[Tornerose]

I have been wondering for a while now if I could possibly have PTSD. What’s keeping me from believing it though is the fact that I feel like what I’ve gone through hasn’t been “bad enough” to cause PTSD.

TW: suicide mention

This is kind of a long post, so be prepared for that. I know I’m not talking to professionals but I would like some insight on this from just normal people (that may know a little more about this than I do)

I have been diagnosed with depression, psychosis and have also struggled with anxiety, panic attacks and eating disorders.

I’m 22 and have been inpatient two times before, and seen multiple therapists and psychiatrists. Throughout this I’ve never really found the cause to all my issues, other than what I’m going to mention later in this post. It’s really bugging me because I still struggle to this day and can’t seem to beat my depression.

I grew up with an alcoholic father, but he was never physically abusive to me or my mom. I don’t remember much of how it was or how I felt at the time, which is annoying because I wish I could reflect on it more. I just remember how normal it felt having my dad drinking and being angry at my mom and I all the time. I didn’t know that this wasn’t normal.

I was also bullied as a child, from very early school age up until I was around 14. Again there was no physical abuse (except for one time), and I don’t remember a lot, but I do remember constantly being laughed at, left out and made fun of, told I’m not good enough etc. I was the kid that all the others could constantly **** on and I’d just have to take it.

The bullying is one of the main causes to my anxiety and panic attacks, as I developed a big fear of people the same age as me, and I couldn’t stand being near them. This made school very difficult for me.

Also, when I was 15-16 I went through a really bad break up that led to my first suicide attempt.

Now, what has got me wondering about PTSD: ever since I relapsed back into depression again about a month ago, I keep having nightmares about my bullies almost every single night. Recently I woke up in a horrible haze with a mocking, laughing voice in my head that really scared me. (Side note: I haven’t seen my past bullies for over 8 years, nor do I ever consciously spend time thinking about them)

Again, I feel like none of this is “bad enough” to actually develop PTSD. But I also know that all the times I’ve broken any bones in my body, I’ve doubted my own pain and thought it was nothing, until I literally couldn’t stand the pain any more. So I know that I doubt my own pain a lot.

If you read through all of this, thank you!

Now, does anyone have any insight on any of this? Is PTSD even a possible diagnosis for me? I’ve briefly mentioned it with my psychiatrist once and she said it is a possibility, but I’ll have to talk more to her about this because I can’t seem to beat this depression.

When you wake up from nightmare (should be occasionally)

Do you breath heavily? Sweat heavily? Do your hands shake? Does white "screen" flashes in front of your eyes? Does your heart pound? If so, then PTSD is a possibility.

If not, it's a part of your psychosis. Again, to be diagnosed with PTSD, from PsychCentral's own website (the criteria given there is approved internationally) you must have been exposed to a serious injury to be classified to have PTSD.

[Skeezyks]

What you describe reminds me quite a bit of my own history, albeit many years ago now. I actually don't have a diagnosis of any kind. But I would suspect that what you might possibly be diagnosed with is complex PTSD as opposed to PTSD. Here's a link to a website page that discusses the difference between the two:

https://www.healthyplace.com/blogs/u...vs-simple-ptsd

There is a forum, here on PC, dedicated to cPTSD. Here's a link:

https://forums.psychcentral.com/complex-ptsd/

Family therapist, Kati Morton, has a video on her YouTube channel on the subject of cPTSD. Here's a link:

[Tornerose]

Thank you for your replies ❤️

It's the least we can do.

[seeker33]

Hello, this sounds like an impact of bullying, I went through a similar childhood and I'm therapy with complex trauma (please note there's a difference between PTSD and complex trauma. Try to find a therapist who understands this). My trauma was too "weak" to cause typical ptsd symptoms however it ruined my life.
Here's a good book Bullying Scars: The Impact on Adult Life and Relationships
You can also read a book by Pete Walker on CPTSD
You could read that in the meantime while you're looking for a complex trauma therapist so you can explain what's bothering you and have the "vocabulary" to explain your problems in a way that would make the therapist understand you.