I am done

I feel totally done with all the trying i've been doing, it always feels impossible and hard, and I don't know how to get past it.

Therapy is a slow process that isn't quite right, but I know that will get there eventually. I feel crazy a lot of the time. My memories are so fragmented and I find that really hard to manage. I found myself drinking heavily this weekend, but it became a dutch courage, in order to manage social situations, over the 4th of July, instead of to have fun. That concerns me a little.

I totally freaked out in my massage this morning, which I really needed, but I ended up totally dissociating and felt exceedingly uncomfortable through the whole thing. Its not a new person, but today was especially hard. I felt so powerless and helpless. & it just takes me right back to what happened to me.

When will this get better, I feel like I ask myself daily, and I tell myself to be proud of how far you've come and to look at all the hard work and progress you have made so far, but its just not enough right now. I feel so overwhelmed by the flashbacks and I feel like I'm losing total control. The techniques I've got from therapy just don't seem to cut it this week.

I really feel done and I don't see the light at the end of the tunnel right now and it just fuels my depression and want to just hide away.

Oh Jai Jai, my sweet friend, I am sending you so much love! I know how hard it is, how crippling it can be. It's so hard to stay strong but you are doing so well! If you ever need a friend, I am here for you always! <3

Thank you friend.

Thanks for the support.