is a process. I hope we can all make it through the stages in a healthy way.

Typo, I feel like I could have written most of your post. I'm in mourning too. I feel I lit fire to what I could have made of my life, sabotaged myself at every turn, and prevented myself from using the gifts that I DO have. Getting older doesn't help, but in a way it has driven me back to therapy to try to seek some help again now. I have felt hopeless for about 40 years but recently now, I just kind of reached a crisis, I guess.

I could relate to your post a lot. Sometimes I feel resentful that at 46, I am still trying to navigate this whole being an adult thing. I wonder about stuff like where would I be in my career now, would I have a family of my own, etc. On the flip side, what is done is done. I lost a lot of years, but the past 10 years have been mostly onward and upward, getting more and more stable. I am grateful that I've been able to start rebuilding my life. Better late than never. Mourning is painful, but it is a necessary part of recovery. I wish you the best, hang in there.

Yeah, I can relate. It does pass, with therapy and meds. A lof of what you're experiencing is effed up brain chemistry and you can't fix that by yourself.

You're thoughts here, and the way you've expressed them, are some of the Exact Same thoughts that I have on a daily basis. So thank you for posting them as I know I'm not alone. The way that I deal with a lot of these thoughts, symptoms, etc is through exercise. Intense exercise. I use the very same thoughts that you expressed (and other, darker thoughts) as fuel when lifting weights. When I start to sweat I imagine those thoughts etc leaving my body and mind. Cardio also helps the mood for me.
Someone once told me that I need to "redefine success ". But it's much easier said than done, and I'll bet that you have that same problem.