Dark shadow

I messed up, I was 16 days clean... and I just lost it. I've been struggling to come to terms with it

I need to feel through this numbness. My PTSD has been on fire. Triggered by a few things. I've been having flashbacks from when I was a kid.

My mother threatening to hit me, begging me to push her over the edge, then I wake out of it, like I'm trapped in a bubble, watching myself react to it. I'm realizing my trauma might be more focused on Cptsd... I don't know how to deal with this anymore.

My breathing and grounding skills aren't helping. The emotional abuse I feel after is so real, I feel very responsible for what happened, for everytime I sent her over the edge. It was my fault, I deserve to be punished for that.

I feel like I'm walking thru my life indifferent to everything, trying to guess how I'm supposed to act, or be, or do. I feel crazy most of the time, with no clear direction. I can see everything in my life starting to suffer beyond my control.

Urgh, I just want to pretend that I'm normal for 1 day. Instead of clouded by this shadowing darkness, it's suffocating.

So sorry you are struggling with all that trauma!

1. Recovery for any addiction includes relapse. Don't beat yourself up about it, but don't use that as an excuse to remain stuck either. It's not about how many days of sobriety you have, but rather your being able to be sober sometimes for just this minute, or just this hour. Keep going forward, even if you take two steps back. Use positive affirmations to acknowledge your strengths and ability to cope at least at this moment in time.

2. When you're dealing with being a victim of narcissistic abuse, gaslighting, or other forms of psychological abuse, it's easy to blame ourselves. But it's not your fault for someone else's issues, decisions, emotions, or reactions. When it's someone close, like a parent or family member or significant other, the trauma is more complex and constitutes betrayal trauma. It takes a lot of strength to process these things, reach out like you did on these boards for help or at least venting, reach out to a therapist for help, reach out to friends in real life for help, and/or continue to set boundaries and try to use coping skills, even if they aren't working at the time. Eventually, they will. It takes time and practice to use coping skills, and to learn new ones so that you get familiar with which ones work for certain situations. Don't beat yourself up or put too much pressure on yourself. Learning to cope is a process that takes time. Setting boundaries and distancing yourself from toxic people also take time.

3. When nothing seems to work, focus on relaxing, resting, self-care, distracting, etc., even if the feelings and thoughts won't go away. Your continued efforts will eventually pay off. It sometimes takes time for coping skills to work.

4. Reactive versus proactive: Don't beat yourself up about your reactions, but rather, be proactive when acknowledging them. Find healthy ways to be proactive such as setting boundaries with your mother, doing self-care, finding alternative means to dealing with your mother if what you're doing isn't helping, ask questions to your therapist about what other coping skills can be utilized when nothing seems to work, etc. Ask yourself what you can do to help yourself or ask for help.

Hang in there. You're not alone in the struggle.

I'm so sorry you struggle with all that trauma. ((( safe hugs )))

Hey @jai-jai- I am an alcoholic with nearly 9 years of sobriety. Are you comfortable sharing what your DOC was and what tools/programs you used to stop?

Quote:

Originally Posted by jai-jai I messed up, I was 16 days clean... and I just lost it. I've been struggling to come to terms with it I need to feel through this numbness. My PTSD has been on fire. Triggered by a few things. I've been having flashbacks from when I was a kid. My mother threatening to hit me, begging me to push her over the edge, then I wake out of it, like I'm trapped in a bubble, watching myself react to it. I'm realizing my trauma might be more focused on Cptsd... I don't know how to deal with this anymore. My breathing and grounding skills aren't helping. The emotional abuse I feel after is so real, I feel very responsible for what happened, for everytime I sent her over the edge. It was my fault, I deserve to be punished for that. I feel like I'm walking thru my life indifferent to everything, trying to guess how I'm supposed to act, or be, or do. I feel crazy most of the time, with no clear direction. I can see everything in my life starting to suffer beyond my control. Urgh, I just want to pretend that I'm normal for 1 day. Instead of clouded by this shadowing darkness, it's suffocating.