[kgirl08]

So... I struggle to connect and build relationships with others. Aside from my therapist, no one understands or seems interested in who I am or WHY I am the way I am... Even close family seems to walk on eggshells or avoid topics around me, not so much because of my behavior, but because I feel it hurts them to understand what I have been through.

I understand it hurts them.. but damn, it hurts me to feel like process and experience is that disturbing, it's become taboo to even bring up. I'll initiate subjects with my mother or brother or father... and when the topic is dismissed or not reciprocated from them.. I immediate turn to negative thoughts of feeling pathetic, for reaching out in the first place... like this time it would be different. How desperate am I? I am 28 y/o female.

So, I don't get the opportunity to air out my issues... Please, don't mind if I do...

As a child, 4 years old... a neighbor girl my age began to expose me to a sexual relationship with her. I think that's the first secret I ever held onto... When we moved, the girl continued to try to come over to my house... my mom would ask me if I wanted her to visit, and I would say no. So she went away. But the secret never did... and no one has ever known... not even my therapist. It seems irrelevant now.. But somehow I think it matters. It was intimate role playing... but I struggle with intimacy now and shame began to take over my life.

Since I was a child I was trying to escape… I would write false entries in my journal.. About an interesting life that was not mine. I never liked me.

I had few close friendships growing up. Move after move… the friendships I did gain were always ripped away from me without any notice… by 14 it was made clear to me that my worth was only sexual… I internalized this… I wanted connection, and I felt willing to give up anything for it… for commitment, loyalty, trust and love.. Here is my sex, you can have it.. But I never got what I needed. I finally turned a switch off… Relationships, friendships, community didn't matter… escape… I began using alcohol at a young age. I began using boys at a young age… being wanted was the goal… and when I was wanted… I no longer had interest in the dudes. Their feelings didn’t matter.. And I had none… I had strong defenses against rejection, I would be sure to do the deed before anyone else ever could.

Move onto after high school…drinking, hooking up, hating myself. I get raped… By raped I mean… I have no recollection of initiating sex.. I remember being strangled to the point of passing out… and that's it… one image… that I cant quite even remember from my own perspective… It's like I can see it happening to me…

Well this jacked me up… I started drinking excessively and uncontrollably.. I would pee my bed, other peoples bed. The self hate really began to spiral… And my mom after reading a journal or something I had written about the incident, decided I needed to move back to a place where I was happier… 700 miles away from her. So in less than 6 hours, I was gone…. New start with a distant family member.

Well that did not fix anything… behavior got worse. Promiscuity, drinking, until finally… a person decided he wanted me… to be his girlfriend… I had no choice… I needed to be with someone… even if that someone was verbally, physically, and emotionally abusive… I stayed in a terrible situation for a year… until I got the courage to go back home to my mother.

Little was ever discussed… and the way my mom saw it, and I saw it, I did all of this to myself… Which I did… I struggle with this critic in my head… this is all on you… you've made your life this way…

Relationship failure after failure… emotional ups and downs, avoiding intimacy, but being highly promiscuous and using others… Drinking and quitting and numbing and avoiding any feeling…

Anyway.. Without the details… there's 10 years of them that I could go on about… My drinking lead me to be raped 2-3 more times... My daughter shows up 2 years ago…and I begin to wake up… I begin to realize the need to find love for myself… which has been layer after layer making sense of the small patterns… the patterns I cant talk about with anyone in my close circle… because it's an emotional ride they don’t want any part of… But I am healing from it… It's frustrating that my childhood felt robbed by moves and issues, and then my 20's is gone because of the effects of those issues… Now all I can hope and pray is that my 30's are more peace… and I don't set a messed up example to my sweet girl… By first loving me.

If you made it to the end... Thanks! Sheesh.

[Skeezyks]

Thanks for sharing your struggle. Many of us are here on PC because we have no one we can talk to about what we have experienced. My story is entirely different from yours. But, in my own way, I can relate to the shame you have experienced as well as to the experience of not having anyone with whom you can share. I am glad to read you are seeing a therapist. Hopefully that person is someone you feel you can talk to openly. My best wishes to you...

[cptsdwhoa]

Hi and thanks for sharing. I have some different struggles, but relationships are hard for me to (romantic, friends, etc). I'm 29 and starting all over again. I'm also hoping that my 30s are another story. Here's to new beginnings. Here's to hope.

[DarkVapor]

Relationships are difficult no matter who you are. Not to minimize your troubles but there is hopefully a degree of comfort there. Our experiences forge who we are, some fires hotter than others, and depending on what we are made of, tempers the blade we become. Use the knowledge of the past to hone your edge so you can cut through today. Find strength in your resilience, and be particular who and what you interact with.

[yoomz]

Im really glad you were completely honest. Do not belittle yourself or blame yourself for anything. Theres no shame in reaching out. Sometimes it's just what we need.