Soul less

3 years ago I have birth to my son, what you would think would be a great day, was the start of my mind, body, and soul deteriorating. I never believed in depression when I was younger, I always thought people just faked it or was just weak, boy was I wrong. I feel like I could crawl in a hole and just wither away. I've been on numerous meds can't even count on two hands, nothing has ever made me feel free from these evil thoughts and crazy fatigue. I just can't seem to snap out of it, sometimes I will have a great day and the next day, reality sets in, back to my cave, when I have the really bad days and I can't stop crying, people ask me what's wrong, why are you crying? My response, I literally have no clue, but I know my entire soul, mind and body are consumed with debilitating hurt and pain. What's crazy, is I used to be so out going, light of the party, first one on the dance floor with out being drunk, now I'm so pathetic I can't even go to the grocery store, much less just to go to the park with my kids, it's unbearable to think my kids are suffering because I can't get over this evil intruder in my thoughts, constantly tell me how worthless I've become, pathetic, horrible mother, I can't snap out of it! I try to hang on, but in reality, I'm losing grip, to top it all off, I have a controlling, mentally abusive, physically abused in the past, boy friend/ baby daddy of 7 years, I have no job, no friends, no money, where did I go wrong?! I think back how I could've changed to make things better but it don't make a difference, I'm lost and will never be found

i certainly understand depression and how hard it is to get out of. i am sorry to hear you are struggling so much. your situation certainly isnt helping much. ive adopted a simple philosophy. when you do good, you feel good. im not saying it is easy when you are depressed because i know everything looks like crap or at least that is what your mind is telling you. even having the best of everything can not be good enough. but at least you can have the positive self talk to counteract the negative and that is a little bit of something and takes some of the stress off. (therapy really helped me to and finding the right med) but finding the right resources to manage your situation will be a step in the right direction. you say you are from citrus county. i googled that and it came up with florida. contact this agency if it is florida. Home. if not, google a family resource center for your local area. if you look at this site you will see what these agencies do. they have people who help you with resources to get you the help you need to get on your feet. taking a step to take care of you and your kids may be the first step to getting better.

welcome to psych central. you will find we have several forums where you can post about your concerns and receive feedback from other members. you will get a lot of support here. again, welcome

HI there. Welcome to Psych Central. Sorry you are facing mulitiple challenges. What you describe are the symptoms of depression. Nothing seems possible - but you are a member here now, so at least hang out here and read other people's posts.

There are public resources to help those with mental illness. If you are coming up empty google NAMI (Natiional Alliance Mental Illness) and your town or county and see what you find. They have free support meetings and a crisis line. Their website is NAMI: National Alliance on Mental Illness | NAMI: The National Alliance on Mental Illness

Many people here at PC find they can share these feelings and what they are going through with the confidence that people go through similar things and can empathize. So many forums are offered as well as Chatrooms (after you have 5 posts or comments on others posts). Depression Support Chat Thursday 9PM EST and Anxiety Support Chat Friday at 8PM EST. You do not have to text chat here, you can just sit and be with people and listen to others stories. Better to be with people.

You can also be an active member in other ways like supporting others in their questions, reading articles and posts http://forums.psychcentral.com that are applicable to your area of concern.

Please feel free to private message me or any of the Community Liaisons by left clicking on the name in blue to the left of their post) for questions or just to share.