My Wife

As I have posted in the cogeneral section, and have gotten some very supportive help, I will give a short description here and ask some questions.

My wife came home last Monday, after her second session being diagnosed with PTSD, and told me she didn't love me, didn't need me there was nothing I could do and she was just numb. Turns out there were things I was doing wrong, and we are working on the marriage, as of the moment. She just got out of a counseling session, and I am on pins and needles hoping nothing has changed yet again, as this information to me about her not loving me anymore came out of left field, and tore my heart out. If you want to see that thread, it's in the general discusion under Sad, Scared, Lost... I can't post a link yet.

I guess my questions are, I assume the symptoms vary from person to person, and I have read up on PTSD, but people here deal with it. She says she loved me, even as of Sunday? Then bam? Then now, don't worry, everything will eventually be ok. I am giving her space and time and just letting her know I am here and I love her, not pushing ... well trying my best. So what is it like, the depression, the numbness, do you just not feel all of a sudden, and then do? I am a bit lost and any help would be greatly appreciated! Thank you!

[quote=ihateit;933835]As I have posted in the cogeneral section, and have gotten some very supportive help, I will give a short description here and ask some questions.

My wife came home last Monday, after her second session being diagnosed with PTSD, and told me she didn't love me, didn't need me there was nothing I could do and she was just numb. Turns out there were things I was doing wrong, and we are working on the marriage, as of the moment. She just got out of a counseling session, and I am on pins and needles hoping nothing has changed yet again, as this information to me about her not loving me anymore came out of left field, and tore my heart out. If you want to see that thread, it's in the general discusion under Sad, Scared, Lost... I can't post a link yet.

I guess my questions are, I assume the symptoms vary from person to person, and I have read up on PTSD, but people here deal with it. She says she loved me, even as of Sunday? Then bam? Then now, don't worry, everything will eventually be ok. I am giving her space and time and just letting her know I am here and I love her, not pushing ... well trying my best. So what is it like, the depression, the numbness, do you just not feel all of a sudden, and then do? I am a bit lost and any help would be greatly appreciated! Thank you![/quote


How long has she been diagnosed with this condition? Is she on medication? You are doing the right thing by giving her space and time, but you also need help for yourself. Maybe some counseling for yourself, and some meds for you too, to help with the anxiety. She probably does not know whether she loves you or not. How long have you been married? Is she able to function in her daily activities? That would be a goos sign. She is in a stae of confusion herself. PTSD, and the concomitant feelings, whatever thay may be, can come and go. You need to have patience patience patience.

the numbness can sort of creep up on you and then one day you see somthing and you realise that you dont feel anything anymore - you're working on autopilot - doing all the things you should but you're not connected anymore - nothing means anything -

then I went to a T and he switched back on all the emotions - Im glad i lived alone then - I would have driven anyone up the wall! but it would have been good to have someone to share it with if I had been able to talk about it -

Flashbacks, nightmares, jumping at any noise, hypervigilence - which means you are 100% alert all the time! then depression and anxiety - for me the depression crept up on me and I felt like i didnt want to do anything - see anyone - just crawl under the covers and not come out - its like youre in the dark and you cant see the light anymore -and then you stop looking for it - you dont care - again a T helped me.

I am glad your wife is seeing a T and it might be an idea if you could see her T to help you understand because each of us is different - I hope things improve for your wife and you soon P7

My first trip to the T triggered me big time. I went on thurs and by Sat. morning I was a hair trigger spiraling quickly out of control. My thoughts started racing,I fell back down the rabbit hole and could see no light. I was ready to fight and cry. My numb starts out as being so overloaded that you just start shutting down to get away from all the pain, only there is no off switch and you keep shutting down until your at the bottom of the pit and don't even care. Every nerve is on high alert so hard that It exhausts you and hurts.
Giver her time, giver her room, she can't stop it,and you can't make it stop. If you love her, just don't take it personal and give it time. I've lashed and not even remembered worst thing for me is to have to try to explain myself when I don't even realize what I've done or I couldn't stop if I tried. I don't get violent I just get so dark and moody and run my mouth.

[quote=isb63;933938]I posted the location of the thread so you could see, I'll cut and paste the gist of it here.

I have been married to my wife for 11 years. I love her deeply, my world revolves around her and our children. Up until Monday, this week, I thought everything was ok (ignorance is bliss?). I knew we were having a few problems, and just thought we needed to talk. During the talk she spit out I am not in love with you, I don't need you, this is over and there's nothing you can do about it.

I came to find out, I had made a few huge mistakes, I was too controlling, but didn't know I was doing it. I have anger issuses, which I am now taking under control and seeing a therapist for (started before she mentioned this, that she hated my anger outbursts).

So, I am seeing a T, but I haven't had nor felt the need to even get close to angry, and like I said I am giving her time and space to work it out. As of last night, I am feeling more confident in our relationship, as she said again everything is ok and will be ok. I think in 2004 her T said she had it, but she didn't tell me than, or they had started working on it, but she felt better and quit seeing her T, and I didn't do anything to help her that's for sure.

Her symptoms seem to be, for a lack of words, weaker than most with PTSD, at least right now, and maybe it's because of all this and her seeing a T. She's happier now, we laugh, cried we laughed so much last night. We talk, she shares, she used to not talk that much at all to me, hence my blissful ignorance of what I was doing was killing us. I assumed for each it would be diff, the symptoms and how many, how strong. She thought she had BPD, but doesn't it's she has schizoid tendancies, so I am very luck she ever talked to me, yet alone date and marry me. After 11 years I am NOT willing to just give up, actually never give up, so was looking to see what I need to do that maybe she hasn't mentioned to help her through this.

@ Phoenix7 Thanks That did help...comes and goes, I know it's going to be a lifelong thing, and I told her I am prepared to deal with that, I love her no matter what.

Just, again is there anything I need to do that maybe she hasn't mentioned to help her through this, or that I am not doing already?

Thanks, you guys here are great!

sounds like you're doing the right thing - remember it changes - somtimes at a minutes notice

come here and vent or ask questions whenever you need to or if you need support - the people here at pc are very helpful - Im glad things seem to be a bit better for you both - and laughing definately helps take care P7

Thanks again P7!

I vent a lot to the few friends I have (old ones I keep in touch with on line) and the one I have here (we moved to the UK due to her job, armed forces, almost a year ago, neither of us make friends that easy, me because I am home 99% of the time).

But here you all know what's up and have been very helpful. What I have found out is there are clusters of PTSD and they vary for each individual with it, my wife is this:

Avoidance Symptoms

• Making an effort to avoid thoughts, feelings, or conversations about the traumatic event.
• Making an effort to avoid places or people that remind you of the traumatic event.
• Having a difficult time remembering important parts of the traumatic event.
• A loss of interest in important, once positive, activities.
• Feeling distant from others.
• Experiencing difficulties having positive feelings, such as happiness or love.
• Feeling as though your life may be cut short.

Kinda...see this is where I am confused. The numbness, is that a common thread, as it's not mentioned here. She avoids confrontation to the point that she was willing to risk her marriage...I don't understand that, I don't have too, I know that it's part of her problems, and again, we are working on our marriage.

I also didn't put in here what meds she's on, and a little history. We have been through this exact situation 2 other times, she never said she didn't love me or want/need me. It was there, hanging in the air, but she didn't actually say it. When I met her she was on Elavil, due to her migraines, but Elavil is also an anti-depressant, right? She felt better and took herself off it, and things went wrong, but I didn't wanna see it, didn't want to know it. She finally went back and got more, but again, after some T and feeling better, she took herself off it again, and again, this happens. I asked her again this time if she was taking her Elavil and she said no coz her headaches were gone, and I explained that I saw a correlatoin between our bad times and her being off it. She was put on Welbutrin, which I think worked for a while, but I don't see it doing her any good now, and I know it takes a while to get back on track when retaking/starting a drug, so I hope my pseudo pscyholgy helps. I didn't push her, I just said I think you should go back on it for your headaches and maybe it'll help with what's going on, put it in question form, and she went and got them and has been taking them.

I don't like her T tho, he seems to be treating the sympotoms and not making her go through the steps of why, and how do we fix your problems that have stemmed from the root problem. I talked to her about that last night as well and she agreed, he's not doing what we would expect and if he doesn't start getting to the root next week, she will seek out a new T.

Thanks again guys, it's really nice to have support and be able to say all this, makes me feel better. I will have trust issues with her coming home and saying it all over again, she will have trust issues with me and maybe I might snap and yell, or try to control her again...but I vowed, I am a man of my word, she is worth it and so is our marriage. Once she lets you in wow, she's the most wonderful person I have ever known, beautiful inside and out...and inside is a little more important to me, a lot actually hehe. I am rambling...thanks again guys!

yep the numbness happens a lot its a way of protecting yourself from the emotional pain - I found out that emotional pain is felt in the same part of the brain that registers physical pain which explained a lot ot me.

Coming off the meds - I can relate to that - you feel better so you think I can do tis without meds and then you crash and need the meds to get back on tract - I dont want to rely on the meds - I want to be able to rely on me - but I know I cant - so meds it is

My T - and they all have different ideas and ways - my T dealt with things as they came up - it is working - although the down times seem to be downer (is that a word?)- if your wife doesnt think she is making progress - then its good if she speaks to her T about it and they may be able to change things or explain whats happening - its hard starting with another T - but somtimes thats what you have to do if it cant be fixed - worth a try though -

You.ve got a lot of info on ptsd and you can get more from reading the posts here and asking if you need help - good luck on your journey - things do get better..... P7

Im glad you

((((((((((ihateit))))))))))))))) So do we, but hae to live with it. Sounds like you are on the right track, and wifey is willing now to talk, and maybe get new direction from T. Sounds like u r both committed to dealing with this, and isn't that what it is all about? We just need more love and understanding than the average bear! This is a good resource for u to come and vent and ask ?? and hopefully get answers.

Well, I am confused, she actually hasn't been labled with PTSD, but has some of the symptoms, and has schizoid tendancies (I think I mentioned the schizoid tendancies). We had a talk last night, and we are basically ok, no one's going anywhere, we will still going see our T's separately, and the marriage counselor for good measure. This was one hell of a wake up call for me though, it's still gonna take time for her to want/need things from me, but she's worth it! Thanks you guys! you all have been huge helps, even though now I am not sure if she fits anywhere, she def has symptoms of a few things, and I think togehter she just may be a new disorder, J/K...but, I'll prolly be back for some of my issues, joy. Thanks again all!

Hello there. I wanted to write and tell you that I did the same thing to my husband. I was diagnosed with Personality Disorder, Severe Depression while I was in the Navy and then got re-evaluated and was diagnosed with PTSD. I am sorry that your wife did that but really all you can do is be there for her. My husband refuses to get any professional help and that stills drives me nuts. So anyways, just wanted to tell you that I know where you are coming from and I am here if you need to talk. I hope that things are going good for the both of you!!

Well, I screwed up this morning...

I'm a seeker of love, meaning that I like to be held, cuddled, kissed, etc., and this morning when I got rudely awakned by our dog waking our baby, after putting him back down, I went downstairs and she walked right bye me. I didn't go off, but I pouted, she did finally ask what was wrong and I told her, and I was upset, not angry, but upset, when I told her, so you know my tone wasn't the best . I am a very insecure person and this kinda thing scares me, I wonder what she's thinking, like "what an idiot", "he did it again!"...*sigh*

Afterward I felt horrible. I know she's not a "morning person", and I really wasn't awake. I was upset that she didn't come straight to me and hug me and kiss me good morning, but she's not that way in the first place (love seeker, as I am), and in the second place, again, she's not a morning person.

I gave it a few minutes than ran upstairs before she jumped in the shower and profusely apologized, and she said it's alright, but really it wasn't (not in my mind). She was sincere and understanding, thank God, but I worry that I'll keep doing this. It's really hard to give her space when I just want to be with her and hold her all the time. *SIGH*...I don't wanna mess this up, but I get so frustrated. I don't know how to stop these feelings, I don't want them to stop, I love her deeply. Grrr, dunno what to do.

I know its difficult but if you can give her space - let her know oyu are there for her but dont crowd her - that sounds impossible doesnt it - dont know what to say - hope things get easier for you both P7

Hi IHI, I think what you did was very good with this! You talked to her and she understood and you apoligized. Keep up the good work. Stopping feelings, well, how about working through them?

Hi Ihateit.

I'm sorry your going through all of this. To me it sound like you need reassurace both mentally and physically right now and based on the past you haven't been getting it . And its anyones guess as to if or when you will.

Just one thing that comes to mind as a PSTD'er myself is

I tend to "store and ingnore" and "forgive and forget" too quickly. And I learned to " not tell" and to "stuff it" by using food.

I learned HOW to do that to survive in my childhood right on up until today.

I had a friend named Diary back In 1965. In the few brief letters to her I am learning much about just how alone I was in the war zone . How i used to talk to myself and answer . and how I learned to say

Ps..... Forgive me , Im sorry .....

Patricia

Sounds like you dependent personality has sort of a hold on you right now IHI, and you need to work on that . You did okay with apologizing, and letting her know what was going on with you. She just can't respon in the way YOU want, but only in her own wa, which doesn't help you much when you want snuggles and touching and smooches. Be thankful--and tel her often--that she is YOURS and that you love having her around, een when she is "distant". That means a lot to us, believe it or not. Much love, and God bless, isb

Thank you all for your answers! I now understand A LOT more!

Just a quick explanation about the dependancy thing ... as a child I wasn't cuddled, kissed, told I was loved or they were proud of me. Hence yes I have very low self esteem. I vowed as I got older that I would NEVER be that way to my loved ones, so it may be it's my dependant personality, but it could also be my vow to LOVE the ones I love, as well, both, together, ya know?

I know her ways are different, and sometimes it's hard. I just thank God that she has give us another chance, my mistakes were, to say the least, fixable and I didn't listen to her, almost 'til it was too late. Thank you isb for bringing that up. I have been trying very hard to let her come to me, in her time, but there are times I just NEED a hug or a kiss...I try to keep it to a minimum, to not push her away.

Her T is now going to put her through CBT...I really hope this will accomplish what she wants, to put it all behind her, and be able to "feel" things again. I don't know what she goes through, what she went through, empathy can only go so far when something like what happened to her hasn't happened to you. I know there will be times during this CBT where she won't even be able to look at me, I will have to be the silent, invisible person, whatever she needs, I am here to support her through this. I just pray she gets better.

On a side note, if anyone out there has PTSD and has been through CBT, could you please PM me...I know what the CBT entails, through reading and her telling me what her T said, but I have some things I would like to discuss with someone who has first hand knowldege of it. Thanks!

((((Ihateit))))),
I commend both you and your wife for doing everything you can to help yourselves! I hear and see that you care a lot for your family Sometimes my H and I have difficulties stemming from issues from our childhood, and asked him the other day if he would see a T and he said yes. It's a very difficult situation, I know. For me, we both have such diffuse boundaries, that neither one of us knows who's wrong/right or if it's a little of both. I hope your Wife likes CBT. My T is eclectic and does use CBT, but for my PTSD symptoms, I've had to have therapy that digs deeper. But, that's just me. I wish both of you well!

It's been ... hard, to say the least. And yes, my wife, and children, are the most important things on this earth to me...and I hope and pray that with this CBT, she will get better...although I don't trust her T, because of what she has said about him and other things, I really hope he knows what he's doing with the CBT. She understands that it may or may not work and she might have to do more after.

She stares off into space a lot now. She is cold to me and our children a lot, not mean, just not there, very dissacociated, but it comes and goes. That last two days have been really bad as she's started the CBT, had to tell her T what happened, in detail, and started her "homework".

I understand, and she knows I support her 100%, but the kids don't get it, and my son (only 2) is really getting upset. My daughter, we decided, I will try to explain to her what's wrong with mommy, in a way she can understand, and that it's not her, it's something mommy has to work through and yes, mommy loves her very much.

We had another talk last night. I am more secure in "us" now than I have been in over 12 months. It's a good feeling. Yet, at the same time, it still hurts that she doesn't want to cuddle, kiss, hold hands, etc. I accept it now though as it's not me, it's what she has to go through, and hopefully come out the other side and be who she wants to be. This isn't about me...something that has taken a long time for me to get, I was in such a me mode it was ridiculous...it's about her getting better and me understanding why she does what she does, and now that I do, it's easier to accept some things, whether it hurts or not.

its hard for children to understand - sometimes the simplest explanation is the best - mummy is not well and we are helping her get better - I hope things get better for you all soon