[str8uptruthandlove]

It seems to happen everywhere. I don't know what I'm doing that gives guys the idea that I want that, since I identify as asexual. I have NO interest in sex, or fooling around, or relationships. But I can count 3 times in the last 2 weeks where I've had to rebuff an unwanted advance. Unfortunately, after a certain point, I can be triggered by this behavior.

First occasion is a friend who's in an "open" relationship because his gf doesn't like sex either. He knows how I feel about sex, so I don't know why he even tries to push the issue. I think he's extremely lonely, and any friendly female is fair game. We've been friends for years, and maybe he figured "gotta try once". I set him straight, politely, and he's dropped the issue. For now.

Second was more of an acquaintance, we used to work together. I hadn't seen him in a few months. He contacted me after what he described as the "week from hell"- his mom was dx with cancer, he got in a fight with his best friend, and his gf broke up with him. Again, I think it's a case of loneliness. He's not exactly popular with the ladies. He had a thing for me in the past, I thought I made it clear I didn't feel that way about him. Apparently I'm too nice about these things cause he was bringing it up a lot when we hung out on Sunday.

Third case was a few minutes ago, right here on PC chat. I won't mention names, I will say that it was totally unwarranted. I was talking about the beach a block from my house, somehow that became a reference for my lady bits (he started it, I did not encourage this).

I've been getting triggered a lot lately. I'm not so sensitive that the mere suggestion of sex sets me off, but when someone gets bold and/or handsy, I definitely start panicking. It's a major pet peeve when someone beats around the bush, trying to turn any innocent conversation into sex talk. "You know what I'm talking about." NO, no I do not. Nor do I want to know!

What could I be doing to encourage this behavior? I don't make sexual jokes or references, I just try to be nice to everyone. How do I stop this from happening in the future? Or better yet, how do I change my perception so I'm less bothered by this?? Please help!!

[childofchaos831]

I totally understand this.

For me, guys getting bold and/or pushy is extremely triggering. I do not relate well with certain men (by certain, I mean straight). I am not attracted to men, nothing they say or do will change that.

When a guy gets bold/pushy/handsy, depending on my level of triggeredness, I will say "back off" in a way that falls somewhere on the use of necessary expletives range. Other times, I can be so triggered so fast that I completely freeze and can't express a "no" or "not interested". Often, they will start asking why, and I'll say they are not my type. If they ask for clarification, I will refer to their gender, again on a scale of crudeness, as necessary.

One trick I used, when I was using public transportation (because apparently a ton of creeps ride the bus), was I started wearing a ring on the left hand ring finger (marriage finger). I started with one that passed as an engagement ring, and astonishingly, some guys saw that as still possible. Then went with a plain band, and it got better.

Every once in a while, when I guy would still get pushy, I would just respond "ya, my wife wouldn't like that" and walk away.

I know that doesn't help with people who you know... for that, I would probably say, if it continues, walk away and ignore any other contact. A friend would take no for an answer the first time. If they won't take a no, then they don't deserve to be in your presence. Over time, I managed to get the people who didn't respect me and my preferences out of my immediate circle. Sounds harsh, I know, but my well being, physical and mental, is worth more than someone else's opinion of me or their feelings.

[str8uptruthandlove]

Originally Posted by childofchaos831

Over time, I managed to get the people who didn't respect me and my preferences out of my immediate circle. Sounds harsh, I know, but my well being, physical and mental, is worth more than someone else's opinion of me or their feelings.

I definitely get the "freeze" response. I think it's becoming more widely known that it's not, nor has it ever been, JUST "fight or flight". I've freaked out a few guys by going completely stiff as a board and disappearing somewhere inside my own head instantly.

I agree, if someone isn't respecting my boundaries and my comfort requirements, they aren't worth keeping around. Fortunately my two friends recognized "hey, she's not interested" and backed off. The third guy, I simply disappeared for a few hours. Now we're apparently pretending nothing ever happened. Whatever, fine with me.

I don't know that I feel the need to explain "I'm asexual" cause usually I have to define the term immediately afterwards. Shouldn't it be enough for me to say "NO", firmly, and more than once if necessary?

I'm glad you figured out what works for you. It's such a gross feeling when people don't take a hint right away. Keep on keeping on!

[Crypts_Of_The_Mind]

Quite honestly - since I have been raped 3 times, a violin teacher tried to molest me as a kid, and my first job I was sexually harassed to the point of physical endangerment - unless the attention is wanted attention from the person I am in a relationship with, I instantly go cold...but then aftera minute I fly into a rage. They tend to back off when you rage at them. Dont remember when or why I started raging - I used to just go cold, freeze, and become listless or if pushed too much I broke down a bit and almost compliant though never quite able to be compliant. So it really messed with my mind - it was like a tug of war of sorts.

[str8uptruthandlove]

Originally Posted by Crypts_Of_The_Mind

I instantly go cold...but then aftera minute I fly into a rage. They tend to back off when you rage at them. Dont remember when or why I started raging - I used to just go cold, freeze, and become listless or if pushed too much I broke down a bit and almost compliant though never quite able to be compliant. So it really messed with my mind - it was like a tug of war of sorts.

I've been there. In my teenage years, when my PTSD was much more raw, and I had a drinking problem to boot, I'd fly off the handle a lot. People invading my space was the number one reason. I used to have a female friend who liked to come up behind me in the halls of the high school and 'surprise hug' me. Nothing sexual about it, but the unexpected physical contact caused me to jump and scream EVERY TIME. Eventually she learned, and got my attention first.

When I'm more prepared, I can handle it much more rationally. I'm still that way. If it's sudden, I freak. If it's expected, even like a tiny nagging suspicion in my mind, I have more time to decide how to react.

[Crypts_Of_The_Mind]

Originally Posted by str8uptruthandlove

I've been there. In my teenage years, when my PTSD was much more raw, and I had a drinking problem to boot, I'd fly off the handle a lot. People invading my space was the number one reason. I used to have a female friend who liked to come up behind me in the halls of the high school and 'surprise hug' me. Nothing sexual about it, but the unexpected physical contact caused me to jump and scream EVERY TIME. Eventually she learned, and got my attention first.

When I'm more prepared, I can handle it much more rationally. I'm still that way. If it's sudden, I freak. If it's expected, even like a tiny nagging suspicion in my mind, I have more time to decide how to react.

Mine needs to be a sexual advance of some nature but yea same concept - it's weird but yet gets the job done so i dont really try to change it too much yet

[Bill3]

Third case was a few minutes ago, right here on PC chat. I won't mention names, I will say that it was totally unwarranted. I was talking about the beach a block from my house, somehow that became a reference for my lady bits (he started it, I did not encourage this).

I am very sorry that this happened to you. I encourage you (even now) to report this incident to the moderators if you have not already done so.