I was at the cancer hospital with my mother today. While she was in having her radiation, I was in the waiting room trying hard not to "absorb" everyone's pain and sickness as I have a tendency to be an emotional sponge. A guy about 35 was sitting there and you could tell he was very ill. No hair, plastic bucket on his lap in case he got sick etc. He was waiting for his ride to pick him up. The nurse asked if he was going to be okay waiting there and he said "I hope so" and started to cry. It was very sad and heartbreaking and I was trying not to cry because it stirs up all kinds of stuff for me.

I was flipping through the pages of a magazine trying to refocus when the cops came into the waiting room pushing a man in a wheelchair. Even though there was a sheet covering him (and his orange jumpsuit) it was plain to see he was an inmate. That, for reasons I won't go into right now, was triggering enough, but when the sheet slid off and I saw him handcuffed I almost had a meltdown. I'm still a little shaky.

This happened before when I had to take my mom to the emergency room when she fell and broke her arm. They brought someone in handcuffed to the stretcher. Ugh. Gotta stop thinking about it.

[Fuzzybear]

(((((((((((((( orange )))))))))))))))

[Justgiving]

You surely had a rough day.

Hope you can get some rest tonight.

Safe hug to you (((((((Orange_Blossom)))))))

[gimmeice]

((((((((((((((((( Orange_Blossom ))))))))))))))))))))))))

(((((((((((((((((((((Orange)))))))))))))))))))))))

I'm so sorry you had to sit through that with everything you have going on. Hope you have a etter day today ,Love Jinny xoxoxoxoxoxo

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Orange_Blossom said:
I was at the cancer hospital with my mother today. While she was in having her radiation, I was in the waiting room trying hard not to "absorb" everyone's pain and sickness as I have a tendency to be an emotional sponge. A guy about 35 was sitting there and you could tell he was very ill. No hair, plastic bucket on his lap in case he got sick etc. He was waiting for his ride to pick him up. The nurse asked if he was going to be okay waiting there and he said "I hope so" and started to cry. It was very sad and heartbreaking and I was trying not to cry because it stirs up all kinds of stuff for me.

I was flipping through the pages of a magazine trying to refocus when the cops came into the waiting room pushing a man in a wheelchair. Even though there was a sheet covering him (and his orange jumpsuit) it was plain to see he was an inmate. That, for reasons I won't go into right now, was triggering enough, but when the sheet slid off and I saw him handcuffed I almost had a meltdown. I'm still a little shaky.

This happened before when I had to take my mom to the emergency room when she fell and broke her arm. They brought someone in handcuffed to the stretcher. Ugh. Gotta stop thinking about it.

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((((((((((((((orange)))))))))))))))))))))))))))))
as always I care
(((( you matter to me))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))

[nowheretorun]

(((((Orange Blossom)))))))))

[freespirit1980]

Orange Blossom:

I understand completely what you went through. It is for this reason, I have to avoid triggers altogether. I won't go anywhere or subject myself to anyone that might cause me to become re-traumatized.

Perhaps you can drop you mother off at the hospital in the future, wait at a nearby coffee shop, and have her call you on your cellphone when she is ready to go home.

Just a suggestion.

[Fuzzybear]

(((((((((((((( orange )))))))))))))))

Thanks everyone, I'm better today. I'm also grateful that I don't swirl around in "that PTSD place" too long anymore. It still comes along and wallops me good every now and then, but I get back up and move forward.

[skeksi]

I'm glad you're feeling better, Orange Blossom.

I also wanted to let you know how much impact your last post had on me. To read that someone else has gotten to a point where the PTSD stuff isn't walloping them on a daily basis is very, very encouraging. I lose my sense of hope now and again, and a post like yours brings it back to me.

Thanks skeksi!

I remember the days of being immersed in the PTSD swirl, 24/7. Don't get me wrong, I still have lots of those days, but I don't stay there.

It's a long, hard trip through the eye of the storm but the intensity you're feeling right now will lighten. Hold on tight!

I can't predict when you'll get your sunny forecast but I do know the clouds will start to lift.

[Kiya]

((((((((((Orangeblossom)))))))))))))))
wanting to give you hugs - you've helped me a lot.

Thank you Kiya!

Hugs to you and yours!

Yesterday kinda sucked.

They couldn't give my mother the shot she needs before her radiation because her blood pressure was so low. She was also very dehydrated (she swears to me she is drinking enough) so they had to hook her up to an IV for two hours.

Needles trigger me. Not so much if I'm getting stuck, but seeing them in other people's arms is hard to handle due to my past. Looking at her and all she went through with my brothers, their addictions, criminal activities in and out of jail, and ultimately their deaths, well, when I saw the drip I couldn't help thinking the "junkies" finally got her too. Needles equal death in my PTSD head. If not by overdose than by AIDS and now...lung cancer.

That's how I felt when the hem/onc told me "you have overlapping hematological malignancies known as MPD's, Myeloproliferative Disorders and that I would require blood draws once a week. To have a disease that would be "needle" related was kind of ironic.

I felt that the junkies had finally found a way to stick a needle in my arm too and now it was my turn to die. I know this all sounds ridiculous, but it's a natural reaction when you're raised by drug addicts who actively shoot up at the dining room table and die.

((((((((((((((((((((Orange)))))))))))))))))))))))))

just want you to know i care and i'm here ..... you are going through so much just lately, you are loved and listened to here ... you are one special person, wish i could make you feel better, huggies, Kerry xoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxo

huggies for mom too .....

(((( jinnyann ))))

Thanks so much. It has been one hell of a week. This is how the week ended yesterday.

A staff member (not sure of her title) comes into the waiting room and a woman asks her when will she be seeing the Dr. This worker says. "Well, they are having some struggle with the patient that's in front of you. When I opened the door, I had six sets of eyes glare at me, 'Dr. so-and-so is busy' and when I looked at the Dr. he was clearly flustered. There was a lot of activity."

Well, I knew it was my mother she was talking about because I'd been there all week and knew the schedule. My heart sunk at first, then my PTSD kicked in, causing my heart to pound on my throat and demand to be let out.

I said, as calm and in control as I could, "Could you tell me more about what type of struggle they're having because 'that patient' happens to be my mother."

In the long run it turned out to be a computer glitch and the Dr couldn't pull up a report. But I was mad! I thought that was totally unprofessional of her.

PS I realized I put the wrong link in my post above so if anyone wants to know what a Myeloproliferative Disorder is you can see it HERE

((((orange)))))))))))))))))))))

[(JD)]

a flower by any other name is loved the same.

[CedarS]

(((((((((((((Orange_Blossom)))))))))))))))))

I sure can relate to what you are going through, I hope somehow some way it all lightens up for you.

[Justgiving]

((((((((((Orange_Blossom)))))))))

Hope you are resting this weekend.

Thank you all so much for your support during this hectic, scary, sad time.

I appreciate you all and hope I can be here for you as well.

((((((((orange)))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))

(((((((((((((((Orange))))))))))))))))))))

hope you are feeling better soon me little blossom, hugs and care to you ..... always here for such a wonderful friend Kerry xoxoxoxoxoxoxoxo mwhaaaaaaaaa