[Superpower]

Last night I got intense flashbacks and intense insomnia until 5am and I couldn’t sleep. I keep getting flashbacks of being raped but I feel like it's my fault still because I let it happen. I was a minor I was 16-17 with a whole 31 year old I don’t know what was wrong with me. I get it’s not my fault but it still feels that way. My mom said that when we fall in “love” (which I don’t think for a second that’s love I was manipulated into being attached/dependent” when we get attached I guess we aren’t ourselves. I was with him for 4 months while being 16 and two months at 17. He would force me (with his words) to not wear condoms and I was so scared to get pregnant so he convinced me to get me really drunk and punch me in the stomach really hard which happened like twice. Since I agreed to it a part of me feels like it’s my fault. When I would say no he would just coerce me to do it anyway. Hopefully he goes to jail but whenever I go out I’m super paranoid I’ll find him. This has ruined my sleep and given me nightmares. I feel very alone but Atleast I have my mom. I have some nice dreams where I dream of having friends again.

[darkfeary]

I feel defeated. I am tired of fighting for my life every second and trying to heal for the past 20 years with no progress. I am 50 now and I just feel paralyzed. I am exhausted. My mind and body are relentless terrorists. I wish that I can break through whatever in me is so resistant and closed off to healing. My life is a mess, getting worse, and I lost everything and everyone. I am frozen now and just do not want to do anything anymore but I am forced to go on because of my children, who I hardly get to spend time with anymore since they are older and so busy with their own lives. I was swindled and robbed out of a real life. 😞

[Buffy01]

Originally Posted by Superpower

Last night I got intense flashbacks and intense insomnia until 5am and I couldn’t sleep. I keep getting flashbacks of being raped but I feel like it's my fault still because I let it happen. I was a minor I was 16-17 with a whole 31 year old I don’t know what was wrong with me. I get it’s not my fault but it still feels that way. My mom said that when we fall in “love” (which I don’t think for a second that’s love I was manipulated into being attached/dependent” when we get attached I guess we aren’t ourselves. I was with him for 4 months while being 16 and two months at 17. :He would force me (with his words) to not wear condoms and I was so scared to get pregnant so he convinced me to get me really drunk and punch me in the stomach really hard which happened like twice. Since I agreed to it a part of me feels like it’s my fault. When I would say no he would just coerce me to do it anyway. Hopefully he goes to jail but whenever I go out I’m super paranoid I’ll find him. This has ruined my sleep and given me nightmares. I feel very alone but Atleast I have my mom. I have some nice dreams where I dream of having friends again.

I’m very

[Elle2Linda]

Feeling Disheartened

How come is it, that my narcissistic ex’s reinforcements felt like genuine stability? Granted, I always needed to make myself available for his calls, there was no flexibility over missing his calls, being free to call back whenever. This was the first red flag. However, how come it felt so stable when he would give his word about what time he would be coming to visit or we would make certain plans, and he would always, ALWAYS hold to his word? He would be super punctual. This felt like someone who keeps to their word.

How come is it, although

Possible trigger:

he super blamed me for getting pregnant by coming off the birth control—and still does, he did not ask me to abort our now 2-year-old?

He knew, this godless, morally devoid man, that somehow God wouldn’t want that. Or felt that bad karma would fall back on him somehow. So he became a first-time father at age 51. Although everything about him, his incessant berating of me, rattled my world, he still felt, and still feels “safer” sometimes, than what a normal relationship might look and feel like. Where you’re supposed to take things slow and things feel like they’re not moving quickly enough.

Where your supposed “Christian” male friend of 10+ years

Possible trigger:

asks you to abort

because he hooked up with you and somehow, the Plan B failed. Because at age 37, he’s not “ready” to be a father. So this feels destabilizing, attempting to establish a “normal” romantic relationship in the aftermath of 3+ years of narcissistic trauma.