[phoenix7]

I dont seem to be able to cope with the small things at the moment - get angry at the drop of a hat over nothing - then get angry at myself for getting angry - yes I know very productive! I guess my batteries are low and I need time to recharge - yep its all about me me me!

I just dont want to talk to anyone - I want to be left alone to calm down - for about a year LOL or two or three.....

except I didnt know I needed to be calmed down till just a few moments ago - I'm alright if people leave me alone - but give me the slightest push and I get agitated and push me some more and im angry - I never used to be this way - people used to say how calm I was and how I take everything in my stride - I want her back! now!

What do you do if/when you get like this?

[deliquesce]

((((P7))))

my only way of dealing is what you suggested - taking time out to recharge batteries. i am lucky because at work we get two 15min breaks, as well as our lunch hour, so i can get through ok without snapping at anyone too much.

can you take an extra day off and have a long weekend?

[pachyderm]

[Mouse_]

P7, I hear ya.

[skeksi]

Phoenix, you're describing exactly what's been going on with me this weekend! I'm glad I'm not alone in struggling with this. I don't even realize I'm being irritated with other people until it's too late. And then I torment myself with doubt (was I rude? inappropriate?) or self-criticism (I'm so *****y; I'm out of control).

I'm trying to give myself a break on this stuff. A big PTSD symptom is anger and irritability. Part of it, I'm told, is being less able to deal with minor, everyday stressors.

It's scary territory for me because it feels like I'm not taking responsibility for myself, but what if we chalk this up to the disorder we are learning to cope with?

[multipixie9]

my daughter, the last chick at home got married in 2006. i came home and began to be quiet cos no one was there and i started quitting my recovery groups and church activity and sat down at home and began to unwind and wait and wait and wait and i wasn't quite sure what i was waiting for until i got quiet enough to see that my "productive" activities were a mask for what i really needed which was to lose my self-imposed iron controls and find out who i am behind them.

i am a survivor of violent, sustained abuse through much of childhood who had a spiritual awakening at age 18 on the verge of suicide. from this i went polar opposite to my childhood. miss polly pure (genuinely sincere christian) is born from the ashes of leslie the trashed out victim of satanic ritual abuse.

in my 30's delayed onset ptsd arrived and my "nice" little life began to crack and crumble and it went on and on downhill until my 40's when the mpd/did dx arrived and i began to struggle with that, deny that and finally deal with it.

and then last night i became so angry i scared the hell out of myself and wasn't even sure how to survive it without harm and so i wailed for 4 hours and wrote scathingly angry posts on here laced with all my most hated curse words and finally someone wrote a post that helped me see that a dental appointment had triggered some bad programming still in place. and i have called my T and i am trying to deal with my very painful life this morning - as all of this happened within mere feet of my spouse, who was able to ignore me while awake and sleep soundly through my agony, unimpaired so he could get up early and work until time for church and go to church. without me for now.

sorry if this is total tmi but i am saying all this to say that YOU NEED SOME QUIET TIME. FOR YOU. TO SEE. WHAT IS REALLY GOING ON INSIDE OF YOUR HEART AND MIND.

YOU WERE THERE FOR MY LITTLES LAST NIGHT AND AS THE ADULT I CARE ABOUT YOU TODAY.

YOU ARE BRAVE AND KIND PHOENIX7, I HOPE YOU FIND WHAT YOU NEED FOR YOUR NEXT MOVE THROUGH HEALING. I WISH YOU PEACE. HUGS IF YOU WANT THEM,

LESLIE AND THE PIXIES (we lik u feenix, u so cool)

[MINIME]

[phoenix7]

Thankyou everyone -

Deli, I have a few days off after today - so only have to stay not feral for today

multi[ixie, looking inside is scary isnt it - I have and emdr session coming up where i said i would look into the heart of the storm that somtimes takes me - and Im afraid but I know i have to do it - so I will - I hope you are having a better day today

Skeksi, yeah I guess I know its part of my PTSD cycle (rather have a bicycle!) but like you siad it feels like im dodging ownership of my crabbyness - and I guess the fact that I can bite back in an instant scares me - its not the me I was or want to be..... but hey thats how the cookie crumbles .... mmmm cookies!

oooh Pachy that pic was sooooo cute! if only we could just recharge like that - my cat cisco does that too!

Mouse and Minime thankyou for being there and thankyou everyone for your support and knowledge you do make a difference you know - thankyou

[Hunny]

[Sannah]

Phoenix, are you finally allowing yourself to be angry now?

[Hunny]

Hi Phoenix7:

Thinking about you...Hope to you

[Fuzzybear]

[phoenix7]

Originally Posted by Sannah

Phoenix, are you finally allowing yourself to be angry now?

I guess not - Im still stuffing it down when it comes........ an getting angry at myself for being angry... not angry at the moment - sad - dont know why and scared - (so sick of the word scared!) about monday and emdr ..... trying to keep the adult in charge but the child in me is terrified - cant shut it down - thats the way the cookie crumbles ay....

[Hunny]

Phoenix7

So sorry to hear you are feeling 'sad' Although it seems like you might have moved something if you are. My anger often covers up my sad.

At t tonight I had some real breakthroughs! I had been having so much pressure on/around my left eye from events of the past week and now it's gone! What a relief! Also, the pain in the top of my shoulder has subsided immensely. I, too, was experiencing extreme fear, just really general but very very scarry. T and I went back to that real scarry place and brought that 'little munchkin' back into the light again, with the help of OEI. Thank goodness! I'm going to try to let you know about a device that I am using for a while but on another post. I'm so tired!

No more cookies crumbling at your expense, I pray. There's so much more for you.

Ice

[multipixie9]

phoenix sweetie,

so many have to remind me, "don't be so hard on yourself". i think you are being too hard on yourself. yes it is good to take responsibility for your actions -- that is what "i'm sorry" is for.

you have reasons for your anger and your feelings of super-stress. that is part of the problem, none of us wants to have these problems. we want to be givers, doers, shakers, movers. however, we can't do them right now the way we want. we need time to heal and as you said "recharge" and it takes time and focus on yourself. not an easy task.

did you ever see a video movie with a sticker that said, Please be kind and Rewind? you need a little sticker on you that says, please be kind and UNwind. i know i need one like that.

hugs from me and the lil pixies. we all need some FUN!!

[Sannah]

Phoenix, you have every right to be afraid. I understand why you are afraid of the EMDR. The thing about fear though is you have to face it, which of course you are doing. Once you face it, you realize that it wasn't as bad as you thought it would be and that you were able to face it and tolerate the outcome. I'm sorry that you have to be scared. We are all with you here though I think that you will do fine (even though you will feel scared).......... And here is a hug for that little girl inside and and and ,,,,,,,,,

[lifelesstraveled]

P7

I hope you are feeling better today

-LLT