[Terabithia]

I’ve never been diagnosed with PTSD, but I don’t know what else this could be. Last night I discovered that the word trigger is the best word to describe what happens when the weather is that kind that most people would want to go outside and enjoy. I know that sometimes it has to do with a disconnect between feeling depressed and pretty weather, but usually that is not what is happening.

I have felt this way for more than 20 years. I will feel so disconnected and fearful. It’s usually at its worst in the spring time. I can’t escape it by staying inside, especially since I hear the birds chirping, yet I will be dead set on not going outdoors. I hate it, because I want to connect with nature, and because it must be depressing to others.

My sister told me that when we were little, my dad used to shoot birds with a B.B. gun in the backyard, in front of us -like bluebirds- and then show them to us like he was proud of it. I don’t remember this, but I can see how that might cause my problem with the sound of the birds. The morning is especially bad. I wonder if it has something to do with going to school, too. Or maybe recess, since I do have bad memories. I dreaded school every day.

So, anyway, I can see how negative associations might be causing this problem. What can I do about it, though? Do I have to go through counseling? Are there any online resources that might help?

Sorry for the length of this post. I hope someone out there won’t mind reading it.