[SeptemberMorn]

The 8 Steps to Living the Truth

Step 1. Describe very specifically the growth you wish to achieve.
This step is about clarity. You take this step because you want to be sure that you’re moving forward with a real, actionable goal.

In what area of your life do you want to achieve positive change first?

If the answer doesn’t come to you immediately, that’s okay. Find a quiet place to think for a bit. Let your mind and heart focus.

Examine your statement. Hone in on the specific aspect of the problem you’ve identified that troubles you most. Be specific.

Writing a problem down makes it easier to focus.

Keep refining what you’ve written. Add your emotional reactions to your statement.

Step 2. Accept that buried pain from your past stands between you and your goal

Accept the idea that your problem hasn’t come out of the blue; it has roots reaching into the past.

Trying to muscle through your problems, again and again does not necessarily lead to change.

We are needlessly afraid that looking at the past, especially the parts of it that are unsettling, will somehow weaken us or take away our momentum in life.

Step Two means turning in the direction of what you haven’t been willing to look at, and keeping your eyes wide open.

Step 3. Resist the behaviors that keep the pain buried

None of us wants to feel pain. That’s why we are all very adept at finding habits and behaviors that keep our minds from focusing on it. These habits and behaviors are called shield strategies, because we hide behind them, and use them as barriers against sadness, anger, disappointment or painful memories.

Some shield strategies are very obvious. Some are much more subtle. Here are some of the more common ones:

Overeating
Overspending
Obsessing over romantic relationships
Constantly arguing with your husband, wife, or partner
Obsessive dieting or exercise
Sexual indiscretions or sexual addiction
Alcohol and Drugs
Cigarettes
Staying online for hours
Gambling
Addiction to pornography

Step Three is about finally breaking the cycle of covering up truth. It is about telling yourself that the temporary pleasure, thrills and boosts in self-esteem that you get from shield strategies are no longer enough for you. It is about clearing away temporary balms and shortsighted feel-good strategies to prepare for real growth. It is about recognizing that you are stronger than you have believed and don’t need to hide from your truths.

The first thing you want to do is to identify your shield. It might be very obvious, perhaps something from the list above.

Having trouble identifying your shield strategies? Think about anything you do repeatedly that tends to powerfully shift your focus away from yourself and what you truly value and care about.

Whenever you find yourself thinking about something you don’t want to do, or a challenge that you don’t want to face, make a note of what you reach for. It may be a drink or a cigarette or the controls to a video game.

Be sure to record your shield strategies. Once you identify a shield strategy, it’s time to begin to oppose it.

Remember that it isn’t supposed to feel good when you start using anti-shield strategies.

Step 4. Find and feel the connections between negative experiences THEN and problems NOW

Step Four is about taking these feelings and putting them to work in service of connecting the dots: You’re ready to make those crucial connections between what’s troubling or frustrating you in your life now, and what went on in the past.

Here it may be useful to go back to the statement you wrote in Step One. Read it to yourself. When you have considered this problem before, you have probably felt angry, or frustrated, or tried to think of a way to fix the problem as soon as possible. This time, try looking at the problem with curiosity. Ask yourself, why is it that I have this problem? What is it in my past – either an event, or a long-term interpersonal drama– that reminds me of how this problem looks or feels?

As much as we can, we want to notice our feelings of sadness, anger or frustration (and of joy and freedom as well) and remember other times when we felt this way and why. We want to start putting details from the past—people places and things—together with these feelings so that we can start to tell a story—the story of how our past experiences continue to influence our choices and dreams

What earlier trouble in your life are you replaying or running away from?

Memories will surface. Welcome them. Because your story, both now and then, matters.

Step 5. Think about the past in order to put it behind you

We are told not to dwell on the past. Looking back is seen as a sign of weakness, while forging ahead is seen as a sign of strength. tremendous value in examining what we have lived through—the roots of the emotional and behavioral patterns that have set the stage for our successes or failures. We know that we must understand the events and relationships that make up our life histories or we will either repeat painful dynamics from the past or needlessly waste energy as we blindly flee from them.

In Step Four we applied ourselves to connecting the dots between past and present. In Step Five, we made a pledge to allow ourselves to feel the emotions associated with our past life experiences—especially the difficult, complicated, painful ones. We do so knowing that we have a responsibility to choose insight and authenticity over a life of denial. We can live unconsciously and let tired, recycled patterns keep us in orbits defined by fear. Or we can live consciously, and accept these feelings as clues to who we are and what we can be.

EXAMPLE: You might have written the statement: Instead of blindly climbing the corporate ladder, I am going to examine why I don’t believe I deserve to pursue my dreams. You resisted having the couple of after-work cocktails that used to transform memories of another disappointing day into a vaguely pleasant haze. Through spending sober time alone with your thoughts, you discovered that you were deeply affected by your parents divorce, and ultimately uncovered that your mother gave up going to law school to become a secretary so she could support you. Further exploration yielded up more truth: your mother was angry about this and tried to hide it from you, but it came through in her temper, especially when you failed at anything, or suggested you’d lost interest in something. The essential message you received growing up – one that still reverberates through your life – was this: Keep achieving, don’t get distracted, or you will not get love.

This insight is real buried treasure. You’ve unearthed it. Now it is time to unlock it. In order to keep the past from running your present life you have to go back and let yourself feel what it felt like to be the kid living through this dynamic. Remember what it was like when you were 11, and your mother lost her temper about your average grades in math, and placed the blame on your wasting time playing guitar or acting in school plays. If you felt scared, remember the fear; if you felt lazy, remember how shameful that felt; and if your mother’s anger made you angry, feel that as well. Let yourself be sad and mad that your childhood didn’t give you what you needed.

There is nothing wrong with acknowledging loss, or accepting that someone you loved disappointed you. These actions won’t make you get lost in the past. They are instead a way of putting these feelings where they belong—back in the part of your life story in which they unfolded, not free to contaminate your present reality or limit your horizons. You are making a conscious decision to place the drama of this dynamic behind you.

Patterns from our past hold us in very powerful orbits, and these orbits can only be disrupted by our will to open our minds and our hearts to what we have lived through. This determination to stop living defensively, avoiding our life histories, allows us to exit the dramas of our past, and make healthy decisions that give us back our free will and ability to choose the path that will make us most authentic and powerful.

In Step Four, we started to take those pages out and look at them. Step Five is about taking these pages and reading them carefully so that you can put them in order, and bind them into their proper place in your life story. And by binding these pages, we accept that they are completed and that we can’t change them. We can learn from them and write new chapters, true to ourselves.

Step 6. Forgive others and yourself

One of the hurdles in seeking out the pain in your past and turning it into your power is that it can feel as if you are blaming others for your misfortune, including people you love.

This is not only about empowering yourself by refusing to pull away from your own pain. It is about realizing that your parents and grandparents were limited by the same very human, very understandable, yet very toxic dynamics that you were. If you can accept that the actions of people who hurt you were a reflection of their own buried pain and disappointment, you might be able to acknowledge that they, like you – like most people – were doing the best they could.

When we allow ourselves to see beyond people’s actions to their pasts, we take ourselves from anger to empathy. This is the path to forgiveness.

Of course, the most important person to forgive is yourself. It is very difficult to forgive ourselves, because we know both our weaknesses and capabilities so intimately.

You might find it useful to mark your decision to live a life in forgiveness. We celebrate things like graduations and weddings, why not celebrate the day that you decided to stop living in the resentments of the past in favor of living in the hope and promise of the future?

Forgiveness isn’t something we do once and then forget about. It is a daily practice. After we have told people we forgive them, we show them by treating them with respect and kindness, and not letting underhanded remarks or lapsed responsibilities remind them that they somehow still “owe us.” We show forgiveness to our own parents not just by treating them better, but by being better parents to our children. The amazing thing is that by forgiving others, we are forgiving ourselves. We give ourselves the opportunity to live without rage. We resolve that unhealthy dynamics and patterns that have ruled our family for generations are going to stop with us.

Step 7. Plan your most powerful future.

The seventh step is about vision. We believe there is great power and possibility in envisioning what you want, but only when you are confident that your dreams for yourself are true to your heart and mind.

The horizons that you see ahead really belong to you. They reflect a need to please yourself, not others. They are a result of careful and determined introspection about who you are—your authentic self.

You will emerge intact and ready to put the past behind you. Your fear will be replaced with strength and your resentments with forgiveness. Doubt and anxiety will be replaced with self-esteem and a growing sense of possibility. All the energy you spent suppressing these emotions and avoiding reality will now be available for positive use, to move your life in the direction you want to take it.

Ask yourself some of the following questions: If I could choose my work, what would it be? What kind of relationship would be the most healing and joyful and would enable me to give what I have to give and to get what I need? If I am in a relationship, what do I want from it? What kind of people can I surround myself with so that I feel empowered, supported, loved and challenged? How do I keep lowering the shields that I identified, so that I am not again held hostage to patterns of behavior and emotion that keep me from my truth?

As you ask yourself these questions over time – questions that may initially frighten or overwhelm you– notice that you will begin instead to feel a sense of well-being and empowerment. Those feelings come from the realization that you have reached a point where your dreams can resound deeply with your truth, and at which you are also entirely capable of doing whatever it takes to turn those dreams into reality.

Step 8. Take positive action. Change does not come without action.

Do not let the magnitude of your challenge keep you from moving forward to meet that challenge. Start slowly. Trying to do everything all at once and failing fast is a classic way to wrongly convince yourself it was foolish to try. Take small steps forward. But take them.

Dreams become reality by increments. Beginning is the key. Here is a list of reasonable, doable actions that you might take in initial pursuit of a larger goal.

If you’re making a career change, plan to meet with one person who works in that field.

If you want to lose weight, decide that you’re going to walk up the three flights to your office instead of taking the elevator. If you work on the 30th floor, just take the elevator to 27. Or schedule one appointment with a trainer at the gym.

If you want to revitalize your marriage, tell yourself you won’t leave the house tomorrow morning without paying one sincere compliment to your spouse.

If you’re going to invest in your vision of yourself as an artist, buy a set of paints and a canvas.

If you’re intent on ending your addiction to tobacco, immediately throw away three cigarettes from the package you buy today.

If you want to go back to school, buy the book you need to study for the entrance exam, or call up a nearby college to make an appointment with an admissions counselor.

These may seem like small actions. That’s good. Long-term goals are just a series of successful moments, of showing up and doing the right thing for yourself, again and again.

As you let yourself look at your life history, the past will yield its insights, and these will give way to true revelations. You will be unearthing your buried treasure. Myths that no longer serve you will be exploded, and dreams that can empower you will be revealed.

The future you want for yourself won’t happen overnight, but you will see progress, and people who have the information and experience to assist you in realizing your dreams will respond to your passion and authenticity. Where you used to find walls, you will see open doors. Relationships that were once a source of conflict will be replaced by others that yield encouragement and support.

The truth has its own momentum. As you finally do what your heart and mind know to be the right things for you, forces will align to make your dreams reality. Your job now is to let those forces draw you forward, step by step.