[sky dancer]

I got very attuned as a child to sensing hostility in others, I had no choice. I had to be one step ahead of my abuser. I could feel it coming, see my aunt come home from church and slam things around the house. Always bewildered I never knew when she would lash out, but I thought by hyervigilance I'd be safer.

The anxiety was worse than the physical battering and the verbal humiliation and abuse. So I developed a strategy to 'pop' my aunt into hitting me so that there would be some ease and resolution.

I prefer a smackdown over undercurrents of hostility. That's why I'm always trying to make someone come out with the truth. I can handle it when someone says "I just don't like you".

I can take that. Really.

But I'm also looking at a pattern of bonding to people who don't have my best interests at heart. That is very hard to look at.

I take anti-anxiety medication, and I take an anti-depressant, and I am in psychotherapy and doing EMDR but anxiety is something I go to sleep with, dream of and wake up with every day.

What are your thoughts?

[phoenix7]

Originally Posted by sky dancer

but I thought by hyervigilance I'd be safer.

I have been stuck being hypervigilant since I was attacked - but what I never realised was that I was already partially this way because of my childhood - thats what makes me good wiht the confused patients because I am always aware of any movement or change in mood before other people - so maybe this is a good skilll to have

The anxiety was worse than the physical battering and the verbal humiliation and abuse. So I developed a strategy to 'pop' my aunt into hitting me so that there would be some ease and resolution.

I am so sorry this happened to you - I can understand how setting her off was the "safer" option than enduring the waiting for the enevitable - it makes me mad when the people who are supposed to love and protect us - harm us instead - I would change it if I could....

But I'm also looking at a pattern of bonding to people who don't have my best interests at heart. That is very hard to look at.

are you discussing this with your T?

I take anti-anxiety medication, and I take an anti-depressant, and I am in psychotherapy and doing EMDR but anxiety is something I go to sleep with, dream of and wake up with every day.

I take an anti-depressant and valerian for anxiety - but like you the anxiety is always ther like a fast flowing river in the background waitng for me to slip in and be carried away....

What are your thoughts?

Guess Ive told you my thoughts... I know things can and do get better - I had one beautiful day reecntly and I am holding onto that for as long as I can but I feel the anxiety pushing ... and other things... but we do the best we can when we can.

Try some diaphramatic breathing before you go to bed - I also say to myself I am not going to think about stuff now - this is time for slpee -I will think about things in the mornng - took a while but I am sleeping a bit better I keep a notepad by my bed so I can write things down that are troubling me and then I say ok now I have it written down I can go to seleep and sort it out in the mornig - feel better soon